Why do people ask for the truth, even demand it, when they don't really wanna hear it? And why do I feel like a total jerk when I only did the right thing and told the truth?
I guess I could explain. I have this friend, ex friend now I guess, that things have always been.. complicated with. I've always known that he had feelings for me but we've never been more than friends. Mostly because of timing. I can't even count how many times he's said, "I can't do this anymore.. I can't be just friends with you". Then, sent me a text a week later saying he would try to be friends because he couldn't not have me in his life. It always ended up with one, or both, of us being frustrated and that same text message.
Now, there are two reasons that it won't work. The first, I've told him in a nice way but not bluntly. I think I told him that I've put him in the "friend zone" for so long that it's weird to think of him being anything else. Translation: I'm not sure if I'm physically/sexually attracted to you and it might be weird to find out. The problem with this? He's such a great guy and would probably treat me like a princess. But I think you should at least not be weirded out at the thought of kissing someone if you're gonna start dating that person. He's not gross or anything, something's just missing. The second reason kinda goes back to the timing thing. Except this new reason just recently came back into the picture.
We got into the whole "why can't we try this out?" conversation again and he started getting mad. So, I said, "do you want the truth? Cuz it's gonna suck". I gave him him a chance to say no, I warned him that he didn't wanna hear it. Of course, he just had to know, so I told him. And did he like the answer? No, of coooourse not. What was the answer? I have feelings, really strong feelings, for someone else and I don't think it would be fair to myself (or anyone else) to not sort those feelings out. Well, of course he's pissed, hates me, never wants to talk to me again. Usually, I might feel worse about it. But I can't help how I feel. And if he wants to be an irrational child, so be it. I'm done. I'm finally doing something for me, something that (I think) will make me happy. He can't make me feel guilty for that.
About these feelings.. I'm in trouble. Seriously, it's worse than I thought. Someone needs to start planning an intervention, like now. Against ALL of my better judgement, ignoring what all of my friends have said/thought about it, I've given someone another chance. This isn't something I do. Second chances, maybe. Third, never. I can't really explain why I think things will be different this time. I just have this gut feeling that I need to give this another try. Maybe it will be the biggest mistake I've ever made, maybe I'll learn a valuable lesson from it, maybe it will be something good. I hope it's good. Right now, it feels good.. so we'll see.
I have a few days to escape from it all.. tomorrow is my cousin's 21st birthday and we're going on a much needed mini vaca. I'll be sure to post lots of pics :) Happy early weekend!