Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I don't know

I haven't blogged in a couple of days. Mainly because I just don't know what to say. To be honest, I STILL don't know what to say. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in things that, when I finally get around to posting about them, everything just comes out in one big, confusing mess of words. Explaining the whole story from the beginning would just take too long. Long story short.. here's what happened:

I met a boy, I didn't like him. Then, I liked him but I didn't want to like him. I liked him too much, I tried to stop liking him. That worked for a while since we didn't talk much. When we finally did talk again, something seemed different, he seemed different. So, I thought, "give this another chance, there's a reason you still care".

Fast forward to now.. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I feel. What makes me REALLY mad is that I don't even know WHY I care about this kid. He's done things that have annoyed me beyond belief, and if I were to describe my "perfect guy", he's nothing like that. I'm not one of those sappy, love story types who believes in love at first sight and that everyone in the world only has one soul mate. I think you can be "in love" more than once, with different people, in different ways. I don't buy into that stuff. But I DO think you can have a connection with someone that's just unexplainable. That you can just be drawn to someone and feel something that, no matter how confusing, you can't control. And that's how I feel about him. He's addicting to me and I hate it.

I can't say that I "love" him, or that I'm "in love" with him because I don't think that's even possible. But I can honestly say that he makes me feel a way that I have NEVER felt before. Which is why, with him, all of my inhibitions go right out the window. All of the stupid things he's done and crap I've dealt with, all forgotten in seconds. I don't understand it, I'm scared by it, and I want it to stop.

Now I'm just in this state of "I don't know".. apparently waiting for some big sign or something telling me what to do. It would be really great if God sent texts. If I got a text from God that said, "Just do this.." I'd feel pretttttty obliged to listen. I guess it doesn't work that way though.

Other than dealing with, or the lack of dealing with, my emotions.. nothing else is really happening this week. It's been rainy and gross outside which makes me want to sleep all day long. I'm still looking forward to my birthday. We don't have any set plans yet, so I'm not sure what will end up happening. I just want a drama free night with my friends. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so.

Speaking of drama free nights with friends.. I guess we're having a "girls night" tonight. I'm pretty happy about this because I just wanna take my mind off of everything and laugh, be stupid and (not gonna lie) I kinda REALLY want a margarita right now! Should be fun. Cheers to this week getting better!

1 comment:

  1. I hope you get some clarity soon. It sounds like what you're going through is rough.