Someone pinch me. Am I alive? Was this weekend real life? I keep trying to find the words to describe the last two days.. but there are none.
At the current moment, I am suffering through a 2 day hangover while taking childcare certification classes. Something seems off here.. I've really gotta get my shit together. Buuut.. I'm too distracted by every little thing to focus on getting anything important done right now so.. here we are.
I don't feel like it's possible to put everything that happened into words. Mostly because I don't remember most of what happened, I slept through the rest of what happened, and it was just too ridiculous to try to explain. But in an attempt to entertain myself I will try. Before I start, I'd like to say that I have the very BEST best friend ever. I have never been quite so wastecasted in my entire life and from what I can remember, and from what I was told the next day, she took very good care of me. Thanks for not letting me die :)
Instead of starting with Friday night.. I'm gonna start with Saturday morning (Since, sadly, that's when I learned most about what happened Friday night)
Have you ever seen a movie where someone falls asleep somewhere, like a couch or an air mattress, and their friends make an asshole move and take the couch outside or put the mattress in water? They wake up, open their eyes, close their eyes and then realize "WTF!?" and sit up really fast. That was me Saturday morning. I woke up, feeling like I'd been hit by a bus, and open my eyes to see a wall. Normal, right? Close my eyes.. then realize, that is NOT my wall. Begin freak out. Not only am I NOT in my bed, I'm also not in my clothes and I can't find my phone. Begin further freak out at not being able to find my phone.
Eventually I pulled my shit together and realized that I couldn't find my phone because I was laying on it. Then, I realized I was at my friend's house. The only thing that didn't make sense about that.. was that he's currently 10 states away. So, how in the hell did I wake up in his bed? After calling my friend and learning that my clothes were in the trunk of my car, which I apparently demanded she drive home, she came to get me and so began the breakdown of "what the hell happened last night?"
Apparently I should stop pounding four lokos (if anyone is reading this and somehow DOESN'T know what four loko is.. SHAME. ON. YOU!) and if I'm going to pound lokos, I shouldn't follow them up with a rum & coke double, long island, margarita, and whatever else I managed to get my alcoholic little hands on in the 2 hours that followed. It turns out that all of the above are the perfect recipe for disaster. Lesson learned.
While being told about the events the night before and simultaneously checking my texts/call log/camera, I really had no words. It seems that Heather Happypants experienced her first case of "liquor goggles" (much like beer goggles except worse) and my poor phone can prove it. I don't know who "Shy Guy" is.. but I'm thinking he'll probably stay in my phone as that and go unanswered.. forever.
I feel like the only way to really explain the rest is through quotes, so hopefully this makes sense:
H: "Did I eat pizza last night?"
C: "You ate two bites and called me a whore"
H: "So after the club we came back to his house?"
C: "Yeah. You told me to help you pee, then locked us in the bathroom, took off all your clothes, sat in the bathtub and said, "it feels so good".. but the water wasn't on. And then you were yelling at me, "take my shoe off!" and you almost kicked me in the face. You also kept punching me in the vagina.. you're a violent drunk"
C: "So after I finally got you to turn the water on, then got you out of the shower, you threw the towel on the floor, laughed and said, "it's wet" I put you in a t-shirt and boxers.. then you climbed in his bed"
J: "She was trying to cover you up and you just kept yelling, "my phone, my phone, bring me my fucking phone!" (this I believe)
C: "We were basically carrying you, one on each side, back to the house and this random girl starts walking next to us. You two start holding hands and walking together while she's saying, "1..2..3.. walk" and when you started to yell, she said, "you never know where the cops are.. so when you want to yell, you 1.. 2.. 3.. and dance!" So you were dancing in the street, and walking just fine. But when she left your legs turned to jello and you tried to sit down in the road. When we finally got you inside, you looked at the couch, said "FUCK you" and walked off. You were really being such a brat."
J: "At one point, you were talking to these really ugly guys. So, I leaned over and said, "is it possible to have beer goggles when you're drinking liquor?" then you just looked at them, yelled "liquor goggles!" and laughed. I guess JW was trying to save you from them, so she ran over and said, "this is my girlfriend" and started making out with you. That plan kinda backfired though because.. well, two girls making out doesn't make guys leave"
After re-reading this.. I'm not sure I wanna add more. I'm not even sure I wanna publish THIS post. I know there's so much I'm leaving out. There are times, like this weekend, that I wish I had my own tv show. Or that someone would just follow me around recording my life just for my own entertainment.
All in all, pretty good weekend. A few other things happened that I'm happy/confused about, but what's new? I'm really not ready for you, Monday.