Sunday, April 3, 2011

They say every tear has it's reason

Remember my state of "I don't know"? Well, now I know. God sent me a wake up call that smacked me in the face, hard. Sometimes you have to look at yourself, look at how you love people, treat people, and realize that you deserve to be treated the same way. I'm not saying I've always been my nicest when it comes to guys. I don't make a habit out of hurting people though.

When I care about someone, I'm all in. I don't "fall", I jump. I jump, head and heart first, into it with everything I have. Because I don't think you can really love someone with half of your heart, not the right way at least. So, I think I deserve to be treated the exact same way. This person, he was so closed. Talk about not falling or jumping.. he wasn't even going close to the edge. Which is fine, I'm not one to push. But I've been through a lot in the last few years, relationship wise. I've REALLY thought and really prayed about what I want and especially what I don't want. I do NOT want someone who's emotionally confused.

For a long time, I was completely closed off to the idea of a relationship because I was just not ready. I carried around so much baggage and regret and anger from the past and I knew, until I could let that go and fix me, I didn't need to drag someone else into that. It's nice to love someone else, but you have to love yourself first. Am I completely fixed? No. Do I love myself? Yes. So, I'm ready. I'm not looking, I'm not blindly jumping off the edge.. but I'm ready if it happens.

Now here I am, in my state of "know". I know what I want, what I don't want, what I deserve. I'm okay being by myself until the right person comes along. I'm happy, I'm enjoying my life. And I trust that, at some point, God will send someone who's not only ready to jump too.. but ready to jump with me.

I don't know if he'll see this.. but if he does, this is all I have left to say:

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days.. I get a little bit stronger

Now, I've put him, and the past, in a box. I put the lid on and pushed it way back where it can get covered with new, happy memories. No more confusion, no more tears, just "know" :)

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