Weekend

I don't even know where to start.. the past week was a little rough. I have to say it did go by pretty quickly but it was still just stressful enough to make me wanna pull my hair out at the end of every day. Next weekend will be a 3 day weekend for me, which means the week is probably gonna drag by at a glacial pace. Oh well.

This weekend was a disaster to say the least. Saturday night I had agreed to go to a bachelorette party with a friend, as moral support. Her new husband's ex was going to be there and I guess she felt like she might need backup in case, for lack of better words, shit went down. Of course, me being me, I agreed to be the good friend and go along. It might not have been so bad had I not gotten sufficiently drunk by 8 pm and said ex wasn't ugly and pregnant. Biting my tongue is not something I'm good at, nor do I enjoy practicing, but I took one for the team and didn't hit the boring, whiny, pregnant girl.

Anyone who has ever partied with me knows I pretty much never get sick. I mean, I might FEEL like I'm going to get sick, but I hardly ever do. Saturday night.. I got sick. And you would think that would be my cue to stop drinking liquor and start drinking water, right? Nope. Apparently, drunk me thought that meant my stomach made more room for drinks. Winning? I don't think so. So, things went downhill quickly and just kept going.. and going.. and going.

Needless to say, I was useless all day today. I got home around 9 am (WAY too early), then passed back out until about 5. I'm still exhausted and not, in any way, ready for work tomorrow. I am starting to get in a nice little routine though, which makes me feel less stressed about Monday. I'm sure it's gonna be as hectic and tiring as Mondays usually are.. but I need a vacation from my weekend. Seriously.

Need you to know..

This one is personal. I don't know if he'll see it, doesn't really matter, I just need to say it.


From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I wish I could understand why things are, and always have been, this way between us. You know that I wish things were different more than anything but I've come to accept that it just "is what it is" with us. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it suck? A whole lot. I used to consider you one of my best friends. You were someone I could laugh, cry, be my completely insane self around. Why that could never translate into something more, I honestly don't know. I do know that it breaks my heart though.. to have hurt you, to have lost you, to think that things will never be the same with us again. If I know anything, it's that everything happens for a reason. What reason? That I don't understand.. but one day I will. Until then, it's probably gonna hurt and it's probably gonna suck. But I'm still gonna love you. I'm still gonna be here, be your friend. I will pray every single day for you. I will pray that you're loved, successful, happy beyond imagination. Because you deserve nothing less. I truly don't think anyone could ever understand me like you do, care about you like I do, or realize what we had. I miss you, I love you.

Disconnect

I've made a decision. A few, actually.

First, I deleted my facebook. It seems like such a silly thing to even call a "decision" but if you had any idea how much of my time I actually spend on there, you'd understand that this is a big deal. What made me decide to do this? Drama, temptation and the fact that I'm just plain annoyed with the shallowness of the people I call my "friends" on there. How long have I been saying I want to do better, be better? As if I think my life is going magically fix itself and smack me in the face when everything is all better. Nope. I'm done with the shallowness and immaturity. I don't want, or need, it in my life. I don't know how long this will last.. but I know I already feel better as a result from being "disconnected" with that part of my life.

My second decision, MAKE A DECISION. I know that I want things to be different.. but how? Where do I start? By making the decision to change.. and DOING it. I used to be madly in love with life. Literally wake up smiling. It sounds so cliche.. but I used to have this fire inside. And lately I'm not sure where that's gone. Frankly, I think I've just become scared. Scared to take chances, scared of failure, scared to look like an idiot. I've become so reserved, so self conscious, so worried about "what will people think". It's time to forget that. It's time to ask myself, "what do YOU think?" and I am.

Today I took a chance. I got hurt.. and in the past I would have closed up and acted as if I didn't care. Today I didn't. Did it make a damn bit of difference? Nope. But at least I tried. And you know what.. that IS all that matters. I tried. I put myself on the line, took a chance on looking like a fool, risked getting hurt a little. And it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. I want everyday to be like this. It's a little painful, I'm not gonna lie.. but it's also entirely freeing and exhilarating. I can sleep at night knowing that I put it all out there.. when I got a chance, I took it. That's me from now on. First comes God.. then comes happiness, joy, freedom. I think, deep down, I've been waiting around for someone to come into my life and bring all those things to me. All along, they've been in me.. waiting to come out, all I have to do is just LIVE.

That's my main focus right now. Living my life, putting God first, being happy. Honestly, I think they all go hand in hand. Even though I'm a little bummed.. I'm feeling lighter than I've felt in a long time. Somehow I feel like being disconnected from the wrong things is only pushing me to be connected to right ones. I hope so.. I want that, need that, more than anything right now. I don't understand it.. but I'm happy.

Oh yeah, they say life goes on..

Let's start this post off by taking a look at my horoscope for today:

Your home and family life may face something of a crisis or turning point today. If you and your partner have not been clear on your future direction, you may find yourselves asking where you want to go from here. A loved one may be dealing with an emotional challenge.

Check.. check.. annnnd.. check. Wow. I'm not loving the truth in this horoscope. I demand some positivity from you, Universe! Okay, moving on..

Today was NOT a good day. Just what I get for being overly optimistic about this week. Positive note? It didn't rain on me while I was wearing a white shirt, no birds pooped on my shoulder, and I didn't split my pants. Yes, I'm now taking the "it could always be worse" approach now. Honestly, what's worse than bird poop? No answers to that, please.

This is gonna be a busy week for me. Which is a good thing, it'll go by quickly. I'm also gonna be dead tired by Friday.. but I am NOT complaining. Busy means productive and productive means happy. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..

Affirmation

What did I decide today? God is like chocolate. The more you get, the more you want. Except too much God never makes you sick or fat. God is great :)

Today started out great. Actually, it started out with me waking up super late and barely making it to church on time.. but after that it was great. After church, I had mother's day lunch and spent time with the family. Since I got my new job I haven't seen them much and it was nice to just relax and hang out with them.

I feel really good about getting back into church. I've known for a while that it would be a good, positive change for me but I've definitely been slacking. It's amazing how much better I feel when I open up my heart completely and just let God take over. It seems like things just keep falling into place.. a very welcome change.

With everything falling into place, of course something would have to fall "out" of place. I thought I'd take a chance on someone that, against his efforts, has been on the back burner for a while. I've been on the fence about this, since I don't really have time for a relationship right now, but I decided to give it a chance. What's the worst that could happen, right? Well, he did exactly what I knew he was gonna do. He doubted everything and let his insecurity get in the way. Honestly, I think I'm better off. I'm not really upset about him not working out as a boyfriend, but I am sad that I've lost him as a friend. I knew it was coming though, so I guess I'm numb to it.

I'm really looking forward to this week. I don't know if I could possibly love my job more and I'm getting into a good routine. I even have less and less "mental breakdown" thoughts throughout the day. And now I have no relationship issues to deal with. Things can only keep getting better it seems :)

Just breathe

Everything is gonna be okay. I know this.. I just have to keep reminding myself.

I've had about 8 hours of sleep total the last two nights. Aside from being exhausted, work has been great. I really love my job, which helps the days go by faster, and I'm so thankful for the chance to work with such awesome people. If I can just get caught up on sleep and eliminate some stress.. I think I might get out from under my little cloud of darkness and back to my oblivious state of "happy happy, joy joy".

On a positive note, I'm finding it a lot easier to blog now that I've gotten everything out. I mean, I don't really have a lot to talk about right now but, at the same time, I don't feel like I've hit an emotional brick wall. Progress? I hope so.

I've cut a few people out of my life. Some were cut out intentionally and some just kinda wandered out on their own. I think this has been good for me. I'm starting to realize who my real friends are and which people were just along for the fun, the parties, etc. I'm glad that's becoming a smaller part of my life. Don't get me wrong I still know how to have fun, and still want to, but I see nothing wrong with settling down a little. You can still have fun without going overboard and that's a good balance for me. I need a little stability in my life right now. I'm not saying no more partying.. but I'm definitely drawing a fine line between "party friends" and real friends. As well as making sure they stay very separated.

That being said, no more guys. I mean, the guys from the past that I've played the silly games with, etc etc. I neither want or need a guy who only comes around when one or both of us is drinking/drunk. Usually, that means I can only tolerate him when I'm not sober and who needs someone like that around? Not this girl. Not only am I starting to realize what I want in a friend, I'm starting to realize what I DON'T want in a relationship. Settling down is so weird. I'm still content with being semi-single, though. Mainly because I just don't have the time for anything serious in my life right now. I have enough craziness to deal with on my own without dragging someone else into the mix full time. I'm not exactly single.. but I wouldn't say I'm in a relationship either. I'm just taking my time to decide what I want. And you know what.. GOOD FOR ME. I haven't done that in a while. I always said I wasn't gonna settle for less than what I deserved or wanted. But the last few guys I've "dated" have all had something "off" about them and I had to talk myself into those things being okay with me. Finally, I'd just reach a breaking point and think, "What the hell are you thinking!? That behavior is NOT okay!"

I'm doing what I want, what I need.. for ME. And I feel myself getting happier by the minute. It will all get better with time.

Confession

I haven't blogged in a while and I don't really know why. I have so much going on in my life right now.. but for some reason, every single time I log on and find myself face-to-face with this blank screen, I'm at a loss for words. I guess I've done such a good job at keeping everything bottled up inside lately that it just doesn't wanna come out now. At some point, I know it will.. and chances are it won't be pretty.

It seems like everything that's happened has been over the span of several months, not just 14 days. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like everything has come together, exactly as I wanted it to be. I have a new, grown up job that I LOVE. I'm finally learning who should, and shouldn't be, a part of my life. I'm starting to figure out how to do this growing up thing. After a long and extremely hard year of joy, pain, changes, loss.. I'm finally where I've wanted to be. Aside from being finished with school, I've basically accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish for myself. I have everything I wanted. So why do I have this sinking feeling? Why does it feel like something is missing?

I don't want to complain or sound ungrateful.. especially now. I know that I am SO blessed. I have seen and done more in my short life than most people even imagine. Every single day I wake up healthy, with a supporting family that never fails to show me love or praise my achievements. I have most everything I could ever want and more than I need. Yet, somehow, there's this emptiness that just won't go away. Like a hole inside of me that nothing can fill.

That's hard for me to say. I don't like to be sad, especially not publicly. I WANT to be happy, always, and I want to bring positive energy to other people. How can you do that when you have all this dark, heavy, negative weight on the inside.. dragging you down? It's not like I'm always sad, walking around crying all the time, or anything. I hang out with my friends, laugh, smile, enjoy my life. In fact, most of the time, I'm pretty content. I really have no reason not to be. I have good days and bad days just like everyone. Yes, most of the time, I'm okay.

The rest of the time.. I'm not. It's hard to explain. It's almost like this force, taking over my body and leaving me totally drained. When I'm in this state, I am either sad or just totally numb. And no matter what I do, how hard I pray for it to stop, it doesn't go away. It's not a moment of self pity.. I realize that I have SO much to be happy for. It's not just hormones or an emotional reaction to something. It's this constant feeling of "I'm sad and I don't know why". Sometimes so sad that it's painful and causes me to be physically sick.

It's extremely hard for me to talk about this, even to people close to me. I guess part of the reason is because I haven't wanted to admit it. I hate being weak. I hate feeling frustrated or helpless. I don't want to EVER need help. But maybe I do.. maybe there's strength in accepting your weaknesses. Maybe talking about it will shed some light on where these feelings are coming from, or help me to deal with them. Sometimes they're so overwhelming that "dealing" with them seems impossible. I wanted to "put it all out there" for the purpose of figuring out more about myself.. maybe this is the next step.

I don't know where to go from here. But I know that I haven't give up yet.. and that has to be a good sign, right?

Randomness

I was having a pointless conversation about turtles, that led to me doing a google search for pictures of baby turtles, and I found this blog post that I thought was cute. So, I'm sharing:

This weekend, Jason & I took a nice long walk/jog along the road that leads from our island to the next island.. As we were heading back towards our car (still about a mile away), something on the side of the road caught my eye. It looked like a shiny pebble at first… but on closer inspection it was a BABY TURTLE!!

Seriously, this turtle was the CUTEST thing I have ever seen! About an inch long, it was soo tiny yet so spunky.. Our running past it must have startled it, because he was scrunched up in his shell, but his little eyes were darting back and forth, perhaps wondering when it would be safe to pop back out. We backed off & watched it, wondering if it was headed back to the bay, or across the scary road to the marshland beyond. After a few moments, the baby turtle emerged from its shell & TOOK OFF for the middle of the road!

Now, let me explain something… while this road is not a highway, the cars do drive rather quickly, and a turtle of this size would never be seen by a car! This little turtle was bravely heading where he knew he needed to be… unbeknownst to any danger though. :( It made me so sad to think of how many baby turtles must die while making a trek like this!

So, we decided to save the little fella. Jason picked him up, and we carried him to his destination: the other side of the road. He still had a lot of ground to cover, but at least he’d be safe from cars! We watched for a bit because it was quite amusing and he was sooooo stinkin’ cute! He got stuck in a little patch of grass at one point, which was really cute, too (we helped him through it), then he had to face a mountain to climb (really a steep dirt incline about 6 inches high).

This tiny little turtle stretched its little neck waaaay out and strained with every fiber of its being… but made it over this hill! After that, I knew he’d be okay. This cute little turtle sure had a lot of spunk and definite perseverence… and I found it teaching me a lesson! This turtle had a goal, and it would face any and every hardship and obstacle that got in its way. Sure, at times it would hide in its shell, but it was always on the alert, checking for danger & moving forward when the coast was clear. When the going got tough, he didn’t give up or turn back… he kept pressing forward, straining ahead because he knew something better awaited him on the other side.

I hope I can say the same for my own life! I know I have a goal (aside from Heaven), and that is to be more like Christ. Hardships and obstacles will often try to stand in the way of that relationship and squash my faith or ruin my marriage… but these are things that must be faced! Sure it’s easy to hide my “shell”, tuning out those who want to get close… but that’s not what God wants us to do! We must be on the alert, pray without ceasing, and persevere towards our goal. When the going gets tough - when our marriage seems like its failing, our kids are disobedient, or a diagnosis of a serious illness comes in - we’re not to give up our faith or turn our backs on our relationship with Christ. Those are the times to keep going! Strive for that heart like God’s, because it brings more reward than anything we can possibly hope for!
God doesn’t promise us an easy life, an easy marriage, perfect kids, or financial bliss. In fact, he tells us that in this world we WILL face trouble! But we need to be at peace, knowing that God is in control. We can face ANYTHING with Him as our guide!

I thought this was a great post, and a great message. Here's the link to the whole post & her blog: http://thestrivingwife.com/lessons-from-a-baby-turtle/