The first cut is the deepest

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden...”



Things are not always what they seem. Sometimes things are great, sometimes they suck. Right now, they suck. I made a mistake. But not just a little, "oops I meant to only call my boss a bitch in my head but I said it out loud while she was in the room" mistake. I'm talking about a "I made a choice, and made a statement with that choice, and now I'm gonna look like a complete ass going back on that choice" mistake. But something tells me it's worth it. Oddly enough, it's the same voice that's telling me to run away and run fast.

For the most part I don't care.. about anything. Don't care if you love me, hate me, wanna marry me. I don't care about guys or their feelings. Especially feelings, those are OFF LIMITS. But I have my moments. Times when I'm insecure beyond belief, when my feelings (yes, feelings) get hurt, when I feel absolutely worthless. These moments, however rare, get to me. When something gets to me, I shut down. I don't want to, can't, deal with things. I feel seconds away from a severe panic attack at all times. I don't do good with bad.

In the past, I've handled these "dark moments" in really bad ways, really stupid ways. Very few people have ever seen me in this state and it's not pretty. I'm basically a disaster. For some reason, I feel like I'm going to have one of these moments by the end of the week. Partly due to my mistake, mainly due to life in general right now. I'm taking it one step at a time, breathing, praying, trusting myself to get through/over this.

Darkness aside, I have a confession to make. I'm annoyed with this, disgusted even. Here goes..

Dear Dumb Boy,

I knew you were bad news all along. Yet, I went around and around this vicious cycle with you. Against my better judgement, I kept you around. Until I decided you just weren't worth it anymore. Honestly, I started to care. I didn't wanna care and pushing you away seemed a lot easier. I didn't really think it mattered anyway. So, I let it go, got over it, dunzo. And what happened? Out of NOWHERE I started to miss you, to think maybe I made a mistake. Apparently you thought about it too and realized maybe you cared a little. Now, I'm screwed. I care. Yeah, you win.. I CARE. This can only end terribly.

Here I sit, in my little bubble of darkness, mad as heck that I care about someone. I'm blaming most of this moodiness on the fact that it's 4:30 a.m. and I still haven't been to sleep. I'm going to work in 3 hours, on NO sleep, in hopes that I'll actually be able to sleep tomorrow night

Crap, I care.