I don't know

I haven't blogged in a couple of days. Mainly because I just don't know what to say. To be honest, I STILL don't know what to say. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in things that, when I finally get around to posting about them, everything just comes out in one big, confusing mess of words. Explaining the whole story from the beginning would just take too long. Long story short.. here's what happened:

I met a boy, I didn't like him. Then, I liked him but I didn't want to like him. I liked him too much, I tried to stop liking him. That worked for a while since we didn't talk much. When we finally did talk again, something seemed different, he seemed different. So, I thought, "give this another chance, there's a reason you still care".

Fast forward to now.. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I feel. What makes me REALLY mad is that I don't even know WHY I care about this kid. He's done things that have annoyed me beyond belief, and if I were to describe my "perfect guy", he's nothing like that. I'm not one of those sappy, love story types who believes in love at first sight and that everyone in the world only has one soul mate. I think you can be "in love" more than once, with different people, in different ways. I don't buy into that stuff. But I DO think you can have a connection with someone that's just unexplainable. That you can just be drawn to someone and feel something that, no matter how confusing, you can't control. And that's how I feel about him. He's addicting to me and I hate it.

I can't say that I "love" him, or that I'm "in love" with him because I don't think that's even possible. But I can honestly say that he makes me feel a way that I have NEVER felt before. Which is why, with him, all of my inhibitions go right out the window. All of the stupid things he's done and crap I've dealt with, all forgotten in seconds. I don't understand it, I'm scared by it, and I want it to stop.

Now I'm just in this state of "I don't know".. apparently waiting for some big sign or something telling me what to do. It would be really great if God sent texts. If I got a text from God that said, "Just do this.." I'd feel pretttttty obliged to listen. I guess it doesn't work that way though.

Other than dealing with, or the lack of dealing with, my emotions.. nothing else is really happening this week. It's been rainy and gross outside which makes me want to sleep all day long. I'm still looking forward to my birthday. We don't have any set plans yet, so I'm not sure what will end up happening. I just want a drama free night with my friends. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so.

Speaking of drama free nights with friends.. I guess we're having a "girls night" tonight. I'm pretty happy about this because I just wanna take my mind off of everything and laugh, be stupid and (not gonna lie) I kinda REALLY want a margarita right now! Should be fun. Cheers to this week getting better!

Quit

You know what? People. Don't. Fricken. Change! Not unless THEY want to.. or apparently unless someone else is actually worth changing for. I'm not worth that, I guess. But, hey, I tried. I said I was gonna put myself out there and I did. Maybe it wasn't the trainwreck that I thought it was, cuz I'll be honest I'm sort of an emotional mess right now, but it feels really bad right now.

I quit.

Naked Blogging

OH. MY. GOODNESS! It feels SOOO good to sleep in my own bed! I love traveling and vacations. But there's really no feeling like taking a shower in YOUR shower and sleeping in YOUR bed. Even better, I don't have to share my room with anyone who snores so loudly that I can't sleep. Yay for my quiet room! Even mooooore better?! DOING THINGS NAKED! Yes, I love to be naked and I'm not ashamed to admit it. For the most part, when I'm doing things "naked", I'm actually wearing (at least) underwear. So, maybe it's not full on naked activity, but still.. it's pretty nice. Once again, my favorite thing about living alone? DOING. THINGS. NAKED.

Back to my trip.. I didn't really take as many pictures as I had planned on. Mostly because it just wasn't the crazy weekend I was expecting. But my birthday is Friday and I'm getting more and more excited for it. I'm actually even looking forward to it now. Amazing! Anyway, I did take SOME pictures, mostly of me being stupid, and I was in the process of putting them on here when I realized.. I'm lazy and don't feel like it. And THEN, I decided to be a good little blogger and post some anyway. But the stupid photo uploader isn't working on my computer for some reason. So, as long as it's not my fault, I'm good. (Random note: I realized today that I have over 1,000 views. I understand that probably isn't much for someone who's been blogging since January.. but it means that someone is actually reading. Which makes me happy and a little nervous too. Sometimes I put things out there that I'm not sure I should. I guess that's what I was going for, though. Anyway, I guess what I'm getting to is THANKS to those of you that actually take the time to read/sort through my madness :) I think this has been, and will continue to be, a positive experience for me)

I'm getting excited for the summer now. I'm actually pushing myself to work out, developing healthier eating habits (I cheated this weekend, I WAS ON VACATION! I'm starting over, clean slate, tomorrow since it's Monday), taking my vitamins like I'm supposed to, and just trying to be happy in general. I've had a few moments where I just felt sorry for myself and thought about how suckish my life is. Then, I realized how many people out there have it SO much worse than me and still manage to be happy. It could always be worse.

Still no new developments in the whole "feelings" department. I'm not sure if I'm actually "feeling" what I think I'm feeling or I'm just being an emotional girl. Feelings and emotions are two very different things. Girls understand.. sometimes it's IMPOSSIBLE to control your emotions. Feelings, I can handle. Emotions are.. well, a bitch. But I made the decision to have a fresh start with EVERYONE (including myself) so I'm just going to be open to all possibilities and take things one day at a time. I will either open my heart up and get great results.. or it will get completely crushed and I'll be right back to square one. Either way, it's life. I can handle it. Bring it on!

I'm working on an "All About Meeee" post. In case anyone wants to know what I like/dislike, think about, try NOT to think about. I wanted this blog to be "real" and I don't feel like it's reached it's full potential yet. I need to get all the dirty little details out there. It should be interesting at least.

I should probably be sleeping. Happy Monday!

Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going, coming, thought I heard a knock
Who's there, no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the tv
thout something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings, but that's the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice, boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK
(Leona Lewis - Better In Time)

For some reason, this song describes how I feel right now. Except not really.. lol. It's more of a breakup song and I'm not really going through a breakup but more of a "I really, really care about you and I really fricken wish I didn't" situation. I've been going back and forth with myself about this, over and over in my mind for days.. and I still don't understand it. Anyone who knows me at all would know this is odd. I don't usually like to dwell on things, especially people. I think the fact that I'm confused, challenged even, is interesting to me. It's sorta like this.. I had a friend that would point a laser at the wall and her cat would be mesmerized. She'd chase it around for a few minutes, then just stare at it forever. Almost like she was thinking, "it's RIGHT there, it's so easy.. why can't I catch it?". That's how I feel. Except that my failure is due to my own stupidity, not the fact that you CAN'T catch a laser.

So, that's my dilemma. I'm mesmerized. I'm not used to things being complicated, being the one to care, reading too much into little things. Which makes me feel that, maybe, the person that has the ability to make me feel this way must be pretty damn special. Or I'm just totally off my game. I guess we'll see.


Aside from that.. my mini vacation was alright. Not nearly as "crazy" as I had hoped it would be but I guess I did have pretty high hopes. However, during this trip, I did make some plans for some crazy soon.. so I'm content :) A few beach trips, Lady Gaga concert, weekend getaways, and (fingers crossed) a trip to Philly to end the summer. If I didn't have to pay rent and a car payment, I think it might be the best summer ever. But I do.. so I have to fit work in there somehow. I'm still pretty positive that it's gonna be a great summer :)

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Sunshine, butterflies & baby kisses

I realize I've been a total Debbie Downer lately. I promise I'm working on that! Positive outcomes only, think happy, be happy. I'm getting back into a good diet/work out routine and I'd like to add positive thoughts/feelings to that. I mean, I'm pretty happy, I'll admit. I just need more stupid, silly, "what the heck?" -ness in my life. I'm working on that too :)

I've been finding a lot, lot, lot of (only word to really describe it) relief through prayer and scripture. I'm glad that I haven't let negative experiences close me off from God or my faith. If anything, I feel stronger as a Christian now when I'm going through difficult things. God is great.

So, on to positive thoughts/feelings/actions!

I can do this! Who's with me?!

Truth Hurts

Why do people ask for the truth, even demand it, when they don't really wanna hear it? And why do I feel like a total jerk when I only did the right thing and told the truth?

I guess I could explain. I have this friend, ex friend now I guess, that things have always been.. complicated with. I've always known that he had feelings for me but we've never been more than friends. Mostly because of timing. I can't even count how many times he's said, "I can't do this anymore.. I can't be just friends with you". Then, sent me a text a week later saying he would try to be friends because he couldn't not have me in his life. It always ended up with one, or both, of us being frustrated and that same text message.

Now, there are two reasons that it won't work. The first, I've told him in a nice way but not bluntly. I think I told him that I've put him in the "friend zone" for so long that it's weird to think of him being anything else. Translation: I'm not sure if I'm physically/sexually attracted to you and it might be weird to find out. The problem with this? He's such a great guy and would probably treat me like a princess. But I think you should at least not be weirded out at the thought of kissing someone if you're gonna start dating that person. He's not gross or anything, something's just missing. The second reason kinda goes back to the timing thing. Except this new reason just recently came back into the picture.

We got into the whole "why can't we try this out?" conversation again and he started getting mad. So, I said, "do you want the truth? Cuz it's gonna suck". I gave him him a chance to say no, I warned him that he didn't wanna hear it. Of course, he just had to know, so I told him. And did he like the answer? No, of coooourse not. What was the answer? I have feelings, really strong feelings, for someone else and I don't think it would be fair to myself (or anyone else) to not sort those feelings out. Well, of course he's pissed, hates me, never wants to talk to me again. Usually, I might feel worse about it. But I can't help how I feel. And if he wants to be an irrational child, so be it. I'm done. I'm finally doing something for me, something that (I think) will make me happy. He can't make me feel guilty for that.

About these feelings.. I'm in trouble. Seriously, it's worse than I thought. Someone needs to start planning an intervention, like now. Against ALL of my better judgement, ignoring what all of my friends have said/thought about it, I've given someone another chance. This isn't something I do. Second chances, maybe. Third, never. I can't really explain why I think things will be different this time. I just have this gut feeling that I need to give this another try. Maybe it will be the biggest mistake I've ever made, maybe I'll learn a valuable lesson from it, maybe it will be something good. I hope it's good. Right now, it feels good.. so we'll see.

I have a few days to escape from it all.. tomorrow is my cousin's 21st birthday and we're going on a much needed mini vaca. I'll be sure to post lots of pics :) Happy early weekend!

The first cut is the deepest

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden...”



Things are not always what they seem. Sometimes things are great, sometimes they suck. Right now, they suck. I made a mistake. But not just a little, "oops I meant to only call my boss a bitch in my head but I said it out loud while she was in the room" mistake. I'm talking about a "I made a choice, and made a statement with that choice, and now I'm gonna look like a complete ass going back on that choice" mistake. But something tells me it's worth it. Oddly enough, it's the same voice that's telling me to run away and run fast.

For the most part I don't care.. about anything. Don't care if you love me, hate me, wanna marry me. I don't care about guys or their feelings. Especially feelings, those are OFF LIMITS. But I have my moments. Times when I'm insecure beyond belief, when my feelings (yes, feelings) get hurt, when I feel absolutely worthless. These moments, however rare, get to me. When something gets to me, I shut down. I don't want to, can't, deal with things. I feel seconds away from a severe panic attack at all times. I don't do good with bad.

In the past, I've handled these "dark moments" in really bad ways, really stupid ways. Very few people have ever seen me in this state and it's not pretty. I'm basically a disaster. For some reason, I feel like I'm going to have one of these moments by the end of the week. Partly due to my mistake, mainly due to life in general right now. I'm taking it one step at a time, breathing, praying, trusting myself to get through/over this.

Darkness aside, I have a confession to make. I'm annoyed with this, disgusted even. Here goes..

Dear Dumb Boy,

I knew you were bad news all along. Yet, I went around and around this vicious cycle with you. Against my better judgement, I kept you around. Until I decided you just weren't worth it anymore. Honestly, I started to care. I didn't wanna care and pushing you away seemed a lot easier. I didn't really think it mattered anyway. So, I let it go, got over it, dunzo. And what happened? Out of NOWHERE I started to miss you, to think maybe I made a mistake. Apparently you thought about it too and realized maybe you cared a little. Now, I'm screwed. I care. Yeah, you win.. I CARE. This can only end terribly.

Here I sit, in my little bubble of darkness, mad as heck that I care about someone. I'm blaming most of this moodiness on the fact that it's 4:30 a.m. and I still haven't been to sleep. I'm going to work in 3 hours, on NO sleep, in hopes that I'll actually be able to sleep tomorrow night

Crap, I care.