Monday, May 16, 2011


I've made a decision. A few, actually.

First, I deleted my facebook. It seems like such a silly thing to even call a "decision" but if you had any idea how much of my time I actually spend on there, you'd understand that this is a big deal. What made me decide to do this? Drama, temptation and the fact that I'm just plain annoyed with the shallowness of the people I call my "friends" on there. How long have I been saying I want to do better, be better? As if I think my life is going magically fix itself and smack me in the face when everything is all better. Nope. I'm done with the shallowness and immaturity. I don't want, or need, it in my life. I don't know how long this will last.. but I know I already feel better as a result from being "disconnected" with that part of my life.

My second decision, MAKE A DECISION. I know that I want things to be different.. but how? Where do I start? By making the decision to change.. and DOING it. I used to be madly in love with life. Literally wake up smiling. It sounds so cliche.. but I used to have this fire inside. And lately I'm not sure where that's gone. Frankly, I think I've just become scared. Scared to take chances, scared of failure, scared to look like an idiot. I've become so reserved, so self conscious, so worried about "what will people think". It's time to forget that. It's time to ask myself, "what do YOU think?" and I am.

Today I took a chance. I got hurt.. and in the past I would have closed up and acted as if I didn't care. Today I didn't. Did it make a damn bit of difference? Nope. But at least I tried. And you know what.. that IS all that matters. I tried. I put myself on the line, took a chance on looking like a fool, risked getting hurt a little. And it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. I want everyday to be like this. It's a little painful, I'm not gonna lie.. but it's also entirely freeing and exhilarating. I can sleep at night knowing that I put it all out there.. when I got a chance, I took it. That's me from now on. First comes God.. then comes happiness, joy, freedom. I think, deep down, I've been waiting around for someone to come into my life and bring all those things to me. All along, they've been in me.. waiting to come out, all I have to do is just LIVE.

That's my main focus right now. Living my life, putting God first, being happy. Honestly, I think they all go hand in hand. Even though I'm a little bummed.. I'm feeling lighter than I've felt in a long time. Somehow I feel like being disconnected from the wrong things is only pushing me to be connected to right ones. I hope so.. I want that, need that, more than anything right now. I don't understand it.. but I'm happy.

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