Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I don't know

I haven't blogged in a couple of days. Mainly because I just don't know what to say. To be honest, I STILL don't know what to say. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in things that, when I finally get around to posting about them, everything just comes out in one big, confusing mess of words. Explaining the whole story from the beginning would just take too long. Long story short.. here's what happened:

I met a boy, I didn't like him. Then, I liked him but I didn't want to like him. I liked him too much, I tried to stop liking him. That worked for a while since we didn't talk much. When we finally did talk again, something seemed different, he seemed different. So, I thought, "give this another chance, there's a reason you still care".

Fast forward to now.. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I feel. What makes me REALLY mad is that I don't even know WHY I care about this kid. He's done things that have annoyed me beyond belief, and if I were to describe my "perfect guy", he's nothing like that. I'm not one of those sappy, love story types who believes in love at first sight and that everyone in the world only has one soul mate. I think you can be "in love" more than once, with different people, in different ways. I don't buy into that stuff. But I DO think you can have a connection with someone that's just unexplainable. That you can just be drawn to someone and feel something that, no matter how confusing, you can't control. And that's how I feel about him. He's addicting to me and I hate it.

I can't say that I "love" him, or that I'm "in love" with him because I don't think that's even possible. But I can honestly say that he makes me feel a way that I have NEVER felt before. Which is why, with him, all of my inhibitions go right out the window. All of the stupid things he's done and crap I've dealt with, all forgotten in seconds. I don't understand it, I'm scared by it, and I want it to stop.

Now I'm just in this state of "I don't know".. apparently waiting for some big sign or something telling me what to do. It would be really great if God sent texts. If I got a text from God that said, "Just do this.." I'd feel pretttttty obliged to listen. I guess it doesn't work that way though.

Other than dealing with, or the lack of dealing with, my emotions.. nothing else is really happening this week. It's been rainy and gross outside which makes me want to sleep all day long. I'm still looking forward to my birthday. We don't have any set plans yet, so I'm not sure what will end up happening. I just want a drama free night with my friends. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so.

Speaking of drama free nights with friends.. I guess we're having a "girls night" tonight. I'm pretty happy about this because I just wanna take my mind off of everything and laugh, be stupid and (not gonna lie) I kinda REALLY want a margarita right now! Should be fun. Cheers to this week getting better!

Monday, March 28, 2011


You know what? People. Don't. Fricken. Change! Not unless THEY want to.. or apparently unless someone else is actually worth changing for. I'm not worth that, I guess. But, hey, I tried. I said I was gonna put myself out there and I did. Maybe it wasn't the trainwreck that I thought it was, cuz I'll be honest I'm sort of an emotional mess right now, but it feels really bad right now.

I quit.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Naked Blogging

OH. MY. GOODNESS! It feels SOOO good to sleep in my own bed! I love traveling and vacations. But there's really no feeling like taking a shower in YOUR shower and sleeping in YOUR bed. Even better, I don't have to share my room with anyone who snores so loudly that I can't sleep. Yay for my quiet room! Even mooooore better?! DOING THINGS NAKED! Yes, I love to be naked and I'm not ashamed to admit it. For the most part, when I'm doing things "naked", I'm actually wearing (at least) underwear. So, maybe it's not full on naked activity, but still.. it's pretty nice. Once again, my favorite thing about living alone? DOING. THINGS. NAKED.

Back to my trip.. I didn't really take as many pictures as I had planned on. Mostly because it just wasn't the crazy weekend I was expecting. But my birthday is Friday and I'm getting more and more excited for it. I'm actually even looking forward to it now. Amazing! Anyway, I did take SOME pictures, mostly of me being stupid, and I was in the process of putting them on here when I realized.. I'm lazy and don't feel like it. And THEN, I decided to be a good little blogger and post some anyway. But the stupid photo uploader isn't working on my computer for some reason. So, as long as it's not my fault, I'm good. (Random note: I realized today that I have over 1,000 views. I understand that probably isn't much for someone who's been blogging since January.. but it means that someone is actually reading. Which makes me happy and a little nervous too. Sometimes I put things out there that I'm not sure I should. I guess that's what I was going for, though. Anyway, I guess what I'm getting to is THANKS to those of you that actually take the time to read/sort through my madness :) I think this has been, and will continue to be, a positive experience for me)

I'm getting excited for the summer now. I'm actually pushing myself to work out, developing healthier eating habits (I cheated this weekend, I WAS ON VACATION! I'm starting over, clean slate, tomorrow since it's Monday), taking my vitamins like I'm supposed to, and just trying to be happy in general. I've had a few moments where I just felt sorry for myself and thought about how suckish my life is. Then, I realized how many people out there have it SO much worse than me and still manage to be happy. It could always be worse.

Still no new developments in the whole "feelings" department. I'm not sure if I'm actually "feeling" what I think I'm feeling or I'm just being an emotional girl. Feelings and emotions are two very different things. Girls understand.. sometimes it's IMPOSSIBLE to control your emotions. Feelings, I can handle. Emotions are.. well, a bitch. But I made the decision to have a fresh start with EVERYONE (including myself) so I'm just going to be open to all possibilities and take things one day at a time. I will either open my heart up and get great results.. or it will get completely crushed and I'll be right back to square one. Either way, it's life. I can handle it. Bring it on!

I'm working on an "All About Meeee" post. In case anyone wants to know what I like/dislike, think about, try NOT to think about. I wanted this blog to be "real" and I don't feel like it's reached it's full potential yet. I need to get all the dirty little details out there. It should be interesting at least.

I should probably be sleeping. Happy Monday!

Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going, coming, thought I heard a knock
Who's there, no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the tv
thout something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings, but that's the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice, boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK
(Leona Lewis - Better In Time)

For some reason, this song describes how I feel right now. Except not really.. lol. It's more of a breakup song and I'm not really going through a breakup but more of a "I really, really care about you and I really fricken wish I didn't" situation. I've been going back and forth with myself about this, over and over in my mind for days.. and I still don't understand it. Anyone who knows me at all would know this is odd. I don't usually like to dwell on things, especially people. I think the fact that I'm confused, challenged even, is interesting to me. It's sorta like this.. I had a friend that would point a laser at the wall and her cat would be mesmerized. She'd chase it around for a few minutes, then just stare at it forever. Almost like she was thinking, "it's RIGHT there, it's so easy.. why can't I catch it?". That's how I feel. Except that my failure is due to my own stupidity, not the fact that you CAN'T catch a laser.

So, that's my dilemma. I'm mesmerized. I'm not used to things being complicated, being the one to care, reading too much into little things. Which makes me feel that, maybe, the person that has the ability to make me feel this way must be pretty damn special. Or I'm just totally off my game. I guess we'll see.

Aside from that.. my mini vacation was alright. Not nearly as "crazy" as I had hoped it would be but I guess I did have pretty high hopes. However, during this trip, I did make some plans for some crazy soon.. so I'm content :) A few beach trips, Lady Gaga concert, weekend getaways, and (fingers crossed) a trip to Philly to end the summer. If I didn't have to pay rent and a car payment, I think it might be the best summer ever. But I do.. so I have to fit work in there somehow. I'm still pretty positive that it's gonna be a great summer :)

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sunshine, butterflies & baby kisses

I realize I've been a total Debbie Downer lately. I promise I'm working on that! Positive outcomes only, think happy, be happy. I'm getting back into a good diet/work out routine and I'd like to add positive thoughts/feelings to that. I mean, I'm pretty happy, I'll admit. I just need more stupid, silly, "what the heck?" -ness in my life. I'm working on that too :)

I've been finding a lot, lot, lot of (only word to really describe it) relief through prayer and scripture. I'm glad that I haven't let negative experiences close me off from God or my faith. If anything, I feel stronger as a Christian now when I'm going through difficult things. God is great.

So, on to positive thoughts/feelings/actions!

I can do this! Who's with me?!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Truth Hurts

Why do people ask for the truth, even demand it, when they don't really wanna hear it? And why do I feel like a total jerk when I only did the right thing and told the truth?

I guess I could explain. I have this friend, ex friend now I guess, that things have always been.. complicated with. I've always known that he had feelings for me but we've never been more than friends. Mostly because of timing. I can't even count how many times he's said, "I can't do this anymore.. I can't be just friends with you". Then, sent me a text a week later saying he would try to be friends because he couldn't not have me in his life. It always ended up with one, or both, of us being frustrated and that same text message.

Now, there are two reasons that it won't work. The first, I've told him in a nice way but not bluntly. I think I told him that I've put him in the "friend zone" for so long that it's weird to think of him being anything else. Translation: I'm not sure if I'm physically/sexually attracted to you and it might be weird to find out. The problem with this? He's such a great guy and would probably treat me like a princess. But I think you should at least not be weirded out at the thought of kissing someone if you're gonna start dating that person. He's not gross or anything, something's just missing. The second reason kinda goes back to the timing thing. Except this new reason just recently came back into the picture.

We got into the whole "why can't we try this out?" conversation again and he started getting mad. So, I said, "do you want the truth? Cuz it's gonna suck". I gave him him a chance to say no, I warned him that he didn't wanna hear it. Of course, he just had to know, so I told him. And did he like the answer? No, of coooourse not. What was the answer? I have feelings, really strong feelings, for someone else and I don't think it would be fair to myself (or anyone else) to not sort those feelings out. Well, of course he's pissed, hates me, never wants to talk to me again. Usually, I might feel worse about it. But I can't help how I feel. And if he wants to be an irrational child, so be it. I'm done. I'm finally doing something for me, something that (I think) will make me happy. He can't make me feel guilty for that.

About these feelings.. I'm in trouble. Seriously, it's worse than I thought. Someone needs to start planning an intervention, like now. Against ALL of my better judgement, ignoring what all of my friends have said/thought about it, I've given someone another chance. This isn't something I do. Second chances, maybe. Third, never. I can't really explain why I think things will be different this time. I just have this gut feeling that I need to give this another try. Maybe it will be the biggest mistake I've ever made, maybe I'll learn a valuable lesson from it, maybe it will be something good. I hope it's good. Right now, it feels good.. so we'll see.

I have a few days to escape from it all.. tomorrow is my cousin's 21st birthday and we're going on a much needed mini vaca. I'll be sure to post lots of pics :) Happy early weekend!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The first cut is the deepest

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden...”

Things are not always what they seem. Sometimes things are great, sometimes they suck. Right now, they suck. I made a mistake. But not just a little, "oops I meant to only call my boss a bitch in my head but I said it out loud while she was in the room" mistake. I'm talking about a "I made a choice, and made a statement with that choice, and now I'm gonna look like a complete ass going back on that choice" mistake. But something tells me it's worth it. Oddly enough, it's the same voice that's telling me to run away and run fast.

For the most part I don't care.. about anything. Don't care if you love me, hate me, wanna marry me. I don't care about guys or their feelings. Especially feelings, those are OFF LIMITS. But I have my moments. Times when I'm insecure beyond belief, when my feelings (yes, feelings) get hurt, when I feel absolutely worthless. These moments, however rare, get to me. When something gets to me, I shut down. I don't want to, can't, deal with things. I feel seconds away from a severe panic attack at all times. I don't do good with bad.

In the past, I've handled these "dark moments" in really bad ways, really stupid ways. Very few people have ever seen me in this state and it's not pretty. I'm basically a disaster. For some reason, I feel like I'm going to have one of these moments by the end of the week. Partly due to my mistake, mainly due to life in general right now. I'm taking it one step at a time, breathing, praying, trusting myself to get through/over this.

Darkness aside, I have a confession to make. I'm annoyed with this, disgusted even. Here goes..

Dear Dumb Boy,

I knew you were bad news all along. Yet, I went around and around this vicious cycle with you. Against my better judgement, I kept you around. Until I decided you just weren't worth it anymore. Honestly, I started to care. I didn't wanna care and pushing you away seemed a lot easier. I didn't really think it mattered anyway. So, I let it go, got over it, dunzo. And what happened? Out of NOWHERE I started to miss you, to think maybe I made a mistake. Apparently you thought about it too and realized maybe you cared a little. Now, I'm screwed. I care. Yeah, you win.. I CARE. This can only end terribly.

Here I sit, in my little bubble of darkness, mad as heck that I care about someone. I'm blaming most of this moodiness on the fact that it's 4:30 a.m. and I still haven't been to sleep. I'm going to work in 3 hours, on NO sleep, in hopes that I'll actually be able to sleep tomorrow night

Crap, I care.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Birthday Smirthday

You never lied to me not once
Its not your fault that I cant trust
Its in my past, its in my path and I can't go there
Making a mess out of this game
To see it all go up in flames
So tired of being ruthless and wreckless

Time to be your only one
To almost be you're way too young
Time to crash into the sun
Time to be your 21
Time to dream that love with last
Time to drive my car too fast
Time to walk before I run
Time to be your 21
I don't believe in love and I
I pull it to the wall
I tasted sweetness there to laugh so hard as it falls
And I could push you there if you don't stop me
Push you there if you don't stop me
Please stop me
Its gut wrenching sometimes
Its life threatening sometimes
Seems like nothing can wash it all away

(Alexz Johnson - Time to be Your 21)

So, in 10 days, I'll be 22 years old. I guess you could say I'm looking forward to my birthday. In all honesty, it probably won't even feel like a birthday, I'm just ready for some cake. (Luckily, my cousin's birthday is this Friday, one week before mine. Two weeks of cake? Happy birthday to ME!)

I stand by my belief that after your 21st, birthdays just lose their appeal. I'm extremely tempted to have my 21st again.. but that probably won't happen. I'm far too boring for a 22 year old.

In the spirit of birthdays, specifically mine, this is my birthday wishlist post. Most of the things I want are things that I can, and probably will eventually, buy for myself. But let's face it, who doesn't love gifts and free stuff? Here's to wishing. (I'll keep adding more, check back if you care)

Kindle. Contrary to popular belief, not only can I, I like to read.

Season DVDs. Sadly, I'm now addicted.

Floor pillows. Not these specific ones, just really huge pillows. Just cuz.

Texts from Last Night book. For rainy days. And because I'm easily entertained.

So these are things I want. Among other things. And, of course, world peace and all that stuff.

Back to life.. 

I don't know what I'm doing. Emotionally, I mean. Other than really confusing myself. I've cut some people out. Now I'm thinking maybe I let go of someone that I shouldn't have. Because, even though I feel.. no, I KNOW this person can't possibly be good for me, I feel like I need them now. More than anything I wanna say "even though it's awful, screwed up, and makes no sense.. we're SO good together". That's not something that's easy to have with someone.. and not something I thought I'd want. Maybe I don't.. maybe I just can't let myself want that right now. I don't know what I want. Am I really about to be 22?

Friday, March 18, 2011

Fooling Around On Wanda

Let me start by saying, if I had a band, I would absolutely name it "Fooling Around On Wanda". Just so you know. Anyone wanna start a band?

Okay. So the past 2 days can only be summed up in one word : uuuuuuuuuueeeeerrrraggggghhwaaaaahh! I imagine this word to sound something like a mix of a baby screaming, a dying moose, and Snooki from "Jersey Shore". That was my day. Nothing's really happened, I just haven't felt good and everyone seems to be especially great at getting on my nerves. Add to that the fact that my abs are SOOOO sore from this retarded workout I did and yesterday I had a rude awakening. Literally, I got woken up in a very rude manner. Yeah, I'm having a little pity party right now. Deal with it.

I find myself, once again, in the middle of drama. Someone else's drama. Why, you ask? Good question. I try to mind my own business, to stay out of the middle of things, to play nice with everyone. I am Switzerland; neutral, taking no sides. Yet, I always seem to end up right in the line of fire, without a weapon or a plan. Not this time, nope. I refuse to even attempt making peace with both sides, or even one side for that matter. I'm gonna sit this one out, and all future "ones" too. Thanks.

I wanna randomly blab about life and fun and such.. but I actually have a ton of work to do.. at work. Go figure. More blab soon :)

Music I LOVE right now:

Son of a Bad Man -they're a local band, in Jacksonville, FL. & I absolutely adore them :) My fave songs are "Open Your Eyes" & "You Got Me"

Mumford and Sons -I actually like all of their songs, current fave is "The Cave"

Wakey! Wakey! -"Dance So Good" is probably one of my favorite songs of all time.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


It's 1:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. Actually, I couldn't sleep. So I decided to post, yet another, boring post. Except that I waited like half an hour before I finally got around to it and now I'm barely able to keep my eyes open or focus while I type. Yet, I continue to add to this pointless little waste of "cyber space". Is "cyberspace" one word, or two?

Tiger Woods is on one of these late night, comedy talk shows. He's so boring. I really don't understand how someone so poised and proper could get a wife, much less get a ton of women to cheat on her with. I guess money can't buy you personality but it CAN buy you hoes. By the way, did you guys know that the "wah wah wah" sound (most commonly used when someone gets an answer wrong or fails at something) is called "sad tuba"? Now you do. Why you would need to know that, I'm not sure. But now you do and you are welcome. I think I'm delirious.

Sometimes I have flashbacks. I call them flashbacks anyway. They're usually just really, really dumb memories of really, really stupid things I've done with my friends. This one, however, was God's way of making me re-live (in my mind) one of my top ten worst moments in high school. Since I have nothing better to talk about, you obviously have nothing better to do if you're still reading this, I will share my short story with you.

I was a cheerleader in high school. It was, in no way, as glamorous as they make it seem in the movies. Cheerleading is actually on that top ten list too.. baaaack to my story. When I was a freshman, and cheerleading was a little bit glamorous in my mind, we got to wear our uniforms to school on game days. As a freshman, I'm not even gonna lie, I felt too cool for school on those days. They could lie and say they didn't, but so did everyone else.

As a freshman, I also had a HUGE crush on a Senior. For the longest time I was pretty sure he didn't even know I existed.. for the longest time he probably DIDN'T. I don't really remember how it happened that we finally "met" officially but it did. Since he was older, we didn't really hang out with the same people outside of school but we'd have random, flirty conversations when we'd see each other in the halls. I didn't really think it was actually going anywhere.. but he was fun to look at.

Fast forward.. one day, wearing my cheerleading uniform since it was a game day, I saw him in the hall between classes. Of course, I was feeling super cute and walked right up to him. I was super confident and flirty. I even surprised myself a little. Anyway, I decided to walk away on a good note. Looking super cute, feeling super confident. That's what I did, walked away. I even did the little turn around, look back and smile move at one point. And he smiled too.. like, this really big, cheesy smile. Almost like he was about to laugh.. and then I realized he WAS laughing.

At this time, let me explain the term "bloomers". Also called "cheer panties", they're pretty much just that. Basically like underwear that you wear under your uniform (over your underwear) to keep anything from showing, I guess. They always seemed kinda pointless to me because, other than thongs, they basically did the same job as underwear. Except they had elastic that cut off your circulation halfway through the night.

Back to the laughter.. as he's laughing, he's motioning for me to come back. Well, of course I went.. all giddy and wondering what he could possibly have to say. I go bouncing back over, huge smile on my face, and he leans over and whispers, "your skirt is stuck in your bloomers". Yeah, apparently he was down with the cheer lingo. In that moment I gave a whole new meaning to the word MORTIFIED. I could have died. Yes, the bloomers (although skin tight) "covered" everything.. but this was still like the equivalent of your skirt being stuck in your undewear or toilet paper on your shoe (which happens to be one of my mini fears).

I think I avoided him for a month. Obviously he didn't seem to mind seeing a little bit of booty in between classes since he still talked to me after that. We even hung out after we'd both graduated and I'm pretty sure, in a drunk moment, I asked him about it. We laughed and that was that.

I have no idea what made me think of that but that was my flashback of the night. And now I'm even more tired. Hope you've been slightly entertained. The end, goodnight, peace out.

Rent, spent, tent.. vent?

^piss me offfff!

I have come to understand that there will ALWAYS be people in your life that want to get you down. Whether even THEY realize it or not. Jealousy is a nasty disease and some people are just SICK. What's worse? Sometimes these jealous people are close to you, your "friends". Some people just can't hack it when other people are happy or have things they want. Guess what? I work hard to have the things I have (and when I don't, I go without the things I want. It's called REAL LIFE). If you don't, that's YOUR fault. I don't put up with crap or settle for less than exactly what I want. I deserve to be happy. If you don't, YOUR PROBLEM. Leave me out of your negative issues, Debbie Downer :)

Moving on. This week has brought a lot of clarity to me. I've kinda been in my own little world for most of it, floating around in Happypants land, without a worry in the world. Since my mom is outta town on vacation (Yeah, thanks for just up & leaving your KID.. without telling her where you're going, checking in, or even offering to take her with. RUDE!) I've been house sitting for her and have had a LOT, lot of very chill, alone, down time. Other than having to work during the day, it's kinda felt like a little vaca of my own. I've also done a mini version of spring cleaning in my room/area of her house and that's been.. interesting. I stumbled across a box of pictures, letters, essentially unwanted memories. Let's just say that I've been praying for that "burn party" and cold weather ever since.

For whatever reason, I'm just in one of my "can't get me down" moods. Not sure why, but NOT gonna complain :)  Hope everyone is having a great week!

PS: I kinda realized this blog title is much like my month of January. Rent spent, might be living in a tent. Okay, I thought it was funny..

Shut the front door!

I just got soooooo excited!

I'm going to Memphis in May with the most super awesome redhead I know!  Beale Street Music Festival, here we come! I have another post for today but I had to contain my excitement and let it out via blog so I'm not running around work going "yayyyy.. oooh yayyyy!" :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Shut Up!

(I already know I'm gonna get complaints about this post. Because I know people who are gonna assume it's directed at them. It's not. But I will say this.. if you feel like you're guilty of this maybe you should consider why..)

People are so selfish. Sometimes I just wanna shake them and say, "WAKE UP! Don't you see how lucky you are? You're alive, you're not homeless or starving, you have clean water to drink. Your life could be SO much worse!"

I realize I don't have much room to talk in the complaining department. I'm guilty of having the occassional pity party. Sure, everyone's entitled to a nervous breakdown every so often. At least when something tragic happens, I REALIZE how lucky I am, how insignificant my "problems" are. So, I broke a nail, my freaking feelings got hurt, I didn't get exactly what I wanted. So.. freakin.. what!

Right now, people in Japan are missing, dead, starving, homeless. Suddenly my life seems pretty good. Here's my challenge to you: SUCK IT UP. I'm sorry that you're having a bad day, week, year. But guess what, it could always be worse. Right now it IS worse for a LOT of people. Think about someone other than yourself for five minutes today. Consider how lucky you are and the things you have to be positive for.

And, for goodness sake, put a freaking smile on your face!

Pictures & Junk & Stuff

Yayyyyy! After 3 days of no computer and doing EVERYTHING on my phone (which happens to be convenient sometimes but sucks when you have to rely on it for days at a time) I'm so, so, so happy to be able to blog super quickly. Andddd.. add pics :)

These are pretty much random pics. Some from the past weekend.. & some that I had on my phone, of myself, cuz I'm retarded. Enjoy!
The wall behind a monument at City Hall. I saw "Rockwall!"

Trying to get to the turtle. While being molested by the pretty bushes.

I did it! :)

Random. But pretty cool. I thought so anyway.

Really cool bricks around a fountain. There were a lot of them with random things on them.. but this was my favorite. Even though I had to stick my hand in the fountain and throw water on it to make it dark enough for the pic. People think I'm weird.

It's totally a guy's shirt, but I loved it. The pic looks kinda weird cuz I was wearing it. Guys tees = soooo comfy :)

Freakin BADASS shower cap! Favorite purchase of the day!

We're cool. Seriously.

Thaaaat's pretty much it for the weekend pics for now. Now enjoy random pics of my face.
Random pics of Heather's face brought to you by: Heather's boredom at work. And conceitedness.

At work I listen to music and take pictures of myself. I mean, work. At work, I work.

I like sunglasses. And making weird faces.

Sometimes I smile though. My face looks weird in this pic.

If you don't like my weird faces, suck it.

Are you tiiiiired of my face yet? :)

TOO BAD. I'm so hardcore.

Oh, facebook me:  :)

I'm bored. The end.

Monday, March 14, 2011

One, two, breathe..

This is the post I've been avoiding. At what point is being "real" just too much? How much of yourself can you, should you, really put out there for everyone to see. While it's extremely personal, I feel like it's also very necessary for me to do. Maybe I'll be able to make sense of my own feelings and understand why I am the way I am.

I was in a relationship that, at times, was nothing short of exhausting but was my whole world. They say to never make someone your everything because when they leave, you have nothing. That's not exactly how it happened for us.. but I will say that, when you change every detail of your life and parts of who you are for another person, you are never the same.

He was the LAST person in the whole world that I ever expected to fall for. Because, even though he was SO many of the things I wanted, ending up with him never even entered my mind for a minute. Probably for good reason. This relationship, while it had it's good times, was the definition of "emotional rollercoaster". I've never in my life been so broken down, deeply hurt, or emotionally abused by another person. Before him I never knew it was possible to be so hurt that you become physically sick. I most definitely have scars from our relationship and I honestly don't know if they will ever fully heal.

There aren't enough words to describe our relationship from start to finish. I can't count how many times we both walked away, said "I'm done", or completely broke each other's heart. I wasn't totally blameless in the whole thing and I've apologized, and taken blame for my part, many times. It wasn't all bad. In some ways, he changed me for the better, and I choose to focus on the good lessons I've learned from it. Even though we were toxic to one another, he was my best friend. I opened up to him like I never have with anyone else. When I think about the insanely happy times, I like to think that I knew a side of him that no one else ever saw too. Then again, he had many sides. A few that I was shocked to see after we split up. But this is about me..

At 19 years old, we got married. Even though we'd been engaged (an engagement that involved me throwing the ring at him numerous times and him being "done" time and time again) the actual marriage was a quick decision, mostly due to him being in the military and partly because I wanted so badly to get out of this town. We'd been through so much and ended up back together, it seemed like the next step. It seemed like the easy choice. Later, I would realize that this was my subconscious attempt to run away from everything. Was it a mistake? I'm really not sure. At one point, I loved him enough to accept an engagement ring. I loved him enough to go back after all the pain he'd put me through. I'd like to think there was a reason for it but I haven't quite learned that lesson yet. I'm still working on it..

I won't get into great detail about what happened and why it ended because it really doesn't matter why anymore. I will say that getting married at such a young age is a challenge. You're still growing up, you're still figuring out who you want to become.. that's hard enough without trying to put someone else's needs above your own. You're either going to grow up together or grow apart. Age had a lot to do with our problems, along with immaturity, finances, and lack of healthy communication. Fyi: yelling is NOT healthy communication.

Now, that part of my life is done and I'm starting over. Truth? It's really hard. I never thought I'd have to live the single life again. Never expected to have more first dates or go through getting to know another family that would become mine too. Even though I'm young it's difficult to adjust to being on my own again. I definitely have moments of "I shouldn't have to be doing this right now!" but I do feel like I'm better off now. I have never been more sure that he was NOT the right person for me. I wish I would have learned that lesson in a different way.. but everything happens for a reason and I'm waiting to know what the reason is.

I have learned a few things though. Some good and some disappointing. Because of him I doubt everyone. I am incapable of trusting someone else, to the point that I sabotaged the only relationship I've really had since then. Although that relationship had a lot of problems too, it didn't help that I was still carrying the baggage from the previous one into it.

The thing that disappoints me the most is how my relationship with him affected my faith. When we first started dating, I was immediately drawn to what a Godly man he was. I had so desperately been in need of that influence in my life. The closer I became to God, the closer I became to him. But he wasn't really that person. Sure, he went to church when he was supposed to, didn't drink, didn't cuss. He was a "model Christian", or so I thought. I thought that I had to change, to stop doing certain things, cut people out.. because I was living by his idea of what a Christian should be. There was no balance between being young and being good. Now that I've seen sides of him that were so NOT Godly.. I'm finding my own balance and realizing how things should be.

What else have I learned? There is a difference between compromising with someone and changing for someone. I feel even more confident in my moving on from him because I know that someday, someone out there will love me exactly for who I am. And if I change as a result of their love, it will be because that person makes me want to be a better person. A friend said something to me that made a lot of sense. If it felt so perfect (at times) with him and he WASN'T the one for me, imagine how great it will be when I find the one that IS for me. That, I can wait for.

There are two points to this blog. One is that I just needed to get that out. Maybe my emotional detachment will be a little more understandable now. The second is that I'm shout-at-the-top-of-my-lungs happy about finding my "balance" again. I've said before that I believe God has a hand in every aspect of my life. There's a reason for every mistake I've made, every bad thing I've been through. Just like there's a reason for my every accomplishment and moment of joy. So, God, I'm Yours. Mold me, shape me, bend me, break me. Use me however You want. I'm up for the challenge and I feel myself getting stronger every single day. But there are still parts of me that are bruised and broken.. which tells me that I absolutely need this now more than ever. Once again, here we go..

You are not alone

If I've learned one thing in the past few months it is this.. I have mastered the art of "faking it". Being happy and smiling and acting like life is great when, inside, I'm completely breaking down.

My weekend was pretty great, except for most of Sunday. I'm starting to see how life loves to kick you when you're down. Whatever. It will all get better. The bad won't last forever, nothing does.

So, about this great weekend.. Saturday was pretty awesome. I slept in and spent the rest of the day downtown with a friend. Our plan was to take silly pictures, which we did, but we mostly ended up walking around being stupid. We stumbled on this adorable little "vintage-y" (our word of the day) thrift shop. I wanted to buy everything in the place, luckily I had left my wallet in the car. I definitely see us making more trips there though. It was really nice out and everything was pretty empty since it's the last weekend of spring break. We went to a few more places to take pictures, made a brief appearance at a surf shop, I found my new favorite store and bought a shark shower cap from there. It has a fin and everything! I was beyond excited. I'll post pics soon.

Saturday night I ended up going to dinner with friends. I was supposed to be going to see a movie after, but ended up going to a bar with more friends instead. That was both fun and a total disaster. Overall, Saturday was pretty cool.

I decided to make the most of my "down" time and do some spring cleaning this weekend. I have thrown a ridiculous amount of stuff away. But I also have a decent amount of stuff for Goodwill so I'm pretty happy about that. I found some stuff in a box that belonged to my ex, and that's going to Goodwill too.

Next weekend is supposed to be Supercross weekend. But now I'm leaning more towards the beach/sightseeing in St. Augustine. I really have no clue what anyone else is doing anyway since our plans were kinda half assed. Whatever I end up doing will be fun, I'm sure, since I'll be with Jen. We have fun at Walmart in the middle of the day, so I know it'll be funny if nothing else. I'm definitely excited for the week after as well. My cousin is turning 21 on March 25 (Happy Bday Britt!) So we're going out of town for that and I can't wait! One, to celebrate. Two, just to get outta Florida! One week from her birthday is my 22nd birthday. I have no idea what, if anything, I'm doing for it.. but I'm not really concerned about it either. After 21, every birthday seems like wasted time, lol. Ohhh well.

Must. Be. Productive!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Effortless.. and even less

Today was okay. Tonight was fun. Instead of running and going to the gym, or even walking, we ended up going out for sushi, then ice cream. Health kick? Scratch that. It was worth the extra calories though.

I came home, thinking I was gonna pull an all nighter, and had lost every bit of energy I had. I ended up laying on my bed and being a complete laze. I'm not sure if laze is a word but I just made it a word. Laze, to exercise the act of being lazy. So, anyway, I was being a total laze. Beyond tired, and couldn't sleep. I've really gotta get over that cuz it makes me feel very frustrated. Eventually, I decided to go for a drive. I drove around for about 30 minutes just listening to music and thinking. It was kinda nice and now I'm definitely tired. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. And next weekend too. It's nice to have good, positive things to look forward to. Plans that people are actually going to follow through on.

I had so much to say but my brain keeps screaming, "sleep!" and I think I might actually listen for once. Happy Friday and Happy Weekend! :)


Yep, I'm going back to the days of MySpace bulletins. Super exciting stuff! Here we go :)

Has anything upset you in the last week?
Yes. A few things and a few people.

Do you miss anyone?
Very much.

If you married the last person you texted what would your last name be?
Collins, weirddd.

What's the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?
Trust. And the ability to have fun together, even in the worst situations.

Do you understand football?

Do you straighten your hair everyday?
Pretty much. Unless I'm having a lazy day.

Last person you talked on the phone with over 30 minutes?
Bob :)

Ever kissed anyone with the name starting with a Z?
Hmm.. I don't think so.

How long do you have until your birthday?
In 22 days I will be 22 years old :)

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Not even a little bit.

Who knows you better than anyone?
In the past I would have said my ex or  my mom. Now, I'm  not really sure.

Did you mean "I love you" when you said it last?
I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

Your phone is ringing. It's the person you fell hardest for, what do you say?

Do you find it hard to trust others?

Interested in anyone?
Not really. I'm enjoying being single.

Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace?
No, thank goodness! Haha.

Where is the person you miss most right now?
Probably either working or at the gym.

Do you find smoking attractive?
Not at all.

Kissed somebody whose name starts with a J C T or K?
Yes, Yes, No and Yes.

Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating?

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

Are you easy to get along with?
Not always. But for the most part, yes :)

Do you smile a lot?
I try to!

Are any of your friends virgins?
A few of them.

When someone says ‘we need to talk’ what runs through your mind?
That something big is about to happen.

Do you remember the first time you kissed, the last person you kissed?
Yes. Girls always remember things like that I think.

Would you rather take a cruise to the Bahamas or spend 2 weeks in Europe?
Definitely Europe.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
Yes :)

Have you ever laid on a bed with a member of the opposite sex without having sex?
Lots of times.

Is the last person you kissed black?
Not on the outside.. haha.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an T?
I don't think so.

Do you regret anything you've done recently?
I try not to have regrets. But I do wish that sometimes I'd listen to my own advice. I'm working on that.

Do you have a member of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Yes. It's nice to have friends like that.

Ever liked someone whose name started with a B?
Yeah, middle school days. Haha.

Is there anything in your room that reminds you of the past memories?
Yes. Oddly enough, my bed lol.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
No telling.

Excited for anything?
My cousin's 21st, my birthday, next weekend, this summer. A lot :)

Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year?

Do you stay up later than ten o'clock on a week night?
Almost always.

Do you fall asleep texting every night?

Will you be up before 7am tomorrow?
Sadly, yes.

Look in your call log, who was your last phone call from?

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
No. Everything happens for a reason.

What's bothering you?

Is there anyone in particular that you're missing right now?

Are you dating the last person you kissed?

Ever been called babe/baby?
Has a guy/girl sat on your bed before?
Yeah. These are stupid questions..

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

How bad are heartbreaks?
Pretty bad.

Last time you were really happy?
Really happy? Last week.

Next time you will kiss someone?
I don't know.

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away?
Not exactly. I've given my all to someone who didn't deserve it though.

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?
Just friends.
Where is your biological father right now?

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?
Brittni & Trevor.

How is your hair right now?
Messy as always.. haha.

Have you ever asked a boy for advice?
Yep. Tons of times.

Are you ticklish?

What song did you hear last?
The Crow and The Butterfly (Shinedown)

How often do you listen to music?

When you say you don’t care, do you mean it?

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
A few people.

If you could go back 8 months and change something would you?

Do you listen to music when you’re down?
I listen to music always.. haha.

What are you listening to right now?
Open Your Eyes (Son of a Bad Man)

Do you trust people too easily?
No. I forgive too easily though.

Did you say "f—-" today?
Haha, yeah. I'm working on that too.

What is something that you realized today?
Sometimes you shouldn't expect too much from certain people.

Do you usually have weird dreams?
Lately, the weirdest.

Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?
I think everyone has.

What was the last thing you drank?
Green tea.

Is your hair dry?

Water with ice or no ice?
With ice.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?

Do certain songs remind you of certain people?
All the time.
How many people do you dislike?
A couple.


I have made a decision. I've decided what my favorite thing about living by myself is. Thanks to the rainy weather.. my favorite thing about living on my own is.. drumroll.. making hot chocolate and baking cookies in my underwear. Well, while wearing my underwear. I can pretty much do ANYTHING in my underwear since there's no one else here! Yes, I've lived on my own for a while and am just figuring that out. I'm pretty excited about it!

So, next weekend is going to be EPIC. Epic in the super awesome, make everybody who misses out jealous, kinda way. Not the overrated way. There's a possibilty for drama but I'm not even worried about it. We (I'm not sure exactly who "we" is yet) are going to Jacksonville for the Supercross races. I was never really into motorcycles, or motorcycles racing, before. But the first time I went to a race,  it was so awesome that I've been slowly getting more and more into it. It should be a pretty good weekend in general just because of the people who are planning on going. I'm ready for a drama free weekend away from home.

Today I overslept for work by about.. 5 hours. I hate oversleeping! One, because then you have to rush to get ready and always end up going in looking a mess. Two, because you miss hours. I NEED hours! I'm not gonna lie though, that sleep felt pretty good too.

I'm really looking forward to tonight too. I feel like things have slowly been turning around and settling down a little. At least I hope so. I can't take a nervous breakdown at the current moment, I'd have to pencil it in somewhere between work and looking for my mind which I've lost. Anyway, tonight should be great, the weekend has the potential for greatness, and tomorrow's Friday. So, what could possibly go wrong? (Cue the dun dun dun sound effects.. just kidding! :) Positive outcomes only!)

So, the moral of this story is.. don't get hopped up on cookies and hot chocolate then oversleep for work. Because you will have an awesome weekend! Yeah.. I'm gonna keep looking for my mind..

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My "Eat, Pray, Love" post.. but not really

I was supposed to take a break from blogging for 5 days. I failed. I only lasted 3. I learned something though. I thought taking a break from blogging would be like a mini "healing" process for me. In the last 3 days, though, I've just been adding onto the same post. Apparently blogging IS the healing process for me. It just feels better to get everything out, to see the words on the page, even if no one else can read them yet.

In the last 3 days, I've been really pushing myself to set some goals. I've kinda just been replaying the last month or two and figuring out what I wanted to be different about them, then going from there. Goals based on lessons learned, seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, here's what I've come up with:

Goal 1: Give. I've really been thinking about volunteering. Lately, I haven't had the time to do anything other than work. Now that I have a little more time, volunteering has moved back up on my list. I believe that God has a hand in every aspect of my day to day life and sometimes I start to see little "signs" that only reassure me of that.

It's interesting how this whole thing started. I've recently been trying to push myself to be more health conscious. I was watching a talk show and the guest was the author of a book about making healthy choices when eating at restaurants. So, I'm assuming to see if the audience knew what choices to make, they set up "this" or "that" options for the audience to vote on and see which was the more health conscious choice. There were about 15 or 20 plates of food used for this process and all I could think was, "look how much food they wasted just to test people on making smart food choices. How about not wasting food as a smart choice?"

After the show, I started cleaning house for my mom. Since my dad has been working out of town, she's spent the last few weekends away with him. While cleaning out the refrigerator, I was annoyed with how much food I was throwing away. I kept thinking, "if you know you're not going to be here to eat the food, or eat the food at all, why would you buy it?"

Later that night, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad for "No Kid Hungry". Of course, I googled it to see what it was all about and immediately wanted to be involved. As it turns out, you can get involved very easily in your own community. So, that's where I plan to start giving. Apparently, you can host an event called "The Great American Bake Sale", which is exactly what it sounds like (a bake sale), and the proceeds go to No Kid Hungry. I'm really excited about it and planning to talk to some friends this week to get them involved too!

It didn't even hit me until 4 hours later how ironic it was that I had such concerns about wasting food and ended up wanting to be involved with this particular organization.

Goal 2: "Operation: Let It Go"
Regret weighs so heavy on the heart. I don't need that dead weight anymore. My solution? Let. It. Go.

A long time ago, I wanted to have a bonfire. The point of this bonfire was for me, and all of my friends who wanted to participate, to gather up all the pictures, letters, memories from ex-boy/girlfriends and burn them. Not really in an angry way or anything. More to be symbolic of letting go and moving on from the past. Say your peace, burn the shit, and be done with it. It's obviously getting a little warm outside for a bonfire now, but I still like the idea. I might find some alternative or end up throwing a "burn party" on one of the last cold nights we're supposed to have.

Goal 3: Be a loser! In the weight loss sense, of course. It is my mission for the months of March and April to be more health conscious. Not only to eat better and lose weight, but to understand more about the food I'm eating and the benefits of those foods. I'm planning on trying out the recent diet fads and finally getting around to testing everything on my "superfoods" list. Last time I did this, I discovered my love of carrot juice. I also learned how to make my own healthy smoothies, that were equally yummy. I'm pretty excited about this goal.

Goal 4: Learn something new. 2 years ago, I got a sewing machine for my birthday. When I was a little girl, my great grandma tried to teach me to sew and crochet. Back then I didn't have the patience for it. Now that's she passed on, I not only wish I had been more patient for the opportunity to share more moments like that with her, but also to have that skill. I always thought it would be pretty cool to buy plain, or even ugly, pieces of clothing from thrift stores and make them into something new and unique. The buying crap from thrift stores part I've got down. The sewing part, not so much. As part of this goal, I'm giving myself a deadline. I would like to not only learn to sew (and sew good) but also have completed my very own, original outfit by May. I see this being, by far, the funniest goal I have to accomplish. I have no patience whatsoever at learning new skills. The whole cutting back on cursing thing will definitely be exercised during this process.

Goal 5: Blind travel. I can't really think of any other way to describe it than that. This will probably be the last goal I accomplish since I'd like time to save a little money for it. I haven't decided how to go about it yet. I thought about writing random places on paper and drawing from a hat. Or maybe just clicking some random spot on my GPS map. I'm not really sure.. basically I'm gonna get in my car and drive, to a totally random place. No plans, no itinerary, no expectations. I'm just gonna get in the car, drive, and spend an entire day (or maybe 2) exploring somewhere new, something new. I think figuring out how to accomplish this will be more work than actually doing it. Tips would be greatly appreciated for this goal :)

So, those are the goals I've set for myself in the last 3 days. I plan on adding more, but starting small makes me feel like I'll actually do them. I'm really excited :) The rest of this post is basically "mini posts" from the last time I blogged. I know it's only been 3 days but it's been really good for me. I really thought, in great detail, about some of the things I wanna do. The great thing about these goals is that they're short term and they're all attainable. I feel good about this.

Oh, it's what you do to me (Day 1)
I hate those feelings that you keep inside, trying to deny, because when you say them out loud, or write them, they become so real. And then you can't hide from yourself anymore.

I guess I'm hiding from those feelings right now. I'm struggling with the whole "waiting" thing. I can tell myself everyday that this time is for me but deep down, I feel like I'm always waiting for someone to come along that's gonna fix everything. I know that's wrong. No one is going to be my cure. I need to do it myself, but does it have to be so hard?

My memory is also tormenting me. I keep having these random flashbacks of times when I was so happy with someone. And even though I don't want to be with that person anymore, I keep wondering what could change that happiness? Or was it even real happiness in the first place? Maybe not. If not, I definitely don't want that again. The heart can play such dirty tricks on the mind sometimes. Or is it the other way around?

I guess, regardless of how hard it is, I'm gonna keep "fixing" myself til I'm all better. Because, somehow, I feel that settling would only break me down more. Just keep moving forward.. move, move, move..

Dead and gone (Day 2)
Today I had lunch with an old friend. It was so nice to catch up, to see someone from the past. It was even nicer to be able to hang out with a guy and not be worried about expectations or intentions. I love that there are people in my life that things will never change with. Those people that, not matter how much times goes by between conversations or seeing each other, you can always pick up right where you left off.

Anyway, this is my song of the day:
Dead and Gone - TI & Justin Timberlake (yum!)

If I was one of those people that got huge areas of my body tattooed, I'd probably get this somewhere. I love this part of the song, it's real.

I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright

So, it's back to work today. I'm not even a little excited about that. I am, however, still super excited about my goals. I needed something to focus on and I think this will be great! :)

Indifference(Day 3)
I'm totally having one of those "Really?! Like, freakin REALLY?! You have GOT to be kidding me!" kinda days. I'm so disappointed right now. I guess that's what happens when you have faith in, and try to see the best in, people. What a waste of time. Oh well, it happens. Moving on..

Today's horoscope: Unexpected "in-law" or family problems seem to keep cropping up lately. You just don't see eye to eye with your own parents, or the parents of your significant other. There are ways to find workable compromises that can bring people back together.

To the "in-law"/other family problems, all I have to say is, Ha.. Haha.. HAHAHA. The rest of it, holy potato! So true. Since my dad has been outta town a lot lately, I decided to invite my mom to stay the night with me so she wouldn't have to be home alone. EPIC FAIL. I love my mom, I really do. But geeeeeez does that woman know how to push my buttons!! Everything I do, from the way I drive to the way I wash dishes, seemed to be cause for complaint. I haven't bickered that much about pointless (no other word for it but..) BULLSHIT since my last relationship. I mean, seriously, she drives me nuts! I guess that's what parents do though. I should just feel lucky to have parents that are still around to annoy me, which I do. I'll survive.

Fallout (Day 3, Part 2)
There are no words. Sometimes things happen that make you really think about what's important in life, what matters most. That's happened. It actually happened 2 days ago and, as hard as I've tried to put on a brave face and pretend nothing's changed, I feel like everything is falling apart. It didn't really hit me then but it's hitting me now. I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I guess shock would be a good place to start.. but even that doesn't feel fitting. I guess that's why there's usually a negative feeling about "the unexpected", right? Because you usually don't expect the bad things that happen. Life's little curveballs. I just keep reminding myself to breathe and focusing on my goals. Everything happens for a reason.

This, luckily for you, is the end. I hope you've been as entertained by the last 3 days of my life as I have :)

Monday, March 7, 2011

"Check your coats and feelings at the door"

Oh Monday.. I was so unprepared for you!

I have had another one of my self realizations. Lately I've been trying so hard to push any negativity aside and see the positive in everything. I've been doing pretty good, better at some times than others, but I would like to be doing pretty great with it. After scrolling through my facebook newsfeed this morning, I realized something.. it's REALLY hard to be positive when you're friends with a bunch of VERY negative people. I kept thinking I needed a break from this town but, let's face it, I need a break from everyone's bad energy.

The last few weeks. I've been getting together with a friend and going for a 4 mile (or so) walk/run. We talk about life, about the past, we laugh and we just enjoy ourselves. Every single time, I go home feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my life. And I think about things. I mean REALLY think about my life, my choices, where I'm at, and what I want. Then, I hang out with friends and waste time and money, and go home feeling empty, like something is missing. I can't help but think maybe it's not about what I'm doing, is about who I'm surrounding myself with. It's almost impossible to be unhappy when you're surrounded by happy people, right?

So this is my little experiment: figure out who makes you happy, figure out what makes you happy, do that and say goodbye to everything else. This year was supposed to be all about a new start for me. Even though it's taken a little longer than I wanted, I'm finally getting there. Whatever happens, I know I'm only gonna be better for it. Because, from here on out, I'm choosing to see only the good in every situation.

In the spirit of spring break, I'm also taking a break from blogging. For 5 days. In this 5 days, I'm (hopefully) going to keep a journal and my next post will be a mashup of everything that happened. I hope something super enlightening happens in those 5 days. Positive outcomes only!

PS: If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, there's a picture you can click on that will take you to the website No Kid Hungry. Please take the pledge to help end child hunger! You can also share the link on Twitter and Facebook by clicking here! Thanks :)

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Just jump

After reading my last post again, I'm totally lost. I guess I've hit a bit of an emotional roadblock lately. I can't say that I'm surprised, with everything else that's been going on. I keep telling myself, "this time is not about anyone else, it's about you, stop looking for someone to focus on".. I'm starting to think I need to tattoo that on my forehead. Some things are easier said than done I guess.

I had a pretty good day. I didn't sleep very well last night though, since I'm still sick, and my cousin decided to randomly stop by bright and early. After dragging me out of bed, we went to the movied, then did some shopping. I bought a plant, a cute flowerpot, and this ceramic bird. I'm not sure why, since I have nowhere to put them other than next to my front door, but it looks pretty cute.

My mind is on a completely different planet right now. This weekend was the total opposite of what I thought it would be. I feel so stressed.. aren't weekend supposed to be a time to relieve stress from the week? I'm seriously debating just working crazy overtime this week and disappearing somewhere for a few days next week.

I heard this earlier and it seems so fitting for how I feel right now:
"There will always be riptides in life but you can't let that stop you from getting back in the water"

You know what? Stuff happens. Fall down, stand up, brush the bad off and keep on moving. I'm in such a weird place right now and I DON'T LIKE IT. So, this is me moving on. Heeeere we go..

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Devil's Advocate

WARNING: This post contains confusing, stupid material and may not be suitable for readers with a short attention span.

First, I'll start with an explanation of the title of this post:

A devil's advocate is someone who, given a certain argument, takes a position he or she does not necessarily agree with, just for the sake of argument. In taking such position, the individual taking on the devil's advocate role seeks to engage others in an argumentative discussion process. The purpose of such process is typically to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure, and to use such information to either improve or abandon the original, opposing position. It can also refer (less commonly) to someone who takes a stance that is seen as unpopular or unconventional, but is actually another way of arguing a more conventional stance.

Now that you know, in case you didn't already know, what a devil's advocate is I can get to my point. I am playing devil's advocate.. with myself. How is that possible, you ask? Because I am an idiot.

(At this point, I should probably explain that this post originally started on Friday, got interrupted during work, and then my computer decided to be stupid and not let me finish it. So, it is now 6:58 a.m. on Saturday morning and I'm finally getting around to finishing it on my phone. Oh yeah, the stupid warning still applies.)

Lately, I've been in this weird "go with your gut" mood. If you feel something, just act on it, see what happens, right? No! Stupid, stupid, stupid. That doesn't apply in every situation. Somewhere, deep down, I KNEW that I was gonna regret my actions. Yet, I did it anyway. For what? Because I am apparently, for lack of a better word, a dumbass. But you live and learn, right?

Here's where it all started (Friday's horoscope.. I knew I should have stopped reading these things!) :
A small crisis is still a crisis, isn't it, Aries? You can expect one in your personal life today. Since you aren't the kind of person who lets issues go unresolved, you won't be able to put off dealing with your problems any longer. Are responsibilities shared equally with your partner? Are you each making an equal effort to maintain harmony? Asking the questions is the first step to answering them.

I just HAD to drag up ALL those issues. And instead of resolving anything, I just made a *@!?%#$ mess of them! If being complicated was a skill, I'd be bankin right now. I don't really have more to say without getting into great detail. Which I probably should do.. but in this case I think it might just make me feel worse. I'm gonna let my heart take a break from decision making and force my brain to handle things for a while. Brain, get your shit together!

Now I'm awake at 7 a.m. on a Saturday, watching (or listening to) Curious George, wondering what happened to the awesome cartoons from when I was a kid. Man, I wish I was a kid again.. I don't know where this is going anymore..

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Moving mountains

I had every intention of avoiding the world today. I just expected today to be terrible since something I've been looking forward to, and simultaneously dreading, was happening today. But I'm extremely happy. That feeling of peace, no matter how small at times, seems to keep me pushing through. Things are never as bad as they seem.

Even though I'm still sick I feel better than I have in months! Mostly because I'm catching myself being positive in the hardest situations. For example, I picked up my last check from my previous job and was headed to work when.. the low fuel light came on. I figured I could make it to work and decided to just keep driving (mostly because I was being lazy but also because, as anyone who knows me really well knows, I HATE PUMPING GAS!)

So, yeah, I ran out of gas. In the middle of nowhere. Usually, I'd get so frustrated and pissed off. Even though it was nobody's fault but mine, I would have been mad at the world. Instead, I called someone to help me out. Since it was gonna be a while until they could make it to where I was, I rolled the windows down, turned the music up, and decided to catch up on blogging while I had some free time. Luckily, it's a gorgeous day out :)

In other news.. that person I felt so stupid about letting back in? Yeah, they're back out. Nothing happened really.. I just needed to realize that sometimes there are people you just shouldn't have in your life. I have a feeling it's gonna come down to me ignoring them for a few days before they get the hint. But the past has proven that dealing directly with this person is pointless. Sometimes you just gotta do what ya gotta do. I feel good about this decision. If I let them stick around it's gonna be a whole lot of me waiting for them to change, no change at all, and disappointment for me. I think I'm good without that. Tonight is our weekly Jersey Shore get together and I'm so looking forward to it. Today is a good day :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A little light in the darkness


I'm in a great mood. Somehow, in the midst of all the chaos, everything seems to be falling into place. It's hard to explain.. I'm just happy.

More later!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Get outta my head Universe!

Ohhhh my goodness. What a day already! Even though I haven't left my bed yet.. it's been rough. After working out (yeah I'm calling whatever we did working out cuz I'm sore, sore, sore!) with my friend last night, I came home to finish up a little cleaning, got a shower and passed out. I expected to sleep through the whole night cuz I was pretty tired. Except that this lovely new sickness came with a nasty cough that keeps me up half the night. At some point, I guess I sat up in my sleep to stop from coughing. I'm not really sure but I woke up and I was sitting indian style, with my head on my foot, drooling on my leg. Yeah, I just painted a pretty attractive picture there, didn't I? That was around 2 a/m. I think I woke up about 5 more times between then and 7:30. After hitting snooze for an hour, I decided I wasn't going to work. Of course, after you call into work and can finally turn off your alarm and go back to sleep.. you CAN'T go back to sleep! Stupid body. So now I'm sitting here in bed all stuffy, super sore and coughing like an old man.

Anyway, I figured it would probably be a good idea to get some rest. Even though I had the weekend to relax from last week, it was a little crazy/stressful itself. And now that I have a chance for some free time, heck yeah I'm gonna take it. Of course, I checked my horoscope and the stupid thing is spot on:

If you've been feeling tired or sick lately, this will probably turn around for you, Aries. You may often experience moodiness, and this can be a real drain. Your emotional state can affect how your body feels. Be sure to take care of your feelings as well as your body. If there are things that need to be worked out, take care of them today. The two really do go together.

Well that's good news. The sickness turning around part anyway. The feelings thing I reallllllllyyyyy do not wanna deal with right now. Or ever for that matter. But especially not right now. Boo you feelings! I guess it's inevitable.. I'm gonna have to deal with all of them at some point or they're gonna blow up. Joy!

But for right now. I'm gonna drag myself outta bed, take a shower, and try to make something useful out of my sick day. Or.. I'm gonna go back to sleep. We'll see :)

-- OH OH AND OH FREAKIN DANG! I just realized it's March 1st! One more month til I celebrate my 21st birthday AGAIN. Sweeeeeet :) --