Sunday, June 19, 2011


Today was a good day. I guess I should say today IS a good day, though, since it's not over yet. So.. today is a good day. Aside from the little "surge" of emotions here and there, I've been in a pretty good mood today. I spent part of the afternoon at the river with my family, went for a boat ride, and just "lazed" (I need to start using my made up words more) around for a bit. Then I came home, changed clothes and went to the gym. I've decided to extend my "new chapter"/fresh start thing to every aspect of my life, including fitness. I set this goal for myself a while ago but I never really took the time to follow through with it. I've been doing a lot better lately and I'm proud of myself.

So, fingers crossed that nothing comes up, I'm planning on going to Charleston next weekend to look at apartments. I'm not sure what got into me, other than this rush of awkward emotions, and lit the fire under me to finally follow through with my plans to move. I guess I've just been feeling kinda "stuck" lately and I need a change. I'm excited for this. I'm not sure what I'll do when I get there but that's half the fun. Even though I DO know some people there I don't know enough that it will just feel like the same old thing. Besides, my plan is to meet new people and really put myself out there this time to every possibility. I've never moved somewhere new without a boyfriend or having a boyfriend back home and I think it will be good to be in a "new" place with no restrictions. Worst case scenario I'll be lonely and visit home a lot.. 5 hours isn't so far away.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I'm not sad, I'm not overly happy.. I just feel good. It's like I've found something inside myself that keeps saying "don't be afraid to do what you want or ask for what you want, do it.. take it.."

It's nice to be back in this place again.. I've missed good :)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

These thoughts, all these thoughts..

You know what I don't understand? Well, other than people who have foot fetishes or wear socks with sandals.. I don't understand the way emotions work. I don't understand why, as humans, we can't just be happy with what we have. Or at least toss it aside and find something else to be happy with.

Exhibit A: Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy but in a different way. Boy waits a really long time to be with girl. Girl decides to give boy a chance. Boy is happy. Girl is not feeling the same way as boy so girl ends things with boy. Boy is sad. Girl knows this is the best decision. Boy says goodbye. Girl wants boy back.

What the heck?! Before I start ranting.. let me continue on with this little scenario. Alright, boy is gone and girl wants him back. Boy comes back and girl is happy. Boy wants to spend time with girl. Girl wants to be alone pretty much ALL the time. Boy gets upset. Girl ends it. Boy is sad but goes away again. Girl, who did not want boy, wants boy back.

This, obviously, is just a hypothetical situation (that, obviously, is a lie) but this whole scenario blows my mind. Why do we want what we can't have? Or why don't we just want what we CAN have when we HAVE it?! I hate this. I hate feelings and emotions with every fiber of my being. Yes, I realize that hate is a feeling and I hate it too.

Whatever it is that takes over.. that little thing there in the back of our minds when our head is saying, "you know this is the right thing, you need to let go" Yeah, you know that thing I'm talking about? Well.. I DO NOT LIKE IT. It's like the head is fighting the heart. For every logical explanation the head comes up with for why you shouldn't do/want/feel something, the heart just counteracts that. But not in simple debate form, no. The heart is a tricky little bastard and pulls out all these memories that you didn't even know you had. Completely irrelevant memories that meant so little at the time that you didn't even notice, or care enough to file them away, but now they're all you think about. The heart attaches every song, whether happy or sad, to that person and keeps replaying those obnoxious songs over and over in your head. The heart makes you type long, heartfelt letters to that person and pour out everything you have. Then, when your head tells you to destroy that letter and never actually send it, the heart makes you wait a day and do it all over again. I'm not sure what I dislike most.. the heart for feeling all this crap in the first place or the head for not being stubborn enough to tell the heart no. It's that simple. It should be anyway. Just say no. Even when it feels like your heart is being ripped into a million tiny pieces, your whole body just feels empty and numb, and you can't think about anything else.. JUST. SAY. NO.

It's simple.. right?

Oh well.. moving on. Tomorrow (technically today) is father's day. I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family. I just wish it wasn't Sunday already. I feel like the weekends go by so much faster than they used to. I dislike that almost as much as the heart. Anyway, I should have some pretty interesting posts coming up if this week plays out anything like I expect it to. Fair warning, a few will probably be containing more angry rants from me about feelings. Disregard this, I'm feeling highly emotional at this time. Nothing the right amount of drugs, alcohol and sex can't fix. Just kidding. Seriously though, I'm kidding.

Pants on, feelings off. Happypants out!

Chapter 2

I haven't blogged in a long time. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same.. it's weird. I've been up and down, back and forth with the same relationship for a little while now and it's been taking a toll on me. I can finally say, with total confidence in my decision, it's over. Honestly, I've learned a lot about myself and what I truly want in this whole process. While I'll always love this person, and always hold out hope that he can go back to being one of my best friends someday, he just wasn't "the one". Of course, hurting him hurts me but I have this peace inside of me now that tells me I made the right choice. I know God has a plan for me. I don't know what it is or where it's gonna take me.. but I know I have to do everything in my power to follow that plan, no matter what.

The wonderful job that I fell in love with from the start is proving to be anything but wonderful now. I really like the job itself but the drama from a specific person at said job is just insane. The last 2 weeks have been filled with drama and tension beyond anything I've ever seen. I thought getting a "grown up job" meant I might actually be working with grown ups. Boy, was I wrong! I have, for the most part, been able to get over the drama and not sweat the small stuff. After all, I have bills to pay and I don't go to work to play with my friends. At the end of the day, I leave the drama there and try to come home happy. Some days, I succeed. Other days I fail miserably. It's a work in progress.

For the most part, I'm pretty content. I've set a time frame for some things I want to achieve and I feel like everyday I'm just counting down to those moments. As frustrating as that is, it gives me something to look forward to and I can't complain about that.

One thing really weighing on my heart lately is how much I miss my family. There are moments when I feel so far away, so disconnected. This happens mostly when I get wrapped up in the drama and stress myself to the point of no return. Sometimes I don't feel like myself anymore and I find myself just longing to be around the people that keep me grounded and remind me to stay true to myself. I guess it's pretty easy to take your family for granted sometimes but life has a way of forcing you to think about what really matters. I'm blessed to have an amazing, supportive family. Especially in times like that.

I heard a quote the other day and even though I can't remember it word for word, I took a lot away from it. Basically it said that life is like a book, you have good chapters and you have bad. Well, I'm turning the page in my book. I've come to the end of a chapter filled with insecurity, doubt, and sadness. It's time to start creating a new chapter and that's exactly what I intend to do. I feel confident, powerful, in charge of my life for the first time in.. well, ever. I know what I want and I have the motivation and determination to get it all. I'm done taking life one step at a time.. I'm jumping, skipping, running head-on into life, full force. I'm alive, on fire, full of the will to just live. I can't wait to see where God will take me :)