So I was thinking maybe I'd print out my "Dear Stupid" letter and tape it to his door.. but now he knows I have a blog. And he probably thinks it all about him, so no doubt he'll find it soon enough. It's so much easier this way. On to the next..
When I bailed on my other blogs and decided to start this one, it was because I wanted to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. After reading my last few posts, I feel like it's turned into more of an outlet for my irritation. Not what I wanted. So.. it's time to really start putting it out there, get down to the nitty gritty, all the dirty little details. If you're easily offended, now would be the time to stop reading this blog.. forever.
I have come to the conclusion that I'm a bitch. It probably has something to do with the clusterfuck of emotionally scarring situations I've been exposed to in the last year of my life. But still.. with the exception of a few close friends, I don't really give a damn about anyone else or their feelings. I used to hate selfish, inconsiderate people but I'm slowly starting to understand how it can be so easy to do. It's almost necessary. No.. it IS necessary. I've been burned.. too many times to count and my reaction is to shut off my feelings. If you don't have feelings, they can't get hurt.. right?
Back to being inconsiderate. I'm starting to feel like I should wear a warning label for any guys that come into contact with me: "if you like me, don't tell me.. if you miss me, act like you don't.. if you show your feelings, I will rip them apart" Yep, that about covers it. It's not that I TRY to hurt guys. It's just that they make it so damn easy for their feelings to get hurt. It amazes me that I can tell a guy "I will never want to be with you" and still.. he will try to figure out a way to win me over.
This is why I quit dating. I would be interested in a guy, have feelings even, then he would turn into a zombie (a nickname my friend and I came up with.. will have to be explained in an entirely different post for the full effect) So.. to avoid the crazies, I decided to turn my feelings off and just use guys for what I wanted. But I promised myself to be totally up front with them. I would not lead them on, (because as bitchy as I am, it's not my style to intentionally hurt people) I was simply fulfilling a need.
This worked for a while. Until that got old too and I decided to swear off guys altogether. That was pretty nice.. and then I met a boy.. I swear, all stories destined to end terribly start with those words.. "and then I met a boy"
This boy (we'll call him "K") was totally unexpected. The first time we met I barely even noticed him. He was a friend of a friend of a friend.. simple enough. And, honestly, I never thought I'd talk to him again. But I did and I was really surprised with how much I liked him immediately. Surprised because I had given up on liking anyone.. but mostly surprised because I hadn't felt so comfortable with a guy since my ex (I guess I'm eventually gonna have to post about that shitshow too..)
And so we hung out.. and it was nice. I finally met a guy who didn't annoy the hell out of me (or so I thought, this would change later on) We decided to keep it simple, no strings attached, no feelings, just having a good time. And we have been, and still are, doing just that. Hanging out, super simple. Except I keep wondering when this is all gonna go terribly wrong and blow up in my face. As much as I feel super comfortable with him, I'm just fucked in the head enough to be able to "like" someone without actually caring about them. I'm kinda concerned what kinda person that makes me, but again, just gonna blame it on the past :)
Now my only dilemma is the other guys. Where does the "no strings" line get drawn? Obviously we're not dating. And there's not even really potential for it to go anywhere at this point.. so why not date around, right? I get this weird feeling that he'd be super mad if he found out, though. Since he kinda did find out, and kinda did get mad (except that he only thought he found out.. there was nothing to find out. But still.. he got mad) That doesn't sound like someone who's not attached.. problem?
Maybe it's true what they say. Maybe I'm heartless. It's not that I'm anti love. I've been in love before and it was wonderful. And if someone came along again that could offer something more than annoyance I wouldn't be totally against it. But in all honesty, I hope he takes a while to come along. I'd like to appreciate him.. not rip his heart out, stomp on it, set it on fire, then feed it to the lions.