Reflection

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. About my goals, plans for my life. And he said, "I didn't realize you had your shit together and planned out like that" Yeah, most people don't know that about me. I guess because most people don't really "know" me.

I'm not really on the same path as most people my age, as most of my friends. Looking back, I never really was. I've always been one to do things my own way and figure things out for myself. Trial and error, rather than learning from someone else's mistakes.

I'm not in school right now. Not because I'm stupid or because I'm a slacker. Because, honestly, I don't see the point in wasting the time or money when my heart just isn't in it. When I was in art school in SC, I threw myself into it. It was what I wanted to do, it was my passion, something I loved. And I did great. I don't feel that right now. I WANT to throw myself entirely into school and my career.. someday. Right now, I wanna be young and live my life. I still think education is important. And eventually, I'll get done with school when the time is right for ME.

That doesn't mean I'm not still learning. Education is important.. but so is experience. I'm learning what it means to struggle. Which, luckily, I have never had to do before. What have I learned about struggling, about barely getting by? IT. SUCKS. Plain and simple. But it's worth it. Because that feeling of knowing that I can support myself and stand on my own two feet.. you can't learn that in a classroom. I learn something new every single day. So, even if I'm not in school, I'm officially taking "Life Lessons 101"

As much as I hate bringing him into my life now.. this post reminds me of a conversation, one of the last, that I had with my ex. He told me that I was "too independent" and no one would ever want me because of it. That no one wanted to be with someone who didn't need them. For a while, I believed him. Until I realized what I wanted in someone. I don't want someone who NEEDS to be with me.. I want someone who WANTS to be with me, who chooses me over everyone else. Not someone who needs me for emotional, financial, or any other kind of support. Someone who simply chooses to love me because of who I am. I also learned that there are people, like him, that need to be needed. His problem with me wasn't that I was "too independent". It was that he wanted a doormat, which I most definitely am not. Your loss, buddy.

Yes, I am independent. I have never thought of that as a bad thing and probably never will. I have had an EXTREMELY blessed life. I've been spoiled beyond belief and given/experienced more than most people could even imagine. And I'm so grateful for it. But I wanted, and needed, to know how it felt to do things for myself. Now I'm figuring that out one day at a time. Truth? It's hard. Sometimes REALLY hard. At times, I've had more money than I knew what to do with. I've also been so broke that I lived off of ramen noodles for an entire week. I always thought "broke college kid" was kind of an empty stereotype. Everyone joked about being broke and barely making ends meet but it never really happened, not to me or my friends. Hello, wake up call. It happens.

Even though it's been a long process, I'm learning to balance being young and being responsible. Yeah, I've spent a ton of money partying and hanging out with my friends. But I've made amazing memories and had awesome times with wonderful people. I can never get these years back. One day when I'm married, with kids, an SUV, and the white picket fence.. I won't think, "I shouldn't have wasted all that money when I was younger" I will think, "Thank God I LIVED. Thank God I was young and stupid. Thank God I had to struggle.. because now I so appreciate everything I have"

I'm on my own path. I still have hopes, goals, dreams. I'm just enjoying getting there. I'm living in the moment, this moment.. that, I fear, will pass by way too quickly.

Totally unrelated.. I have officially ended things with "K". If you can call it ending when it never really started. Anyway, it's over. I realized that I want something more. I deserve something more. I want someone in my life that I care about, who cares about me. Not someone that makes me their entire life, but that shares my life with me and appreciates who I am.. flaws and all. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. But I'm never gonna be ready as long as I'm wasting energy on losers that aren't worth it. Especially when we both know it's not going anywhere. Maybe it'll suck not having someone to come over at 2 a/m, even just to sleep next to me. But I think I need to be lonely. I need to miss having someone. Then, when I'm ready and that person does come along, I'll appreciate what I have so much more.

I think I might be growing up. Not gonna lie, it kinda scares the shit out of me. But I'm happy. I'm not holding anything back, I'm not missing out on anything. I'm waking up, most days, looking forward to what's next for me. I'm moving on, excited for something new.. this is gonna be good :)