This is the post I've been avoiding. At what point is being "real" just too much? How much of yourself can you, should you, really put out there for everyone to see. While it's extremely personal, I feel like it's also very necessary for me to do. Maybe I'll be able to make sense of my own feelings and understand why I am the way I am.
I was in a relationship that, at times, was nothing short of exhausting but was my whole world. They say to never make someone your everything because when they leave, you have nothing. That's not exactly how it happened for us.. but I will say that, when you change every detail of your life and parts of who you are for another person, you are never the same.
He was the LAST person in the whole world that I ever expected to fall for. Because, even though he was SO many of the things I wanted, ending up with him never even entered my mind for a minute. Probably for good reason. This relationship, while it had it's good times, was the definition of "emotional rollercoaster". I've never in my life been so broken down, deeply hurt, or emotionally abused by another person. Before him I never knew it was possible to be so hurt that you become physically sick. I most definitely have scars from our relationship and I honestly don't know if they will ever fully heal.
There aren't enough words to describe our relationship from start to finish. I can't count how many times we both walked away, said "I'm done", or completely broke each other's heart. I wasn't totally blameless in the whole thing and I've apologized, and taken blame for my part, many times. It wasn't all bad. In some ways, he changed me for the better, and I choose to focus on the good lessons I've learned from it. Even though we were toxic to one another, he was my best friend. I opened up to him like I never have with anyone else. When I think about the insanely happy times, I like to think that I knew a side of him that no one else ever saw too. Then again, he had many sides. A few that I was shocked to see after we split up. But this is about me..
At 19 years old, we got married. Even though we'd been engaged (an engagement that involved me throwing the ring at him numerous times and him being "done" time and time again) the actual marriage was a quick decision, mostly due to him being in the military and partly because I wanted so badly to get out of this town. We'd been through so much and ended up back together, it seemed like the next step. It seemed like the easy choice. Later, I would realize that this was my subconscious attempt to run away from everything. Was it a mistake? I'm really not sure. At one point, I loved him enough to accept an engagement ring. I loved him enough to go back after all the pain he'd put me through. I'd like to think there was a reason for it but I haven't quite learned that lesson yet. I'm still working on it..
I won't get into great detail about what happened and why it ended because it really doesn't matter why anymore. I will say that getting married at such a young age is a challenge. You're still growing up, you're still figuring out who you want to become.. that's hard enough without trying to put someone else's needs above your own. You're either going to grow up together or grow apart. Age had a lot to do with our problems, along with immaturity, finances, and lack of healthy communication. Fyi: yelling is NOT healthy communication.
Now, that part of my life is done and I'm starting over. Truth? It's really hard. I never thought I'd have to live the single life again. Never expected to have more first dates or go through getting to know another family that would become mine too. Even though I'm young it's difficult to adjust to being on my own again. I definitely have moments of "I shouldn't have to be doing this right now!" but I do feel like I'm better off now. I have never been more sure that he was NOT the right person for me. I wish I would have learned that lesson in a different way.. but everything happens for a reason and I'm waiting to know what the reason is.
I have learned a few things though. Some good and some disappointing. Because of him I doubt everyone. I am incapable of trusting someone else, to the point that I sabotaged the only relationship I've really had since then. Although that relationship had a lot of problems too, it didn't help that I was still carrying the baggage from the previous one into it.
The thing that disappoints me the most is how my relationship with him affected my faith. When we first started dating, I was immediately drawn to what a Godly man he was. I had so desperately been in need of that influence in my life. The closer I became to God, the closer I became to him. But he wasn't really that person. Sure, he went to church when he was supposed to, didn't drink, didn't cuss. He was a "model Christian", or so I thought. I thought that I had to change, to stop doing certain things, cut people out.. because I was living by his idea of what a Christian should be. There was no balance between being young and being good. Now that I've seen sides of him that were so NOT Godly.. I'm finding my own balance and realizing how things should be.
What else have I learned? There is a difference between compromising with someone and changing for someone. I feel even more confident in my moving on from him because I know that someday, someone out there will love me exactly for who I am. And if I change as a result of their love, it will be because that person makes me want to be a better person. A friend said something to me that made a lot of sense. If it felt so perfect (at times) with him and he WASN'T the one for me, imagine how great it will be when I find the one that IS for me. That, I can wait for.
There are two points to this blog. One is that I just needed to get that out. Maybe my emotional detachment will be a little more understandable now. The second is that I'm shout-at-the-top-of-my-lungs happy about finding my "balance" again. I've said before that I believe God has a hand in every aspect of my life. There's a reason for every mistake I've made, every bad thing I've been through. Just like there's a reason for my every accomplishment and moment of joy. So, God, I'm Yours. Mold me, shape me, bend me, break me. Use me however You want. I'm up for the challenge and I feel myself getting stronger every single day. But there are still parts of me that are bruised and broken.. which tells me that I absolutely need this now more than ever. Once again, here we go..