Monday, January 31, 2011

Just keep swimming

I can't believe it's STILL January. Yes, I realize it's the last day.. so technically I can't believe that it's ONLY February. I guess last year went by so fast that I expect time to fly by this year too. It's been a pretty interesting year so far.. hopefully it keeps getting better :)

Today wasn't extremely exciting. I've tried all day long not to blog because apparently I'm addicted (Thanks for that Andrew) but today was just one of those days. Started the new job, which leads me to..


I wanted a second job so I'd be making more money. And a little so I'd have less time on my hands to get in trouble. Epic fail. Not only do I now have this job, I have classes and tests to take too. And I have a feeling the job itself is about to get pretty stressful. If I get sick anytime soon, I'm screwed. I have to keep reminding myself to be more positive.. "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

Luckily I had a short day and came home thinking I was gonna sleep since I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night and barely made it through the 6 hours I was awake. But, me being me, I had a random burst of OCD energy. I decided I wanted to vacuum. That turned into taking the vacuum apart and cleaning it. Which turned into cleaning my room, re-organizing my closet.. and doing all the laundry in my house. I'm the weirdest person I know.

I had HUGE plans for this year. January specifically. And then some things came up and I had to push my plans a little further back. Now it's starting to look like moving to Charleston and having a super fun summer at the beach might not happen. Which really sucks.. but I'm staying positive. I can still pull this off. I'm just gonna have to work/live in zombie mode for the next 2 months. Noooo big deal!

This will be good for me. I won't have time to kill brain cells with four loko so maybe I'll learn something new! When I was 18, just going out on my own for the first time, I thought I'd be at a TOTALLY different place in my life right now. Not that I regret anything.. as crazy as the last couple of years have been, they've been pretty great too. But it's time to start getting my shit at least halfway together. One day at a time. Heeeeere we go..

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lost for you, I'm so lost for you

Whyyy can't I sleep right now? I know why.. but admitting it, even to myself, makes me feel so stupid. I'll just pointlessly ramble. I'm good at that.

I'm annoyed that I can't sleep.. because I'm beyond exhausted. Physically, emotionally, any possible way that you can be exhausted.. I'm there. I'm also completely indifferent to everything right now. I'm typically a happy person. Yes, I have moments of "fuck it all" and times when I'd rather just bury myself in my bed and wallow in self pity. But something I've learned about myself is that, somehow, I am strongest when I should be the weakest. Those moments when everything is the worst it could possibly be.. I find a way to smile, suck it up and get through it. Sometimes I'm so happy it disgusts me.

But right now is not one of those moments. Probably because the world isn't crashing down around me, I'm just tired and moody. Very moody. I'm stuck in between "I don't care what anyone thinks" and "I don't understand why they think that about me"

I know that I don't put the best image of myself out there. Most of my facebook statuses pertain to drinking, partying, or something related to being young and stupid. Sure, I like to party. That's a part of who I am. A small, inconsequential part of me. It doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic or a whore.. or any of these other things I get labeled as. It means I like to have fun with my friends. It means I'm enjoying being 21 years old and, FINALLY, having the freedom to be who I want and do what I feel. Yes, I like to party. There's just so much more to me than that. And is it wrong to be pissed cuz people don't bother getting to know the rest of me.. at least before they judge me? Cuz I'm pissed.

I have faults, I am human. I make mistakes every single day. I try and fail. I am so far from perfect. But I'm a good person. I would do anything for the people I love.. I HAVE done things for people I can barely stand. Because as much as it annoys me, I hate being an asshole. I will forgive and forget.. over and over and over.. because I want to see the best in everyone. I wanna believe that people can change, that maybe there's good in everybody. Sometimes people do change.. and sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. You have to know when people aren't worth it anymore. I'm getting better at this.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this. I guess it just annoys me that people see one side of me and assume that's all there is. I guess it shouldn't matter.. because the people I care about, who care about me, know better. Right? Still kinda annoying..

Speaking of annoying.. I've gotten myself into another super confusing situation. How do I always manage to do that? Half of me wants to say, "whatever happens, happens" and the other half of me is screaming, "you're being SUCH an idiot right now!"

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

This is exactly how I feel. And now this song is stuck in my head. I'm either getting tired or delirious. No more feelings..

Pull yourself together, kid.

I'm really taking procrastinating to a whole new level.

This morning I woke up extremely bothered. When it comes to advice, I feel like I'm pretty good at giving the right advice to other people. Taking my own advice, not so much. With friends, when it comes to guys, my advice is usually very straightforward, at times even bitchy. But it's usually what they need to hear. For someone who's so great at giving this honest, straight to the point advice, lately I've been horrible at listening to it myself. So, on the rare occasion that my conscience kicks in and I feel bad about hurting someone's feelings, I'm really glad I have a friend to put things back in perspective for me.

CF: "he's just a boy, geez, not like he's important or anything, fuck em"
HH: "Haha so true"
CF: "how were you a bitch to him?"
HH: "Cuz he was being rly sweet. And I was like "let's not talk, what we're doing doesn't require coversation" And then after he said that was mean, I proceeded to tell him I didn't care about his feelings or his day and just 'shut the fuck up and cuddle'.."
CF: "haha it's funny tho"
HH: "I'm going to hell"
CF: "no feelings right?, he agreed no strings attached.. so he better get his shit together and leave his feelings at home so they dont get stepped on.."

CF: "You are choosing not to see past stupid shit because its not your problem to see past it.. So you're a what? So his feelings got hurt, he needs to grow a pair and stop being a 5 year old. Life's tough, get a helmet. I don't think you're stupid, I think you're a genius. you know what you want and you're not settling for anything less. Go you :) and fuck him"

I needed to hear that. I'm not a bad person, he agreed and he knew what he was getting himself into. No feelings, no strings attached. My philosophy is "Pants on, feelings off".. it works. Thanks for the kick in the ass, friend :)

I wonder what will happen when I meet the guy who changes that. It's gonna be interesting for sure. I'm sure his philosophy will have to be "I am rubber.." cuz I definitely haven't met anyone yet who doesn't take things so personally. Whateverrr :)

Current Mood: "Wtf?"

Someone pinch me. Am I alive? Was this weekend real life? I keep trying to find the words to describe the last two days.. but there are none.

At the current moment, I am suffering through a 2 day hangover while taking childcare certification classes. Something seems off here.. I've really gotta get my shit together. Buuut.. I'm too distracted by every little thing to focus on getting anything important done right now so.. here we are.

I don't feel like it's possible to put everything that happened into words. Mostly because I don't remember most of what happened, I slept through the rest of what happened, and it was just too ridiculous to try to explain. But in an attempt to entertain myself I will try. Before I start, I'd like to say that I have the very BEST best friend ever. I have never been quite so wastecasted in my entire life and from what I can remember, and from what I was told the next day, she took very good care of me. Thanks for not letting me die :)

Instead of starting with Friday night.. I'm gonna start with Saturday morning (Since, sadly, that's when I learned most about what happened Friday night)

Have you ever seen a movie where someone falls asleep somewhere, like a couch or an air mattress, and their friends make an asshole move and take the couch outside or put the mattress in water? They wake up, open their eyes, close their eyes and then realize "WTF!?" and sit up really fast. That was me Saturday morning. I woke up, feeling like I'd been hit by a bus, and open my eyes to see a wall. Normal, right? Close my eyes.. then realize, that is NOT my wall. Begin freak out. Not only am I NOT in my bed, I'm also not in my clothes and I can't find my phone. Begin further freak out at not being able to find my phone.

Eventually I pulled my shit together and realized that I couldn't find my phone because I was laying on it. Then, I realized I was at my friend's house. The only thing that didn't make sense about that.. was that he's currently 10 states away. So, how in the hell did I wake up in his bed? After calling my friend and learning that my clothes were in the trunk of my car, which I apparently demanded she drive home, she came to get me and so began the breakdown of "what the hell happened last night?"

Apparently I should stop pounding four lokos (if anyone is reading this and somehow DOESN'T know what four loko is.. SHAME. ON. YOU!) and if I'm going to pound lokos, I shouldn't follow them up with a rum & coke double, long island, margarita, and whatever else I managed to get my alcoholic little hands on in the 2 hours that followed. It turns out that all of the above are the perfect recipe for disaster. Lesson learned.

While being told about the events the night before and simultaneously checking my texts/call log/camera, I really had no words. It seems that Heather Happypants experienced her first case of "liquor goggles" (much like beer goggles except worse) and my poor phone can prove it. I don't know who "Shy Guy" is.. but I'm thinking he'll probably stay in my phone as that and go unanswered.. forever.

I feel like the only way to really explain the rest is through quotes, so hopefully this makes sense:

H: "Did I eat pizza last night?"
C: "You ate two bites and called me a whore"

H: "So after the club we came back to his house?"
C: "Yeah. You told me to help you pee, then locked us in the bathroom, took off all your clothes, sat in the bathtub and said, "it feels so good".. but the water wasn't on. And then you were yelling at me, "take my shoe off!" and you almost kicked me in the face. You also kept punching me in the vagina.. you're a violent drunk"

C: "So after I finally got you to turn the water on, then got you out of the shower, you threw the towel on the floor, laughed and said, "it's wet" I put you in a t-shirt and boxers.. then you climbed in his bed"
J: "She was trying to cover you up and you just kept yelling, "my phone, my phone, bring me my fucking phone!" (this I believe)

C: "We were basically carrying you, one on each side, back to the house and this random girl starts walking next to us. You two start holding hands and walking together while she's saying, "1..2..3.. walk" and when you started to yell, she said, "you never know where the cops are.. so when you want to yell, you 1.. 2.. 3.. and dance!" So you were dancing in the street, and walking just fine. But when she left your legs turned to jello and you tried to sit down in the road. When we finally got you inside, you looked at the couch, said "FUCK you" and walked off. You were really being such a brat."

J: "At one point, you were talking to these really ugly guys. So, I leaned over and said, "is it possible to have beer goggles when you're drinking liquor?" then you just looked at them, yelled "liquor goggles!" and laughed. I guess JW was trying to save you from them, so she ran over and said, "this is my girlfriend" and started making out with you. That plan kinda backfired though because.. well, two girls making out doesn't make guys leave"

After re-reading this.. I'm not sure I wanna add more. I'm not even sure I wanna publish THIS post. I know there's so much I'm leaving out. There are times, like this weekend, that I wish I had my own tv show. Or that someone would just follow me around recording my life just for my own entertainment.

All in all, pretty good weekend. A few other things happened that I'm happy/confused about, but what's new? I'm really not ready for you, Monday.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Holy headache Batman!

Well.. last night was interesting, to say the least. Definitely blogworthy. The only problem is I can't remember parts of it.

I'm a mess.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Rude is the new black

What whaaaaat!

So, job.. accomplished. Gotta take some stupid classes online this weekend for it, which is a pain, but I'm gonna try my hardest not to let it interfere with my drinking, err.. weekend.

I believe I am officially addicted to blogging. I'm gonna try suuuuper hard not to blog everytime a silly thought pops into my head. But in reality, all of my crazy ideas and stupid decisions start with a silly thought.. so this could be tricky.

I've gotten a lot of comments (texts, fb messages) about my blog already. It seems that people enjoy my bitchy, confusing, disaster of a life. Which is weird cuz I feel like I haven't even really gotten into the hardcore, exciting, somewhat embarrassing stuff yet. Just remember.. you asked for it.

After reading my best friend's blog.. I was reminded of a story. And while no one but us would find humor in it, I'm gonna share it anyway. Once upon a time, there was a skanky bitch. We'll call her SB. I can't really explain why I don't like her. Sometimes personalities just clash.. and sometimes skanky bitches sleep with guys you like before you liked them. That probably has more to do with it. Anyway.. after movie night at my best friend's house, walking outside to get in my car and drive home.. we see skanky bitch in the parking lot of my friend's apartment complex. Skanky bitch says hi to my friend (because skanky bitch knows who I am, but doesn't KNOW me.. and probably would know better than to say hi to me even if she did know me) and my friend pretends not to know her (I'm actually not sure if she was pretending or if she really didn't realize who she was.. but whatever) and this made SB mad. So, SB, who is carrying a tray full of Starbucks coffee, turns around to storm off.

Which would have been fine.. except skanky bitch didn't step up onto the curb. She tripped. And faceplanted into the coffee, that she was STILL holding. There were no words. I just jumped in my car as quickly as possibly because, let's face it, the laughter was coming and it wasn't gonna stop anytime soon. I guess she didn't really know what to do after that. So she left the coffee on the ground, got up and walked inside. Needless to say, I called my friend and laughed my ass off the whole way home. Because I am a bitch.. and because it was funny. It would have been funny if it had been myself that it happened to. But it wasn't.. it was skanky bitch, who I do not like.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. If you're going to angrily storm off to show your displeasure at being snubbed by someone.. faceplanting into something is not the way to get your point across. Frankly, it's kinda messy and makes you look like an idiot.

Hello opportunity!

Well, today has turned out to be pretty exciting already. I have an interview for a job I just applied for yesterday, I have new followers, and I haven't killed anyone yet! Not even my annoying little dog.

I'm such a hyper mess right now. I would really loooove to get this job. Not cuz it's my dream job or anything.. but because it would mean 30 minutes of driving a day versus my current 2 hours. It will also mean a pay cut.. and no fb'ing, blogging, or essentially fucking off during work. But hey, I'm headed in the right direction.

I have a million things going through my mind. Such as: my mail lady driving from the wrong side of the car, my deep hatred of Taylor Swift, and why my teeth still hurt after wisdom teeth surgery to fix that problem. But since I'm currently driving to my interview (Driving while blogging. Overachiever.. or addicted?) all of those super exciting topics will have to wait. Except.. I really can't stand Taylor Swift.

Fingers crossed!

Weekend, we meet again

It's Fridaaaaaaay!!! Thank you, God!

Although today started out kinda rocky, as my days usually do, I'm still in a pretty good mood. However, I've come to the realization, once again, that 7 a.m. is just too damn early to be awake.. much less functioning on no caffeine, alcohol, or drugs of some sort.

Morning was pretty typical.. for me at least. Wake up, rush rush rush, try to make it out the door while the dog is running around like a crackhead, tripping me, tripping himself. SN: I'm starting to wonder why I still have this dog.. I kinda hate the little fucker. A few weeks ago I actually contemplated tying his leash to a post on the side of the road and leaving him there. Of course, my mom made me feel like an asshole about that too (I'm starting to realize she's pretty great at that..) and the only thing I could say was, "Well.. I was gonna leave a note too.."

So.. after falling over 6 lbs of annoying all morning, I run outside just to realize that every window on my car is completely covered in ice. Annnnnd.. I'm gonna be late for work. So why not turn up the music, fist pump it out and get super happy to be alive? Done and done :)

Now I'm at work, super NOT happy to be here.. but glad it's Friday. However, I'm seriously starting to question the direction that my life is taking. The first thing that worries me is my facebook profile. Sometimes I like to stalk myself (it's not weird, I'm sure lots of people do it.. or at least that's what I tell myself so I feel better about it) and I learn a lot about myself. For instance, on my "People Who Inspire Me", the first person listed is Lil Wayne. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I also don't remember putting that there but as much as I drink.. I don't put anything past myself anymore.

Something else that concerns me is my recent obsession with Jersey Shore. On the rare occassion that I actually stay in and don't drink, one of my newest sober activities is watching old episodes of Jersey Shore. It makes me feel like I'm partying when I'm not. And now I even watch while getting ready to go out.. like it's inspiring or something. What does this say about me? I'm glad no one can answer that. Yep, secret's out.. I love fist pumping the night away, totally annihilated, barely conscious at times.. & no one can stop me!

I think I just outdid myself on pointless bullshit in one post. TGIF!

(Jen Collins, I hope you DO read this.. so that you'll know I'm enjoying your hardcore thug rap music hour at work while the boss is out. But you're still a bitch :) Yeah.. I did just talk shit on my blog)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

There's really no point to this post.. except that during the last post I was having a conversation with my mom about the situation with "K" and the fact that guys usually don't appreciate when the tables are turned.. the conversation wasn't really so interesting as much as how it started.. I was trying to think of a word and having a total blonde moment, which I do often..

Heather: "What's that word for when you bring someone around something?"
Mom: "Introduce? Expose?"
Heather: "That's it, expose"
Mom: "Are you trying to explain to 'whats his name' why you don't want to expose him to your crazy family? What is his name again?"
Heather: "Uh.. umm.." (totally one of those cricket sounds moments)
Mom: "Did you forget his name?"
Heather: "I forgot his name.."
Mom: "God, Heather.. really?!"
Heather: "We don't call him by his name! Just the first letter.. I remember NOW.. I just had to think about it"
Mom: "Oh my.."

Leave it to my mom to make me feel like a total asshole. Thanks mom!

Immediate Action Required

So I was thinking maybe I'd print out my "Dear Stupid" letter and tape it to his door.. but now he knows I have a blog. And he probably thinks it all about him, so no doubt he'll find it soon enough. It's so much easier this way. On to the next..

When I bailed on my other blogs and decided to start this one, it was because I wanted to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. After reading my last few posts, I feel like it's turned into more of an outlet for my irritation. Not what I wanted. So.. it's time to really start putting it out there, get down to the nitty gritty, all the dirty little details. If you're easily offended, now would be the time to stop reading this blog.. forever.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm a bitch. It probably has something to do with the clusterfuck of emotionally scarring situations I've been exposed to in the last year of my life. But still.. with the exception of a few close friends, I don't really give a damn about anyone else or their feelings. I used to hate selfish, inconsiderate people but I'm slowly starting to understand how it can be so easy to do. It's almost necessary. No.. it IS necessary. I've been burned.. too many times to count and my reaction is to shut off my feelings. If you don't have feelings, they can't get hurt.. right?

Back to being inconsiderate. I'm starting to feel like I should wear a warning label for any guys that come into contact with me: "if you like me, don't tell me.. if you miss me, act like you don't.. if you show your feelings, I will rip them apart" Yep, that about covers it. It's not that I TRY to hurt guys. It's just that they make it so damn easy for their feelings to get hurt. It amazes me that I can tell a guy "I will never want to be with you" and still.. he will try to figure out a way to win me over.

This is why I quit dating. I would be interested in a guy, have feelings even, then he would turn into a zombie (a nickname my friend and I came up with.. will have to be explained in an entirely different post for the full effect) So.. to avoid the crazies, I decided to turn my feelings off and just use guys for what I wanted. But I promised myself to be totally up front with them. I would not lead them on, (because as bitchy as I am, it's not my style to intentionally hurt people) I was simply fulfilling a need.

This worked for a while. Until that got old too and I decided to swear off guys altogether. That was pretty nice.. and then I met a boy.. I swear, all stories destined to end terribly start with those words.. "and then I met a boy"

This boy (we'll call him "K") was totally unexpected. The first time we met I barely even noticed him. He was a friend of a friend of a friend.. simple enough. And, honestly, I never thought I'd talk to him again. But I did and I was really surprised with how much I liked him immediately. Surprised because I had given up on liking anyone.. but mostly surprised because I hadn't felt so comfortable with a guy since my ex (I guess I'm eventually gonna have to post about that shitshow too..)

And so we hung out.. and it was nice. I finally met a guy who didn't annoy the hell out of me (or so I thought, this would change later on) We decided to keep it simple, no strings attached, no feelings, just having a good time. And we have been, and still are, doing just that. Hanging out, super simple. Except I keep wondering when this is all gonna go terribly wrong and blow up in my face. As much as I feel super comfortable with him, I'm just fucked in the head enough to be able to "like" someone without actually caring about them. I'm kinda concerned what kinda person that makes me, but again, just gonna blame it on the past :)

Now my only dilemma is the other guys. Where does the "no strings" line get drawn? Obviously we're not dating. And there's not even really potential for it to go anywhere at this point.. so why not date around, right? I get this weird feeling that he'd be super mad if he found out, though. Since he kinda did find out, and kinda did get mad (except that he only thought he found out.. there was nothing to find out. But still.. he got mad) That doesn't sound like someone who's not attached.. problem?

Maybe it's true what they say. Maybe I'm heartless. It's not that I'm anti love. I've been in love before and it was wonderful. And if someone came along again that could offer something more than annoyance I wouldn't be totally against it. But in all honesty, I hope he takes a while to come along. I'd like to appreciate him.. not rip his heart out, stomp on it, set it on fire, then feed it to the lions.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Well.. I've done it now.

I put all my eggs in one basket. Then I ran, and tripped, and majorly fell flat on my face. But what's even worse? All of my eggs fell out of my freakin basket and they BROKE. And the basket broke too. I put all my eggs in one basket. Then I broke my face, eggs, and basket.

I'm feeling a little dramatic.

Dear Stupid..

I really despise biting my tongue. Even more than that I despise people who frustrate me to the point of having something to bite my tongue about.

I think it would be super bitchy to say what I really mean. Sure, there are ways I could put it nicely.. but when it comes to being nice or being honest, I'd rather take the bitchy road less traveled. I have something rude to say and I wanna say it, damn it. So I'm gonna take my own advice and "blog it out" :)

Dear Stupid Emotionally Attached Guy,

You are not my boyfriend. You are not my friend. You are someone I spend time with when I don't wanna be alone. Someone I sleep next to, but not with (and seriously.. don't even get mad cuz you KNEW that wasn't gonna happen) That is all you are. You have no rights to expectations and you don't own me. So don't get jealous when I hang out with other guys. Don't blow my phone up 6429846261940 times when I don't answer you back. Don't even expect me to answer you in the first place! Most importantly.. stop talking to your friends about me. They're annoying and you're getting there. I expect you to follow these rules without any problems (since you're "soooooo mature") thanks!

Sincerely NOT Yours,


Well.. I feel better.

Positive outcomes only?

Work is such a drag. I mean, reeeeally.

I've been in a horrible mood for the last 2 days. For no apparent reason. Although, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with growing up. So annoying. I'm in this weird transitional period where I wanna surround myself with crazy people 24/7 and almost immediately want to be left the hell alone. Maybe the idea of this lifestyle is just more appealing than the lifestyle itself. Yesterday I said, "I feel like my life is Spring Break".. not meant in a good way.

On a totally unrelated note.. I wish I could build the perfect boyfriend. Like "Build-a-bear" but with guys. I'd call it, "Boyfriend by Design".. and it would be wonderful. I used to think the emotional side of relationships (or non- relationship situations between males & females) came from the girls. The crying, obsession, jealousy, emotional attachment.. I thought those were all chick things. Clearly, I thought wrong. My friends joke that I "just do something to guys" and "make guys crazy".. so is it just me? Or are guys super in touch with their feelings lately?

I'm not so good with attachment. For some reason I like people until they get attached and then they're just boring to me. I'm not sure what that says about me. And, sadly, I don't really care.

Fuck today.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Slow dancing in a burning room

Uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh! That's really the only way I know how to describe my feelings right now.

Aside from the fact that I think I might actually be suffering from alcohol withdrawals.. I'm so annoyed. Lately everytime I get excited about something.. it turns out to be another pain in the ass. With work, friends, whatever. I get what I want and it turns out to be.. well, not what I wanted after all. What really pisses me off is that I don't know how I feel or why or what to do about it. I just wanna cruise by contently.. not too happy, not too sad.. just somewhere in the middle. The middle would be better than the current rollercoaster I'm on. I'd be okay with just "okay".

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I haven't lost anything except my mind..

Hello weekend :)

I'm dragging today. It turns out that drinking for 11 hours straight, until 9 a.m. the next morning, will make your body react angrily. I used to look at the kids who partied all the time and think they must have such empty lives. But whether I'm being wild and crazy or just hanging out, I've met some pretty great people and made amazing memories. I almost missed out on this part of my life. I've made some mistakes but I'm grateful that I've been able to experience this and for the lessons learned. I'm also glad I found a balance between growing up and being young. I'm pretty happy with myself right now.

I've been thinking a lot about the last year. About how much has changed, how much has stayed the same. Even though I know I'm basically the same person, I feel different. Looking back at where/who I was this time last year is like an out of body experience. I shake my head and think "silly girl.. are you ever gonna learn?" Maybe I have learned.. but I get the feeling I still have a lot of work to do. I'm up for the challenge! Operation Better Heather has begun :)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Salt, meet wound

Holy hangover! For some reason.. every single time I drink on a week night, I imagine it won't come back to bite me in the ass the next day. And the next day, I'm always wrong. Something about alcohol just makes it feel like everything is gonna be okay. Again, the next day.. not okay.

On a better note, I'm successfully on day 2 of my new blog! It's not much but, for me, it's progress.

I'm currently discontent with how boring life is. I need excitement! But I also need to learn patience. Maybe this is a sign? :)

That gives me hope. So many days I wake up ready to get in the car and just drive forever, finally stopping and settling somewhere new. Anywhere but here. One day I will :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Some other beginning's end..

And so it begins.. another year, another blog. For the last two years I've attempted this, and failed. But not this time :)

In an effort to make sense of my thoughts/feelings/life.. I'm putting it all there for the world to see/love/hate/judge.

In 2011, I made a promise to myself to be more positive. This is probably the same promise I made to myself in 2010. In my defense, 2010 was kinda horrific in the "I-just-wanna-wrap-my-arms-around-my-knees-and-rock-back-and-forth-on-the-bathroom-floor-crying" sorta way. I probably experienced the same things the rest of the world did.. life, death, love, heartbreak, sadness, happiness. It's not so much what happened, but the order that it all happened in and how it resulted in a rollercoaster of emotions that I could have done without. But in the spirit of "shit happens" I'm learning to not dwell in the past but look forward to better days :)

And so here we are.. new year, new blog, new me. What a beautiful disaster this will be..