Once, I got in a fight with an ex. Because I didn't trust him. I lost my temper and, in my fit of anger, threw a picture frame on the ground. Of course, it broke and glass went everywhere. We went into the next room, talked, and I eventually calmed down. A few minutes later I went back into the room and started to pick up the pictures and pieces of glass. But I just started crying all over again. I told him, "I feel like this is us. It's broken. This will never be a picture frame again. We will never be "us" ever again" Sure, there were still pictures and there was still glass. But it was changed forever.
Sometimes relationships are like that. For whatever reason, they change, and they're never quite the same again. This can be good, or bad. The good usually comes as a result of one or both people growing up. And when it's bad.. it's really bad.
And sometimes people can just change on their own. I'm not sure when it happened, or why.. maybe it is just growing up, but I've changed. Today I completely broke down. And I let everything out. I was mad, sad, confused.. and it was no secret. A year ago, I would have never done that. I had feelings, sure. But they were bottled up so deep inside that by the time they finally came out, usually in a huge explosion, even I didn't know how to make sense of them. I used to think of that as a sign of weakness. Now I realize I was wrong. It's not weak to struggle, to get hurt, or to fail. It's weak to never try. It's weak to give up, to walk away when you've still got fight in you.
Sometimes things break and they can't be fixed. But I'm starting to realize that I'm not broken. Not even on my hardest days.. I might be a little cracked but I'm not broken yet. I can still be fixed, I can still keep going.
I started this blog for myself. Then it became kinda humorous and entertaining for my friends. But it really is about me and my life. How I'm constantly growing, learning, trying, and failing. Whether it's happy, sad, depressing, or just plain boring.. it's real. This is me, who I am. I am silly, moody, crazy, funny, weird. I'm struggling, but I'm still trying. I'm taking life as it comes at me, one day at a time.
It's messy, scary.. and absolutely beautiful.
Morning comes and life moves on
Listening to: Goo Goo Dolls - Not Broken