Thursday, February 10, 2011

If you ever loved somebody, put ya hands up..

I can't believe I'm about to compare my life to Jersey Shore. New low? If you're not familiar with the show you probably won't know what I'm talking about. You also won't know how low my new low is.. which is good for me, I guess.

In this particular episode, Sam & Ronnie get in a fight (big shocker there) and she decides to leave the house. And he says, "you're just gonna walk away from all of this?"

For some reason, this reminded me of my ex. Normally, I despise things that remind me of him. Except this was like one of those moments where you're watching someone else go through something that you went through and you want so badly to say, "I was where you're at.. look at me! I survived, I got over it.. you can too!"

He even put me in the same situation. He hurt me, then made ME feel like the bad guy for "walking away". Even said almost the same thing, "So, you're just gonna leave?" which turned into a fight, as always. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I wish I would have said this:

"Yes, I am going to leave. I am going to take my things, wish you well, and walk out of that door. Knowing that I did everything possible to make things right with you. I have tried time and time again to "fix" things, to make you happy, to become who you want me to be instead of who I really am. I am done trying, I am leaving, because YOU are toxic to me, to my life. Goodbye.."

I didn't say that though. I tried to "fix" things again. I let him break me down a little more, allowed him to blame everything on me. Yeah, I guess it WAS my fault you cheated on me. Cuz if I was "there" for you, you never would have turned to someone else. Maybe if you had been "there" for me.. I would have felt more compelled to do the same. I get that it's in the past now. But sometimes those "things I never said" really get to me. Maybe that's why, instead of silently taking the blame for anything now, I'm defensive and fight to be heard. Cuz I've always had to.

I realize I'm not great with feelings. There's a reason for that. But I'm dealing with it. Granted, alcohol and breaking hearts might not have been the best form of "dealing" but it worked at the time. Lately I've just felt so much more at peace with everything, feelings included. I have this dark-cloud-over-my-head feeling that shit's about to get messy in the feelings department. Great.

Aside from my little random self realizations.. tonight was pretty great. I'm not gonna blog about it because I wouldn't know where to start. But I will blog about the dumbest conversation I've had (this week) with my best friend:

"So, I don't know why it bothers me.. but he 'poked' me on facebook. And he's poking other girls too! And, like, they're not even hot girls. I'm not going around poking tons of people. If you're gonna poke other bitches, they at least need to be hot. It's just annoying"

"Ohh.. facebook drama"

..and then a bunch of random talking about 'poking' people and how annoying it is to get in 'poking wars' with them. I wonder if 'poking' or facebook are gonna be around when I have kids. I bet one day I'll be telling them, "Well, one day, daddy poked mommy on facebook and then.."

Smh. I need sleep. Weekend = more eventful posts, promise :)

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Theory of a Deadman - Not Meant to Be (Only cuz it's on the radio, I swear I'm not being depressing right now!)

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