Monday, February 28, 2011

Third time's a charm?

Yes, I know, I'm obsessively posting today. My brain is working on overload or something and I can't. stop. thinking! Maybe I should try to write a book, then it would stop.

Anyway, I had a pretty awful day. It started bad, got better, then got worse. Until I came home, ate way too much random food, and walked/ran for like 4 or 5 miles with a friend. I think I vented about everything possible and felt much better. Although I did almost get run over by other people running like 4 times. Did you know it's apparently sidewalk etiquette to yell, "coming up.. on your left/right" to people when you're running? Well, apparently it is. So, now you know.. thank me later. I feel so much better when I actually do something productive with my time. I also sleep like a baby which is SO nice after weeks of 3 hour "naps" in place of sleep. I didn't even go home and scream the f word 40 times like I thought I would. I guess my awful day had an alright end. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, right? Even the awful ones :)

I guess I should get around to the real reason for this post. A friend tagged me in this and I thought I'd share. Lucky you!

There's really nothing to say about it.. pretty much sums itself up. Earlier, I started thinking about my blog. Mainly how much I've changed even since the first couple of posts. Then I realized.. I only started this less than 2 months ago. Have I really changed, grown up, that much in 2 months? Is that even possible? In a way, I don't think this blog has turned out to be what I expected it to. Oddly, I'm really grateful for it. One, because I never realized there are people out there that can actually relate to me on some level, and Two, because really.. who doesn't love to just complain about life sometimes? It's kinda nice to just bitch it out and be done with it. Reading back on it always makes me more thankful for the good days.

If you wasted minutes of your precious life reading this, I apologize :) Happy (almost) Tuesday everyone!

Nothing is wrong when it comes from the heart

I had the weirdest dream last night. That "K" found my blog, then started his own blog to blog about mine. It was one of those dreams that feel so real you actually wake up feeling the emotions from the dream. For a minute, I was tempted to text him. Then I remembered how well ignoring people, and insignificant feelings about people, works for me. Three cheers for bitchy tendencies.

Today is getting somewhat better. Knowing that I never have to step foot in my horrible place of previous employment is like a huge, annoying weight lifted off my shoulders. At least that's one less thing to complain about now, right?

Alright, time for "I don't believe in these but now I read them everyday and it's so scary how closely they relate to my life that I'm actually starting to think they're true" horoscope time! Get excited! You got excited, didn't you?

Today, Aries, you may think about competition and possible future goals. Imagining and dreaming can serve you well. What did you dream about as a kid? Who did you want to become? Are you close to this in your life now? If not, is this all right for you? Take time to think such things through and, if need be, get back on the right track.

Well that's confusing. I guess if I look back on where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.. no, I'm not there. But I am starting to be happy with where I'm at. I might not be moving at the moment but I DO think I'm on the right track. Or on a track, at least. To where, I don't know.. but hey, life's a mystery. If I knew what was gonna happen tomorrow, that would ruin today.

I'm pretty content right now. I'm doing (somewhat) better at being financial responsible, I don't party all the time, and I actually have my priorities in order.. the right order. Growing up is so weird. Don't get me wrong, there's still a WHOLE lotta crazy left in me. I just don't feel the need to exhibit it quite so often and quite so.. extremely? I just feel happy and at peace. Everything's gonna be okay :)

Quote of the day: "Now that it's all over, what did you really do yesterday that's worth mentioning?"
-Coleman Cox

Soundtrack to My Life

It's depressing how much I relate to this song:

Kid Cudi - Soundtrack to My Life

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pourin' outta me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life
The soundtrack to my life

This morning has started terribly. I'm sick and will probably lose my voice by tomorrow. But whateverrr. I hope today gets better.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Too little, too late

So, here I am.. right back in this situation I promised I wouldn't get myself in again. I let someone back in, against my better judgement. And even though I haven't broken, I haven't given in, I'm still freakin frustrated!

They seem to be trying a lot harder this time. Actually, the word I would use is relentless. Which, in a way, almost makes it easier for me to reject. You didn't wanna put that effort forth last time? But it's okay because you do now? Guess what.. too damn bad. You had your chance and now it's gone. I haven't lost anything from this. I hear you're a "great friend" anyway. We'll see about that.

This probably sounds bitter. It's really not though. I'm just fed up with second, third, fourth and fifth chances. Not everyone deserves them. I can let go of the negative feelings but that is not, in any way, justifying or excusing someone doing me wrong. Forgive and forget, relive and regret. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice.. you get the point. There will be no fooling me twice. I've given up on second chances.

This weekend ended up being pretty great after all. Today was a beautiful day and I spent most of it with great friends. I feel really lucky to have them. I wish everyday could be like today. We did a lot of stupid, silly stuff that isn't even worth blogging about. I made dumb choices. What's new there? All in all, I'm happy. Back to the daily grind tomorrow. I dread it a lot less now :)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I Know

This isn't one of my typical posts. I actually never thought I'd EVER be posting about this. But something has really been weighing on my heart lately and I guess it needs to come out. I have faith. I am a Christian. I don't hide it but lately I haven't been very great at showing it either. I've had some pretty bad experiences with, and examples of, "Christians". I guess it's made me bitter towards the idea of faith in general. I believe in God, in being a good person, and living your life to the fullest. I don't take my faith to extremes because I, personally, don't believe that's what faith is about. I would never force my beliefs on someone, whether it be about God or about the best brand of toothpaste. It's just not who I am. You do your thing and I'll do mine. Would I share my ideas and opinions with someone? Sure. But my relationship with God is personal, it is mine. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it or says about it.. it comes down to what I know and feel, in my heart, to be true.

I heard this song and it really just stuck with me. It's kinda how I feel right now I guess.. so, enjoy :)

Where do I begin with what to say?
I've played this conversation in my head so many times
I'm certainly not claiming to know everything
but what I do will save your life

I know, I know that God is able
I know, I know that He still reigns
I know, I know that love has found a way

No matter what it is you're going through
even if you think you're far beyond where hope can see
I know there is a hand that's reaching out for you
because He did the same for me

It wasn't that long ago
when my own world fell apart, it fell apart
and everything here inside of me said to let go
you must let go

I found myself crying out
to the One who knows my heart
He knows your heart
and holding tight to the few things that I know

I know, I know.. that love has found a way

Listening to: I Know - MercyMe

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

When I wish upon a star..

What a week! So far I've worked over 20 hours in the last two days. Which doesn't seem like that much when I say it but, to my body, it feels like a LOT. I've had such a mix of emotions this week. At the beginning of the week I got some bad (also, in a way, good) news in the mail. It had me kinda bummed but in a bittersweet way. Then, I had a great night of conversation with a friend and felt a million times better despite everything that's been going on lately. I also got a text from someone that I swore I'd keep in the past. For some reason, that I've yet to figure out, I decided to let this person back in. I've set boundaries for myself this time though.. I really hope I don't regret this.

So, I know I said I didn't put too much stock in horoscopes.. but I always think it's really interesting when they fit what's going on in my life. This is mine for today:

There's a conservative veil over your emotions, Aries. Issues from the past might arise and rub you the wrong way. You move onward and upward by nature, plowing ahead without thinking of the consequences. Today you might be a bit more sober than usual. Look at what's worked in the past in terms of keeping your fiery emotions intact. Try not to resent the past but learn from it.

Issues from the past have ABSOLUTELY rubbed me the wrong way this week. Yesterday, in particular. I got a really rude text, hateful almost. It hurt my feelings because I've been trying SO hard to be civil with this person and be a mature adult during any interactions with them. And I couldn't understand why they felt the need to be intentionally hurtful to me. Instead of sinking to their level, I politely ended the conversation and tried to put it past me. I should start doing this with anything negative in life. Face it with my head held high and smile through whatever emotions I'm feeling inside. I'm starting to think feelings aren't so bad.. but there's a time and place for them. Especially the negative ones.

During my conversation with my friend, she said something that I've heard before.. but really makes sense right now: "Maybe it's not about finding the right person. Maybe it's about being the right person.."

I'm not looking for the "right" person. I'm not looking for any person. Mainly because I'm too busy right now for myself, much less someone else. But I can honestly say that I'm learning how to "fix" myself. I've been broken and now I'm learning to be whole again. One day at a time. I guess it's a mix between growing up and realizing what I deserve.

My life is not perfect. But right now.. I am perfectly happy.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Happy happy, joy joy!

Today was good. No, today was GREAT.

I had the day off from the job I'm starting to despise, signed up for the gym, got my fitness on with a friend, had yummy sushi & hours of GREAT conversation. I got things off my chest and got a lot of really great advice. That I'm actually planning on taking for a change. Something is different. I just.. feel good. Like my body, my heart, my feelings. Everything feels good. I'm just happy in a way that I can't explain.

And everything in me just wants to shout, "Thank you God! I am SO blessed!" I really, really am. It makes me feel so silly about complaining so much lately. I have so much to be happy and rejoice for! Thank you, God :)

I am happy.

Is someone getting the best of you?

The last two times I've been "in love", it's been complicated and a damn struggle just to get through simple moments. Sure, there were times that I was happier than ever and couldn't see myself without the person I was with. There were also times, too many to count, that I thought to myself, "What the HELL am I doing?! It isn't worth this.. it should NOT be this hard!"

Love, or even like, should not be complicated. Being with someone should just be easy, or at least not feel emotionally draining all the time. I think so anyway.

So, here it is.. I'm choosing not to settle for complicated, stressful happiness. I think I'll just live my life with joy and occasional moments of overdramatic moodiness.. and just let my "easy" come find me. No more complicated sounds nice.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Mama said there'd be days like this

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

Cuz nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

I love music. Especially how the perfect songs seems to find me at just the right time. It IS time for a change. I'm so tired of the same thing, the same people, the same places. I'm so tired of being TIRED and always complaining because I'm not happy with this repetitive carousel of bullshit that is my life recently.

I've been trying to decorate my apartment for the last 4 months. I've either been too busy, too broke, or planning on moving away. Since I decided to stay here, at least long enough to figure out what I want, I figured I should finally start the decorating process again.

So yesterday, I woke up, drove for a while, and went shopping. All day, by myself. It was one of the best days I've had in a really long time. I didn't have to rush, worry about anyone else, or stress about ANYTHING. I spent 2 hours in one store, just looking at everything, planning out ideas in my head. And no one bitched about it or got in my way. It was kind of perfect.

I think that's the change I need. To be somewhere different, not worrying about making anyone else happy. Just making myself happy. At least I'm moving in that direction. Right?

On a more frustrating note, I am an idiot. I think I want something, then I get it, and I find a way to ruin it for myself. Except in this case, I'm not sure I'm ruining it entirely on my own. Ugh. Damn. Blahhhh! I don't like caring. It's messy and almost always ends badly. At this point I should probably stop typing and start sleeping. Week from hell part 2, starting.. now.

Mood: Blah. Shut up.

If a heart could smile..

..then mine definitely is right now :)

I don't really know how this happened. It's like a mix between those "what I wanted was RIGHT THERE all along" and "well, this is new.." feelings.

Whatever it is. It somehow just feels right. It's hard to explain, which makes me feel like I shouldn't even try.. I should just go with it. So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna stop thinking and start feeling. What could go wrong..

Have to add a "Haha" for that last line. Even as I tell myself to stop thinking, every possible way that this could go wrong is running through my mind. But I'm taking a chance. "Do one thing every day that scares you." Well okay then, here I go..

Mood: Hopeful :)

Friday, February 18, 2011

Ashes, ashes.. we all fall down

Friday, welcome back! Oh, how I've missed you!

This has been one long, crazy, stressful week. Even though it seemed to drag on forever, looking back I can't remember most of it without it all blurring together. I'm just glad it's over. Yesterday involved more tears and ended in laughter because I just didn't know what else to do. Today basically involved a lot of thinking, "come on 5:30, come on.."

I'm supposed to be taking a test tomorrow at 9:30 a/m for work. Except that you have to pay for it 5 days in advance.. and I forgot to. So now I can't take it for 2 more weeks and I don't get to wake up super early on a Saturday. Oh, bummer :) I don't know how I'll ever get over it..

So, I'm thinking of taking a trip to Tampa tomorrow for some shopping and selfish time. And ending the trip with some crazy time.. but first I'm sleeping in as late as possible. I suddenly got a lot happier :)

I have a three day weekend and I'm determined to get in trouble. Here we go..

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Round and round we go..

I'm about to bore your pants off. Are you ready?

The last 2 days, I've had to be up at 5:30 a.m. for work. The last 3 nights, I haven't been able to sleep before 12 a.m. I've been tired, moody, emotional, and all around crazy. I decided that since I can't get any sleep, I might as well get stuff done. Don't worry, I'm not gonna bore you with all the stuff I did.. but it was a lot. To reward myself, for getting stuff done and for eating better (by better I mean less.. cuz I'm too lazy to buy groceries haha), I decided to have a huge ass bowl of ice cream. And it was soooo good! The only problem is that I had this ice cream at 10:30 at night and now I'm on this crazy sugar high. I'm thinking that's probably a side effect of not drinking for almost 3 weeks. I've been sober for SO long that I'm now getting hopped up and crazy on ice cream. I'm so disgusted with myself right now, in a totally hilarious way.

So the last 4.5 hours of my work day weren't too eventful. We were short staffed, I guess, and I ended up working with infants.. again. I'm not crazy about changing diapers. I'm also not crazy about snot, spit up, or sticky hands. But I don't have much longer there.. I can deal. On a positive note, I can now do pretty much anything while holding a baby. Clean up a mess, make a bottle, feed another baby, change a tire, save the world. I'm pretty much amazing.

Therefore, I have made a decision. If I make it through this week without throwing a kid across a classroom (not likely at this point).. I'm rewarding myself this weekend. BIG TIME. With craziness, preferrably super drunk, Vegas style craziness. At this point I'm willing to settle for sober silly.. but Vegas crazy is what I'm shooting for. 2 more days, 2 more days, 2. more. days!

Brand new

Today is a new day. Yesterday's problems are gone, though not forgotten, and I'm determined to find something to be positive about. The fact that today is Wednesday, halfway through the week, is a good start. Also, tomorrow is Thursday.. payday and one day closer to Friday. I thought this week would be the hardest week of work by far, just because all of the days have been long hour days. Honestly, though, if I spend less time bitching and more time in a kind of spaced out, work mode.. before I realize it, the day is halfway over. The down side to that is when I realize the day is halfway over, I start to count down the hours and they seem to pass by a little slower. I've resolved to keep myself busy and avoid looking at the clock when possible. However, I have just failed at that and now know that my day is more than halfway over! 5.5 hours down, 4.5 to go. Then, I'm freeeee to do whatever I want. Within the boundaries of the law of course :)

I guess I'm actually in a pretty decent mood after all. I had a good little pep talk last night from someone who, surprisingly, never fails to make me feel better. I never thought I'd be close with this person but I'm happy, and feel extremely lucky, to have them in my life. Sometimes people can really surprise you I guess.

Although I meant surprise in a good way about that person, people can also surprise you in bad ways. Usually, the people closest to you. I'm really disappointed right now. I realize that people have busy schedules and life sometimes makes it difficult to stay connected on a regular basis. But I'm feeling really, really disconnected right now. What makes it worse is that I think it's more from a lack of concern than a busy schedule. But hey, people are assholes. Maybe this person should be permanently disconnected from my life. I try to be a good friend and do everything possible to always be there for my friends. Too much nice can bite you in the ass sometimes, though. Maybe this is life's way of telling me to stop bending over backwards for people who aren't worth it. Even if it's not.. I'm done.

Even though I'm super tired, I'm feeling really creative lately. I wish I could channel negative energy into just plain energy and get some of the ideas rolling around in my head going. Design is such a great outlet for my moodiness and, more often than not, I'm always happier when I feel like I've accomplished something.

I have hope for today :)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Never Again

Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try
But it's too late, it's over now

I am hurt. There's a part of me that's broken and I don't know how to fix it. I have these wonderful days, where life seems so perfect and I don't know how I could be happier. But right now, I just feel hurt. I would probably say I feel empty, except it's impossible to feel "empty" with all this pain inside of you.

So, this isn't entertaining. Far from it. But I didn't promise entertaining all the time, I promised real. This is as real as it gets. Real, deep, physically sickening, numbing pain.

The one person that I trusted, more than anything, to never make me feel this way.. the only person I ever let my guard down entirely with.. is the reason for this. What's worse is that I wish I could hate you and I can't. I am powerless against feeling anything but wanting, needing you. That, I hate. You, I wish with every fiber of my being that I could hate.

This will get better. It'll go away, I know. But right now it's real, it's tearing me into pieces. And even though I know I'll cry tonight.. then wake up tomorrow and already begin to move forward, right now I feel weak. I feel sick, I feel helpless, I feel pathetic. Never again.

Sadness has me at the end of the line
Helpless, watched you break this heart of mine
And loneliness only wants you back here with me
Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me

And all you had to do
Was apologize, and mean it

But you didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me.. again

Mood: FUCK. YOU.


Less than ten minutes after posting this.. I already feel better. I guess sometimes you just need to, finally, get things out. Music has a lot to do with it too.. this song fits a little better.

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It's just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

Updated Mood: Calm

Monday, February 14, 2011

What the..

I'm at a loss for words.

I really don't even know why I try with some people. I think it's time to seriously start evaluating some of the relationships, mainly "friend"ships, in my life. I've done way too much for my friends to be at this point right now.

I'll add more when I'm less pissed.

Two thumbs down? Turn it around!

Critics. Ugh. It seems that, no matter what you're doing, there will always be critics in your life. Even if you're doing something good. Someone will always find something to bitch about. Well, I have one thing to say: BITCH ON. You're not gonna slow this girl down, no sir :)

Lately I've been noticing a lot of changes in myself. The biggest one, and by far my favorite, is this newfound confidence and self assurance I have. Not that was ever really lacking confidence altogether, but combined with my increased "I don't care what you think, I'm gonna do what I want" attitude, I feel pretty badass right about now. I'm independent, fairly content, and making things happen for myself. I've come a long way in the last year.. and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm proud of myself. I think I might even pat myself on the back now. That felt good :)

The other night, for my inspiration board, I was looking for good quotes. And I found some pretty good ones:

"Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life? We are determined to be starved before we are hungry."

"It is true that I have had heartache and tragedy in my life. These are things none of us avoids. Suffering is the price of being alive."

"When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'"

I love quotes that really make you think. So, now, what I'm thinking is.. what is life all about? I guess the answer is different according to everyone. But this blog is about me :) So here's my answer..

To me, life is about joy. What do I mean by joy? Well, I have a very good, very smart friend that actually put into words exactly how I feel.. (Thank you, Amelia :) Hope you don't mind me using this!)

I've been happy before. I've known exactly what was making me happy, and the minute that the cause of my happiness went away, so did the feeling. This. This is different. Joy is not conditional. It's not a feeling. It's a state of being. It's peace. It's the knowledge of knowing that no matter what happens, you have amazing constants in your life that will not leave you or forsake you.

I agree completely, joy is not the same as being happy. For me, that's what life is about, finding joy, finding peace. I guess where and how you find that is different for everyone too. In my case.. I have found my joy, my peace, in finally being comfortable in my own skin. I can honestly say that I wake up every morning and I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be me, to have the things I do, and live the life I live. I have bad days and countless moments of imperfection. And I also have days where I exceed even my own expectations of myself and push myself to do better, be better.. and succeed. I am blessed.

I am perfectly imperfect. Unusually unusual. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, skinnier, more accomplished, braver, whatever.. than me. But there will never, in the whole world, be another me. No one can be the strong, stubborn, at times over-emotional, giving, loving, confident, over analyzing, flawed mess that is me.

To me, that's what life is about. Knowing who I am, loving who I am, finding joy.. in who I am. Please, critics, bitch on :)

Last chance thrift stores, I lay my soul to rest
I will always be second place at best

Mood: OVERjoyed :)
Listening to: Jon Black - This Is Not the Answer
(I don't know where else to find it, but I'm looking)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

You can't get lost if you don't know where you're going

I miss Charleston. It's strange how you can miss a place so much, but I really do. I miss the beaches, I miss downtown, I even miss the ridiculously rainy days. At the end of last year I was so excited to move back. I had it all planned out. How I would save money, when I would look for places.. it was gonna be great. Then life happened. Which was not so great. I'm still planning on moving back, eventually. But it's almost depressing to think that I should already be there. I guess everything happens for a reason, though. There has to still be something for me here.

I think I need something to keep me busy, well busy when I'm not busy. A new project. One that's not a boy for a change. I need something that makes me feel.. alive, as weird as it sounds. Ideas?

I've been thinking a lot about volunteering. The only thing I've been lacking is time. But with this (hopefully) new job I should have a little more time. Or at least be less stressed and tired all the time. Anyway, I think helping someone else would really end up helping me in a lot of ways.

I have way too much on my mind right now..

"Introducing Me"

I love this song. It's silly and catchy, it makes me smile. It also reminds me of someone now.. which makes me smile even more:

It's 4 a/m and I'm still awake (thank you, Captain Obvious). Oddly, I'm not very tired. I'm watching an old episode of The Hills. The episode where Lauren finally goes to Paris, meets a boy in a band, and rides around Paris at night on his motorcycle. In a ball gown, by the way. He drops her off in front of her hotel, blows her a kiss, winks, and then he's gone. Why can't I go to Paris, meet a hot guy, have a great night, and then say goodbye? Hello! MTV! I'm here and I'm ready for the world to watch my life unfold! Some girls just have all the luck.

I have decided that I hate mystery shows. Because the narrators always have creepy ass voices. I know bad things happen in the world. I can watch the most bloody, graphic movies over and over again. But those shows, where even the guy's voice sounds scary, I can't watch. Especially not alone, at 4 in the morning. I guess it's either infomercials or sleep. Or more blogging about the lack of craziness in my life.

I miss Vegas. I wanted to blog about it but, much like my "old life", I can't remember enough of it. I did find a message to my cousin, telling her about it:

We were just standing in the club, innocent & sweet.. minding our OWN business.. when this guy comes up to us in the club & says "you girls wanna come do shots with us in VIP?" Well, of course Heather Drunkpants does, so off we go. We end up drinking jack with a SMALL splash of coke, getting sufficiently FUCKED UP in about ten minutes. We finished the jack & then a bottle of vodka. Since the guys in RokVegas wouldn't even let us go to the bathroom alone we decided to venture our drunk asses down the casino & up the escalator to Coyote Ugly.

Making new friends at ROKVEGAS

On the way, we got distracted by cops in uniforms & HAD to get a picture with them. Then we were approached by people asking "did you guys just come from there (RokVegas)?" That is when I heard the Australian accent & fell in love before I even saw his face. 3 new friends + us went to Coyote Ugly, where we drank more.. then I proceeded to hold a pep rally in the bathroom" (in a stall by myself yelling "If you're as fucked up as me let me hear you say HELL YEAH".. people actually caught on & started yelling, "HELL YEAH!")

And new friends at Coyote Ugly

We stumbled back up the escalator to Coyote Ugly where, I think, I drank more. And finally left. I don't remember if the bar looked anything like the movie, because I don't remember anything about it except that the DJ Khaled song "All I Do Is Win" came on.. and I apparently made up a new dance that involved throwing my hands up in the air and shaking my boobs at people when he says, "Everytime I step up in the building, everybody hands go UP.. & they stay there"

More drinks at Coyote Ugly

I don't remember the cab ride TO Treasure Island (Australian aka Matt's hotel) Amanda projectile vomited into a trash can (& apparently on her own shoe) then passed out. I just remember standing at the edge of the bed, watching Amanda. I could tell by her face that she was about to be sick and didn't know what to do about it. She was sitting up, extremely straight, on the edge of the bed, with a trash can at her feet. And suddenly, without moving at all, she started to throw up. Not actually in the trash can but in the direction of the trash can. It was definitely not a funny moment, but for some reason I was so amused and remember thinking, "Aren't you even gonna TRY to make it in the can? At least lean over.."

(JUST FOR FUTURE REFERENCES.. if you even THINK you're going to be doing the walk of shame.. plan the exits out the night before) Since it wasn't our hotel, and we hadn't been there yet, we had no idea where the exits were. We had to walk THROUGH the freakin Treasure Island casino, looking for a way out, in our clothes from the night before (me with hair matted to my head like I hadn't showered in 3 days, still wearing heels) & catch a cab back to our hotel. Hungover cab rides in Vegas are horrible. We might as well have been riding a mechanical bull back to our hotel.

Safely back at our hotel: New York, New York

Eventually, we made it safely back to our hotel. Amanda decides to throw up some more (in a trash can.. right next to the door of the hotel. Luckily for her, these were tall trash cans and she didn't even have to bother leaning over). As this is happening, we're approached by a guy with an accent.. & the conversation went as follows:

Guy: What you doing?
Me: ...having a rough morning
Guy: You need to.. uhh.. call someone?
Me: No, this is our hotel, we're going to our room
Guy: I go with you
Me: Umm, no
Guy: You come to my room

We ended up just walking away and later coming to the conclusion that, based on our outfits from the night before, he probably thought we were hookers. What a proud moment. After finally making it back to our own room, Amanda throws up some more, we eat and sleep the rest of the day away. Somehow, I managed to not get sick one time in Vegas. Which makes no sense given how much I drank. Maybe Vegas has magical powers for my body/liver. Meaning only one thing.. I need to go back and SOON.

I know I'm growing up or whatever.. but I hope I don't ever get old. I hope I never forget how to be young and crazy. I hope I never stop having pep rallies in bathroom stalls. I need crazy in my life. I'm so good at it :)

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Crafty Kathy

If you're looking for an entertaining post, I'm gonna go ahead and warn you, this is not it. After the first paragraph it's pretty much directed at anyone on my level of nerd. My advice would be check back when you see a new post with a bitchy title.. or read on, but you've been warned :)

Today wasn't an extremely productive day. I got an invite to play "sloshball" and actually thought about it. Apparently it's like baseball. Except you buy a keg and you play with a wiffle ball. You run with your full cup of beer and have to finish it by the time you make it home. So, basically, it's nothing like baseball. Man, sometimes I love living in a college town. I didn't end up going though. Probably for the best. Tomorrow will also be 2 WEEKS SOBER for this kid and I'm not sure drunken running is anything I need to be remotely involved in. I have a mini adventure planned for tomorrow, so I figured I'd get some things done that I've been putting off.

I finally got around to making my "inspiration board". What is an inspiration board? Exactly what it sounds like. A board that you put newspaper clippings, pictures, ideas on.. really anything that, well, inspires you. When I first decided to do it, I figured I'd just buy a plain cork board and put up some motivational quotes and pictures of design ideas I wanted to try in my apartment. But when I actually got around to doing it, I decided I wanted to do it a little differently. Partly because I like to put my own twist on things and partly because I decided I'd put it in my bedroom and I wanted it to kinda double as art.

I was really excited when I found these:

It's still cork, but in squares instead of just a plain board. When I bought them I thought they were about an inch and a half thick. So I decided to buy 2 and put them side by side, then if I wanted more later I'd just buy more. Imagine my surprise when I opened the package to find that it wasn't just one piece, but 4 thin pieces of cork (even though it says, right on the FRONT of the package, 4 pack.. sometimes I think these blonde moments will never end..) Needless to say, I was pretty excited. Except that now I have 8 pieces and I really only want 4. Anyway, they even come with these little adhesive strips to put them up on the wall. All for like 6 bucks at Walmart! If you're a design/decorating nerd like me, you understand my excitement. I put some music on, sat down with a stack of magazines and some scissors, and went to work!

I decided to make each one for something different. One for work schedules, important reminders, and to-do lists, one for design ideas and new things I wanna try, another for quotes, sayings, and books I'd like to read, and the last one for random sketches and ideas. I realize I'm easily amused, but I 'm really excited that I started this. Hopefully it'll lead to more productive free time. It's also good that it's in my bedroom since I'm still looking for pieces of bedroom furniture/art. I can put pictures up, next to the paint color on my wall, and decide over a few days if I think something will look good in my room. I'm not totally done yet but they're up and it's a start :)

I didn't make any progress in the "crazy" department today. But I did accomplish something I've been wanting to do and manage to entertain myself for a while. Besides, there's always tonight for crazy :)


I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
And you can take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all the Who's Who's and So-and-So's
That used to be the best at such and such
It wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an "Atta boy" or "Atta girl"
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy

(Legacy by Nichole Nordeman)

I love this song. Especially this particular part. Because this is really how I feel right now. For such a long time I based my life plan on what everyone around me happened to be doing with theirs. Now I'm just living my life for ME. I still have a million things I want to do with my life, and I have no doubt that I'll do them all, but I don't wanna just work to get there.. I wanna really live too while I'm on my way to all my goals, hopes, and dreams.

I think everyone, in some way, desires to be something great. I don't really care if I'm rich and famous, or everyone in the world knows my name. But I want to be remembered by the people close to me as someone who changed their lives for the better. I don't want to just work everyday for money and material things. I want my efforts to really go toward helping people, making life better for others. There are very few people that I've ever talked to, in great detail, about my plans for the future. One of those plans involves disabled children. More specifically a charity, or organization, dedicated to raising awareness and money for research and new technology to make their lives easier, happier, and healthier.

I was very close to someone who, after a car accident, is now paralyzed. He does everything possible to live a totally normal life and, for the most part, I think he does. Even though I spent a lot of time with him and saw who he was, as a person, instead of a person in a wheelchair.. there were moments when I was completely in awe of him. He wasn't just determined, to have a normal life and be happy, but he was a strong person. He didn't have self pity and feel bad about his situation. He took it for what it was and decided that life goes on. As someone who didn't always look at the "bright side" of things, he was an inspiration to me. At times, it was frustrating even to be around because it puts things in perspective and almost makes you feel guilty for focusing so much on your "problems". But I feel blessed to have had that influence in my life because now instead of immediately seeing the negative side to things, I focus much more on the positive, and how lucky I am to lead a happy, healthy life, regardless of anything else. I used to, and still do, admire him in so many ways. Mostly because, then, I didn't know how it felt to be a strong person. I never stopped to look at the bigger picture and realize that, yes, terrible things can happen but life will still go on. I had been through much less difficult situations before and thought to myself, "Why me? God, why can't you just help me.. this hurts and I don't wanna live anymore"

That's the thing about difficult situations. They can make you feel completely broken, helpless, and defeated. Or.. you can choose to not get discouraged. You can come to the realization that something awful has happened to you but that there is still so much more worth living for. Which is why I want to help those children. If someone could accidentally put things in perspective that way for me, imagine what intentional acts of reassurance and positivity could do for those kids. If someone, even just one person, in their lives can keep reassuring them that there is something to live for, that they can still make their dreams come true, regardless of their situations, and make them happy.. that would be my legacy.

Earth to Heather..

Wow. I had the most intense dream. It was one of those dreams that just felt SO real. It involved a very long, very nice phone call with my ex (of course that was a dream) and I finally got very real with someone in my life that I've been secretly harboring some negative feelings about. The down side to the dream feeling so real is that when I woke up, after fighting with this person in my dream and FINALLY telling them off, I was REALLY pissed at this person. It took me a few minutes to realize that it didn't really happen. I'm not a huge "sign" person.. but this time I think I might consider the possibility of this meaning I need to have a talk with this person. At least so I feel a little better.

After finally calming down and not wanting to kill them.. I just randomly decided to check my horoscope. To me, they're kinda like fortune cookies. I don't really expect anything in them to actually happen, but I kinda like seeing how close they are to my life at the moment. Sometimes it's scary, like today:

For a while now, you've wanted to change something about your lifestyle or behavior toward the people you love, Aries. You want your life to go in a new direction, but you don't want to upset the people around you. Maybe your friends and family want the same thing for you. Do away with your preconceived notions about things and let yourself go with this idea.

This could not be more dead on. Another "sign" maybe? This is too much to think about within the first 15 minutes of being awake.

Speaking of being awake, I'm a little bummed that I'm awake before 2 p/m on a weekend. I hate being a grown up! When I was a teenager, I could sleep til 4 in the afternoon.. where have those days gone?! It probably has something to do with the fact that I was asleep before 11:30 last night like a total loser. But I was exhausted. I sure hope my life picks up in the crazy, "how am I even still functioning with all the madness going on right now?" way.. & soon!

So I'm awake. I blame the stupid bird outside my window that just kept cawing relentlessly. I kept rolling over, thinking, "shut up!" and he just kept on. When I finally reached the point of not being able to go back to sleep, he stopped. Figures. It's like he was saying, "You're awake. I win, bitch" I hate birds.

I think I'll go on an adventure today. I'm not sure where. But I need to do something other than work, laundry, clean, study, complain. I used to LOVE just waking up in the morning, packing a bag and taking off somewhere for the day. Even just thinking about it makes me smile.. awesome mood, here I come :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Strip me

Today was going so great. I had to be at work at 7:30, on only 3 hours of sleep, but I only had to work 3.5 hours at the annoying job. Then off to the fun job (a month ago, I never would have IMAGINED I'd be calling it "fun" or preferring it over anything else) It probably helped that I was drinking mountain dew like a crack addict all morning. For whatever reason, my spirits were high this morning and I was finally in a normal, bubbly, happy mood.

Then I called the annoying job to get my work schedule for next week. I was pretty excited to find out I got Monday off.. until I heard that I had to work 10 hours everyday for the rest of the week. For some reason, I just lost my shit. Probably because I've been sick, running on 3 hours of sleep, coming down off a mtn dew high, and the thought of how exhausted I'm gonna be next week is already making me wanna pull my flippin hair out. I'm probably being a tad dramatic. At the same time, I don't think anyone really realizes that 10 hours at this job is not the same as 10 hours at a normal job. If I had even the option to take an hour break and escape, it might be different. But I don't. Therefore, it sucks.

But what-the-hell-EVER. It's Friday and I'm gonna sleep myself stupid this weekend. I hope.

I heard this song last night and somehow it just seemed relevant to my life. Even if it's not, I like it. If you don't.. I don't care :)

Happy Friday!

Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little awards
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things I don’t need
That’s like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
Ill be alright
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

I dont need a microphone
To say what I been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
Thats always on eleven
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away

If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
I’m still the same
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

Cuz when it all boils down
At the end of the day
Its what you do and say
That makes you who you are
Makes you think about,
Think about it
Doesn’t it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

Mood: ThankGodThisWeekIsOVER
Listening to: Strip Me - Natasha Bedingfield

Thursday, February 10, 2011

If you ever loved somebody, put ya hands up..

I can't believe I'm about to compare my life to Jersey Shore. New low? If you're not familiar with the show you probably won't know what I'm talking about. You also won't know how low my new low is.. which is good for me, I guess.

In this particular episode, Sam & Ronnie get in a fight (big shocker there) and she decides to leave the house. And he says, "you're just gonna walk away from all of this?"

For some reason, this reminded me of my ex. Normally, I despise things that remind me of him. Except this was like one of those moments where you're watching someone else go through something that you went through and you want so badly to say, "I was where you're at.. look at me! I survived, I got over it.. you can too!"

He even put me in the same situation. He hurt me, then made ME feel like the bad guy for "walking away". Even said almost the same thing, "So, you're just gonna leave?" which turned into a fight, as always. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I wish I would have said this:

"Yes, I am going to leave. I am going to take my things, wish you well, and walk out of that door. Knowing that I did everything possible to make things right with you. I have tried time and time again to "fix" things, to make you happy, to become who you want me to be instead of who I really am. I am done trying, I am leaving, because YOU are toxic to me, to my life. Goodbye.."

I didn't say that though. I tried to "fix" things again. I let him break me down a little more, allowed him to blame everything on me. Yeah, I guess it WAS my fault you cheated on me. Cuz if I was "there" for you, you never would have turned to someone else. Maybe if you had been "there" for me.. I would have felt more compelled to do the same. I get that it's in the past now. But sometimes those "things I never said" really get to me. Maybe that's why, instead of silently taking the blame for anything now, I'm defensive and fight to be heard. Cuz I've always had to.

I realize I'm not great with feelings. There's a reason for that. But I'm dealing with it. Granted, alcohol and breaking hearts might not have been the best form of "dealing" but it worked at the time. Lately I've just felt so much more at peace with everything, feelings included. I have this dark-cloud-over-my-head feeling that shit's about to get messy in the feelings department. Great.

Aside from my little random self realizations.. tonight was pretty great. I'm not gonna blog about it because I wouldn't know where to start. But I will blog about the dumbest conversation I've had (this week) with my best friend:

"So, I don't know why it bothers me.. but he 'poked' me on facebook. And he's poking other girls too! And, like, they're not even hot girls. I'm not going around poking tons of people. If you're gonna poke other bitches, they at least need to be hot. It's just annoying"

"Ohh.. facebook drama"

..and then a bunch of random talking about 'poking' people and how annoying it is to get in 'poking wars' with them. I wonder if 'poking' or facebook are gonna be around when I have kids. I bet one day I'll be telling them, "Well, one day, daddy poked mommy on facebook and then.."

Smh. I need sleep. Weekend = more eventful posts, promise :)

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Theory of a Deadman - Not Meant to Be (Only cuz it's on the radio, I swear I'm not being depressing right now!)

Is this real life?

Ohhh my gosh! Second day of working 10 hours with no break.. is it really only Tuesday? Short day tomorrow and I. CAN'T. WAIT!

On an extremely happy note.. I MIGHT be getting another job again. I know, I just got this one.. but I'll be making WAY more money, working less hours, and NO BABIES. What whaaaat! Much, much thanks to Amanda, my hero of the week!

Today wasn't terrible but that news definitely put me in a better mood. I actually managed to get a little sleep last night so today didn't seem to last forever. Well, yeah it did.. but at least I wasn't practically falling asleep all day. I'll probably be up all night tonight since I slept so much. I also kinda don't care if I'm tired tomorrow since I only work like 4.5 hours at one job, then drive to another one (which I can totally do nothing at) and actually have a calm day. I'm still sick but I'm happy so I don't even care.

I'm thinking about adding videos to my blog. When my life actually gets interesting again, obviously.

So, obviously that was on Tuesday. What a shittastic couple of days this has been. On Tuesday night, I got sick. VERY sick. Luckily, I have a great mom (who drives me ABSOLUTELY insane) that realizes what a huge baby I turn into when I'm sick. After throwing up for 2 hours and me passing out on the bathroom floor, she drove an hour to come take care of me. After 6 more hours of throwing up, we chalked it up to food poisoning and suffered through the next day.

I haven't been to work in 2 days, which has been nice but also kinda sucks. I'm dreading going in tomorrow. Especially since I think I'll have to tell my boss I got another job. This has been a rough week, I'm so glad it's almost over. Jersey shore tonight with the crew, I need this :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I am officially sick. Probably food poisoning. Feels more like dying a slow, painful death. Ugh.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I get a little bit stronger

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

I should be asleep. Since I have to be up in less than 5 hours and I'm STILL sick. As usual, when I need to sleep, I can't. There are worse problems to have I guess..

This weekend was pretty great. Nothing crazy happened. Which is, I think, what made it so nice for a change. Aside from being sick, I've been in a kinda blah mood lately. Probably due to extreme stress and lack of sleep. It was nice to have down time without worrying about being somewhere in 5 minutes or making someone happy.

Saturday the weather wasn't great so I went shopping then to dinner and a movie with my best friend. It was calm (somewhat.. aside from the random outbursts of laughter and "retard dances" because we're idiots) and totally drama free. After, we watched another movie at home. I made a good choice regarding a stupid guy, we had a nice pep talk, I blogged and finally passed out around 4 a/m. And today, Sunday, I spent time with my family and watched football. Even though this weekend was relaxing and I finally got a little rest.. I'm STILL not ready for Monday :( I don't know that I'll EVER be ready for a Monday.

I think my last post was very therapeutic for me. I needed to get that out. Even just reading it again makes me feel better. I don't have a perfect plan for my life. I'm not on the fast track to success. But I'm happy. I'm making the most of right now. And that makes me smile. That's really all I ever want for myself, happiness and to make the most of everyday. Sick, tired, stressed.. I'm still pretty happy right now :)

Mood: Content
(But if I was listening to a song.. it would be:

-Okay, I lied. Now I'm listening to that song. And thennn.. sleep :)


I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. About my goals, plans for my life. And he said, "I didn't realize you had your shit together and planned out like that" Yeah, most people don't know that about me. I guess because most people don't really "know" me.

I'm not really on the same path as most people my age, as most of my friends. Looking back, I never really was. I've always been one to do things my own way and figure things out for myself. Trial and error, rather than learning from someone else's mistakes.

I'm not in school right now. Not because I'm stupid or because I'm a slacker. Because, honestly, I don't see the point in wasting the time or money when my heart just isn't in it. When I was in art school in SC, I threw myself into it. It was what I wanted to do, it was my passion, something I loved. And I did great. I don't feel that right now. I WANT to throw myself entirely into school and my career.. someday. Right now, I wanna be young and live my life. I still think education is important. And eventually, I'll get done with school when the time is right for ME.

That doesn't mean I'm not still learning. Education is important.. but so is experience. I'm learning what it means to struggle. Which, luckily, I have never had to do before. What have I learned about struggling, about barely getting by? IT. SUCKS. Plain and simple. But it's worth it. Because that feeling of knowing that I can support myself and stand on my own two feet.. you can't learn that in a classroom. I learn something new every single day. So, even if I'm not in school, I'm officially taking "Life Lessons 101"

As much as I hate bringing him into my life now.. this post reminds me of a conversation, one of the last, that I had with my ex. He told me that I was "too independent" and no one would ever want me because of it. That no one wanted to be with someone who didn't need them. For a while, I believed him. Until I realized what I wanted in someone. I don't want someone who NEEDS to be with me.. I want someone who WANTS to be with me, who chooses me over everyone else. Not someone who needs me for emotional, financial, or any other kind of support. Someone who simply chooses to love me because of who I am. I also learned that there are people, like him, that need to be needed. His problem with me wasn't that I was "too independent". It was that he wanted a doormat, which I most definitely am not. Your loss, buddy.

Yes, I am independent. I have never thought of that as a bad thing and probably never will. I have had an EXTREMELY blessed life. I've been spoiled beyond belief and given/experienced more than most people could even imagine. And I'm so grateful for it. But I wanted, and needed, to know how it felt to do things for myself. Now I'm figuring that out one day at a time. Truth? It's hard. Sometimes REALLY hard. At times, I've had more money than I knew what to do with. I've also been so broke that I lived off of ramen noodles for an entire week. I always thought "broke college kid" was kind of an empty stereotype. Everyone joked about being broke and barely making ends meet but it never really happened, not to me or my friends. Hello, wake up call. It happens.

Even though it's been a long process, I'm learning to balance being young and being responsible. Yeah, I've spent a ton of money partying and hanging out with my friends. But I've made amazing memories and had awesome times with wonderful people. I can never get these years back. One day when I'm married, with kids, an SUV, and the white picket fence.. I won't think, "I shouldn't have wasted all that money when I was younger" I will think, "Thank God I LIVED. Thank God I was young and stupid. Thank God I had to struggle.. because now I so appreciate everything I have"

I'm on my own path. I still have hopes, goals, dreams. I'm just enjoying getting there. I'm living in the moment, this moment.. that, I fear, will pass by way too quickly.

Totally unrelated.. I have officially ended things with "K". If you can call it ending when it never really started. Anyway, it's over. I realized that I want something more. I deserve something more. I want someone in my life that I care about, who cares about me. Not someone that makes me their entire life, but that shares my life with me and appreciates who I am.. flaws and all. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. But I'm never gonna be ready as long as I'm wasting energy on losers that aren't worth it. Especially when we both know it's not going anywhere. Maybe it'll suck not having someone to come over at 2 a/m, even just to sleep next to me. But I think I need to be lonely. I need to miss having someone. Then, when I'm ready and that person does come along, I'll appreciate what I have so much more.

I think I might be growing up. Not gonna lie, it kinda scares the shit out of me. But I'm happy. I'm not holding anything back, I'm not missing out on anything. I'm waking up, most days, looking forward to what's next for me. I'm moving on, excited for something new.. this is gonna be good :)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Pick up the pieces

Once, I got in a fight with an ex. Because I didn't trust him. I lost my temper and, in my fit of anger, threw a picture frame on the ground. Of course, it broke and glass went everywhere. We went into the next room, talked, and I eventually calmed down. A few minutes later I went back into the room and started to pick up the pictures and pieces of glass. But I just started crying all over again. I told him, "I feel like this is us. It's broken. This will never be a picture frame again. We will never be "us" ever again" Sure, there were still pictures and there was still glass. But it was changed forever.

Sometimes relationships are like that. For whatever reason, they change, and they're never quite the same again. This can be good, or bad. The good usually comes as a result of one or both people growing up. And when it's bad.. it's really bad.

And sometimes people can just change on their own. I'm not sure when it happened, or why.. maybe it is just growing up, but I've changed. Today I completely broke down. And I let everything out. I was mad, sad, confused.. and it was no secret. A year ago, I would have never done that. I had feelings, sure. But they were bottled up so deep inside that by the time they finally came out, usually in a huge explosion, even I didn't know how to make sense of them. I used to think of that as a sign of weakness. Now I realize I was wrong. It's not weak to struggle, to get hurt, or to fail. It's weak to never try. It's weak to give up, to walk away when you've still got fight in you.

Sometimes things break and they can't be fixed. But I'm starting to realize that I'm not broken. Not even on my hardest days.. I might be a little cracked but I'm not broken yet. I can still be fixed, I can still keep going.

I started this blog for myself. Then it became kinda humorous and entertaining for my friends. But it really is about me and my life. How I'm constantly growing, learning, trying, and failing. Whether it's happy, sad, depressing, or just plain boring.. it's real. This is me, who I am. I am silly, moody, crazy, funny, weird. I'm struggling, but I'm still trying. I'm taking life as it comes at me, one day at a time.

It's messy, scary.. and absolutely beautiful.

Morning comes and life moves on

Mood: Peaceful
Listening to: Goo Goo Dolls - Not Broken

Fill me up

I just realized that I have yet to post about my one, true love.. music. Music is the one constant in my life. The only thing that's every REALLY always been there for me. Making me cry, making me smile, making me live.

Back in the day, when MySpace was the big thing, they had MySpace blogs. At the end you could type in your mood and what music you were listening to/book you were reading. I wish this blog had that. Music can be so influential on your mood. I think I'll include it anyway :) (Lucky you, 8 followers!)

I'm addicted to this show "Teen Mom". If you're not familiar with it, it started from the show "16 and Pregant". Basically following the lives of girls in high school who are pregnant and still dealing with the everyday drama of teen life too. It's annoying, dramatic, and totally addicting. Now we're on season 2 of the orginal show "Teen Mom". The annoying part is that these girls are soooo stupid. Especially Jenelle. She parties all the time, has lost custody of her baby to her own mother, and doesn't seem to care that she's just screwing up her life. How smart is this kid? Well, here we go: "I'm not hungover. I'm tired, I have a headache, I feel like I'm gonna throw up" Hey, stupid bitch, you're hungover! I can't imagine having a kid right now, much less at 16. But I'd still do any and everything possible to be the best mom ever if I was in that situation. I don't even know this girl and I have zero respect for her.

Got my work schedule for this week coming up and it looks like things aren't slowing down anytime soon. That's okay, I can do this. Hard times? BRING IT! I'm gonna be tired, moody, busy and probably not my usual happy self for another week or so. But eventually it WILL be worth it. Eye on the prize. I'm makin things happen! :)

"Keep on going & chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something while sitting down."

This post has been an all day process. To avoid numerous posts in one day I've just been typing here and there as thoughts enter my mind. I've erased a lot of them because they're mostly random thoughts and really don't entertain anyone but me. It's interesting to me (and probably only to me cuz I'm the only one who knows) how the mood has changed several times in one post depending on what time of the day it is, what I'm doing or what's just happened.

Current mood: Defeat. Or whatever mood comes right before defeat. But basically I'm borderline there so..

For whatever reason, my new bosses decided not to pay me yesterday. Instead, they'd let all the hours from this week go on the next check, making it a little more. Which is fine, except the next check is the week after next and Heather has rent due. Shit. At least I have a check from my other job, even though it's not much. I guess it's back to ramen after all..

Being a little less than pleased about my financial situation, imagine my surprise when I log into my bank account and find that I've overdrawn. Luckily, I'm overdraft protected by my mom's account. Good news, right? WRONG. I don't have to pay overdraft fees to the bank, but I now have to pay the money back to my mother. Which is almost worse. Scratch that, IS worse. I guess when she said I was "cut off" she actually meant it this time. And it doesn't make her heart warm and fuzzy to know that, not only have I overdrawn my acct, I'm getting money from her account. What really annoys me is that it's not even MY fault that I overdrew. Not directly anyway.. but bitching about it won't change anything. So, goodbye paycheck. Hello, ramen.

After a mini meltdown in the bathroom at work and a pep talk, I'm fine. Just breathe, sometimes life sucks. There are thousands, maybe millions, of people who have it SO much worse than I do. Suck it up.

On that note, I'm so glad it's finally the weekend. I've been looking forward to, and SO needed, this weekend since.. well last weekend. I'm ready for "me" time. I'm ready to turn my phone off, forget about facebook, curl up in my bed and watch movies all day. Maybe even all night too. Crazy weekend? No. Necessary for my sanity? Oh yes.

Thank you, God, for music..

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe
that you still have a reason to sing
Cuz the pain you've been feeling
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling
it's just the dark before the morning

Current Mood: Hopeful
Listening to: Josh Wilson - Before the Morning

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Space Between

"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay.. and everything's going right"

Worked 10 hours today with no break. Then came home and passed out for like 2 hours, even though I was supposed to work more. I'm officially exhausted :( and I'm supposed to be at "tee shirt tiiiime" right now but I'm not sure my body will let me move more than necessary at the current moment. So.. tired..

On a happy note, tomorrow is Friday! However, instead of that meaning "PARTY!" it's now going to mean "Pillow!" I am so looking forward to some quality time with my bed this weekend. Being boring never felt so good.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The grass isn't always greener. Sometimes it's dead..

Had an interesting conversation with a friend today about "settling". I've kinda been interested in this guy. Now I'm starting to think I built him up a little too much. Not only do I think he's a bit of a player (which would be fine usually.. but for some reason it bothers me this time) but I also think he's just kinda weird. And not good weird. Having liquor goggles while sober, are we? I realize, though, that everyone is a little weird in their own way. I'm sure he's a great guy, just not the guy for me. In an effort to avoid awkwardness, I'll probably just avoid him and hope he can take a hint. Bitch move? Whatever.

So I found this quote today.. actually, I've heard it before but it just seemed so much more personal this time.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

This describes me so perfectly (except maybe the falling in love fast part.. but especially "without measuring risks") it's scary. I think I like the idea of people sometimes, more than I actually like them, which causes me to make excuses for them and my feelings towards them. This is something I'm gonna have to work on as part of this new "feelings" thing I'm doing. Still weird. I got some great advice today that I'm gonna follow:

(I should probably give a little background so this makes sense.. at the time, my friend was in public and couldn't say what she really wanted to say. So, she substituted "have sex/had sex/having sex" with the words "color/colored/coloring" throughout the whole conversation. Weird, I know. That's how we roll..)

"I usually like to compare guys to shopping. If you see something in the store, and don't see yourself wearing it.. you shouldn't buy it. Cuz you're NEVER gonna wear it. If you meet a guy and don't immediately want to "color" with him, or go to the movies with him, leave him alone. Cuz you're never gonna wanna "color" with him"

Makes sense. Although I don't typically wanna "color" with someone upon meeting them.. I get where she was going with it. If you don't think you'll want something a week from now, you probably don't really want it right now either. She also compared guys to shopping in another way:

"I look at it this way.. I'm not at a store where I have to pick one guy there. I can go to Target, or Walmart, or the mall.. and look for guys there too. If I don't find what I want at one place, I can keep looking until I find what I do want"

It worries me a little that she compares everything to shopping and scares me how much sense she makes at the same time. But I guess that's what I've been doing. I've, subconsciously, been settling for things from one store.. instead of looking for what I really want somewhere else. (Although I haven't really been looking) So, I guess that's what I'm doing now. Not shopping to buy (looking to find someone) but window shopping just to figure out what I want. I wish everything was like shopping. Shopping makes so much more sense than life.

"Safe drinking, bitch"

I am so easily distracted. For the last 30 minutes, instead of working, I've been viewing my "See Friendship" with people on fb. It's way more entertaining than work and made me laugh. Which got me in trouble, but whatever. For the moment, I'm happy.

I laughed especially hard about one night in particular. I think this night started with me in my pajamas, almost asleep.. and resulted in:

Yes, that is a bicycle helmet.

I'm not really sure what happened that night that led to me finding and wearing this helmet.. I just (barely) remember how it ended.

At the time, a friend of mine worked at a gas station from 11 p/m to 7 a/m Aaaaand instead of just calling or texting her, drunk me wanted to go say hi in person. Somehow, I talked my friend into driving me there, at 3 a/m, while wearing a bicycle helmet. When we first got there I was SO freaked out and scared that I'd get arrested for drunk driving, even though I wasn't driving, because there were cops there. After being reassured that I wasn't gonna go to jail, I ran inside like a fool to see my friend. We talked for a few minutes then I got distracted and starting wandering around. This is when I ran into a cop, who asked, "why are you wearing a bike helmet?" To which my response was, "I'm practicing safe drinking.. BITCH" This was apparently not as funny to the cop as it was to me.. so I just laughed and walked off. How have I never been arrested for being drunk in public?

After that, I guess I realized I was hungry. Because I proceeded to buy $24 worth of gas station food. Peanut butter, cookies, beef jerky, macaroni & cheese, and cupcakes. Apparently I also tried to buy a lime and a map. The next day, I woke up and found all these things on the counter in my kitchen. With my usual "oh shit" thought.. I realized what I'd done. I then texted my friend, "I bought $20 worth of gas station food" thinking she'd make me feel better about the situation. Her response was, "I tried to stop you, but you threw beef jerky and a lime up and said, 'ring me up bitch'.." At least she stopped me from buying the lime.

This post was so pointless.

Can I get a break, with extra happy on the side?

Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. Forcing myself to be happy is proving to be harder than I planned. Luckily, my exhaustion has pushed me into a state of numbness and I'm not happy or sad. Just blah. There are much worse places to be.

It doesn't help my mood that I thought I was saving money. But I've had to pay for classes and things for work. After rent and bills, I'm sure my bank account is coming out to about.. $3. Sweet. Thankfully I get paid tomorrow and Friday. No more ramen noodles for a while! :)

I wish it wasn't gross outside. I love the rain when I'm trying to sleep, or can just lay around like a bum all day. When I'm trying to function and have a productive day, not so much. The rain also makes the plants in front of my apartment smell like wet dog. It's pretty disgusting.

I am now at job #2, pigging out on Mexican food, thinking of happy stories to post about later. Happy Wednesday :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

If you're happy and you know it..

I have made a decision. To.. be.. happy. Regardless of all the negative things/people around me. Even if I'm having a terrible day. The hardest part of being happy is deciding to do it. So, I'm happy. Now I just repeat the following to myself throughout the day: "If you're mad, shut the hell up. If you're annoyed, leave whatever (usually whoever) is annoying you alone. If you're tired, it's your own fault.. shut the hell up. If you're hungry, eat. If you're sad, definitely shut the hell up." I'm bullying myself into being happy. We'll see how long it takes for the inevitable nervous breakdown to happen..

Speaking of happy.. I got an interesting phone call today. Definitely unexpected, as well as the feelings it brought on. Yes, I said it, feelings. Apparently I'm having those now? Weird thing is.. they're not so bad :) Although I'm still extremely tired (shut the hell up) and still, just a tiny bit, feeling that "head barely above water" feeling.. my week has turned around. Funny how it really is all about the small things sometimes.

I think my better mood also has something to do with the lack of guy drama in my life. I kept expecting that things with "Dear Stupid" would get messy and eventually just be a total disaster. But, as it turns out, ignoring people and their feelings is a lot easier than it seems. Bad karma for me? Or his karma finally catching up to him? As little as I care about him, I actually would like to know what's going on in his mind and what he thinks is going on here. He's either very indifferent, like me, or just REALLY stupid. I'm going with the latter. This is how our last conversation went:

Stupid: "What are you doing?"
H: "Studying, about to go to bed"
Stupid: "Come see me"
H: "Can't. Studying."
Stupid: "Can I come see you?"
H: "I'm busy.."
Stupid: "Later?"
H: "You can come over here and sleep.. but let's not talk"

Appaaaarently that's mean? I prefer to think of it as honest. Seriously, man up. It's okay to miss someone, like someone, want to spend time with someone. It is NOT okay to not be able to take a hint and realize when someone doesn't miss you, like you, want to spend time with you back. Silly boys.

I'm pretty sure that 97% of the guys I know think I hate all males. The other 3% are either gay or don't care. That's not really the case. Emphasis on the really. I don't "hate" anyone. I just really dislike idiots and most guys I've met are, in fact, idiots. Sometimes they're funny and I don't mind hilarious stupidity. Mostly they're just clingy and emotional. Which is fine if you're the girl that needs a guy around 24/7. I don't. If I'm with someone, it's because I WANT to be with that person not because I need to be. So, no, I do not hate all guys. I'm annoyed with the stupid ones and I like the ones who treat me like a human being, not a brainless, piece of ass. And apparently I date the ones who are crazy. Glad I got that cleared up.

Tomorrow is gonna be a good day :)