Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lost for you, I'm so lost for you

Whyyy can't I sleep right now? I know why.. but admitting it, even to myself, makes me feel so stupid. I'll just pointlessly ramble. I'm good at that.

I'm annoyed that I can't sleep.. because I'm beyond exhausted. Physically, emotionally, any possible way that you can be exhausted.. I'm there. I'm also completely indifferent to everything right now. I'm typically a happy person. Yes, I have moments of "fuck it all" and times when I'd rather just bury myself in my bed and wallow in self pity. But something I've learned about myself is that, somehow, I am strongest when I should be the weakest. Those moments when everything is the worst it could possibly be.. I find a way to smile, suck it up and get through it. Sometimes I'm so happy it disgusts me.

But right now is not one of those moments. Probably because the world isn't crashing down around me, I'm just tired and moody. Very moody. I'm stuck in between "I don't care what anyone thinks" and "I don't understand why they think that about me"

I know that I don't put the best image of myself out there. Most of my facebook statuses pertain to drinking, partying, or something related to being young and stupid. Sure, I like to party. That's a part of who I am. A small, inconsequential part of me. It doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic or a whore.. or any of these other things I get labeled as. It means I like to have fun with my friends. It means I'm enjoying being 21 years old and, FINALLY, having the freedom to be who I want and do what I feel. Yes, I like to party. There's just so much more to me than that. And is it wrong to be pissed cuz people don't bother getting to know the rest of me.. at least before they judge me? Cuz I'm pissed.

I have faults, I am human. I make mistakes every single day. I try and fail. I am so far from perfect. But I'm a good person. I would do anything for the people I love.. I HAVE done things for people I can barely stand. Because as much as it annoys me, I hate being an asshole. I will forgive and forget.. over and over and over.. because I want to see the best in everyone. I wanna believe that people can change, that maybe there's good in everybody. Sometimes people do change.. and sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. You have to know when people aren't worth it anymore. I'm getting better at this.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this. I guess it just annoys me that people see one side of me and assume that's all there is. I guess it shouldn't matter.. because the people I care about, who care about me, know better. Right? Still kinda annoying..

Speaking of annoying.. I've gotten myself into another super confusing situation. How do I always manage to do that? Half of me wants to say, "whatever happens, happens" and the other half of me is screaming, "you're being SUCH an idiot right now!"

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

This is exactly how I feel. And now this song is stuck in my head. I'm either getting tired or delirious. No more feelings..

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