Sunshine, butterflies & baby kisses

I realize I've been a total Debbie Downer lately. I promise I'm working on that! Positive outcomes only, think happy, be happy. I'm getting back into a good diet/work out routine and I'd like to add positive thoughts/feelings to that. I mean, I'm pretty happy, I'll admit. I just need more stupid, silly, "what the heck?" -ness in my life. I'm working on that too :)

I've been finding a lot, lot, lot of (only word to really describe it) relief through prayer and scripture. I'm glad that I haven't let negative experiences close me off from God or my faith. If anything, I feel stronger as a Christian now when I'm going through difficult things. God is great.

So, on to positive thoughts/feelings/actions!

I can do this! Who's with me?!

Truth Hurts

Why do people ask for the truth, even demand it, when they don't really wanna hear it? And why do I feel like a total jerk when I only did the right thing and told the truth?

I guess I could explain. I have this friend, ex friend now I guess, that things have always been.. complicated with. I've always known that he had feelings for me but we've never been more than friends. Mostly because of timing. I can't even count how many times he's said, "I can't do this anymore.. I can't be just friends with you". Then, sent me a text a week later saying he would try to be friends because he couldn't not have me in his life. It always ended up with one, or both, of us being frustrated and that same text message.

Now, there are two reasons that it won't work. The first, I've told him in a nice way but not bluntly. I think I told him that I've put him in the "friend zone" for so long that it's weird to think of him being anything else. Translation: I'm not sure if I'm physically/sexually attracted to you and it might be weird to find out. The problem with this? He's such a great guy and would probably treat me like a princess. But I think you should at least not be weirded out at the thought of kissing someone if you're gonna start dating that person. He's not gross or anything, something's just missing. The second reason kinda goes back to the timing thing. Except this new reason just recently came back into the picture.

We got into the whole "why can't we try this out?" conversation again and he started getting mad. So, I said, "do you want the truth? Cuz it's gonna suck". I gave him him a chance to say no, I warned him that he didn't wanna hear it. Of course, he just had to know, so I told him. And did he like the answer? No, of coooourse not. What was the answer? I have feelings, really strong feelings, for someone else and I don't think it would be fair to myself (or anyone else) to not sort those feelings out. Well, of course he's pissed, hates me, never wants to talk to me again. Usually, I might feel worse about it. But I can't help how I feel. And if he wants to be an irrational child, so be it. I'm done. I'm finally doing something for me, something that (I think) will make me happy. He can't make me feel guilty for that.

About these feelings.. I'm in trouble. Seriously, it's worse than I thought. Someone needs to start planning an intervention, like now. Against ALL of my better judgement, ignoring what all of my friends have said/thought about it, I've given someone another chance. This isn't something I do. Second chances, maybe. Third, never. I can't really explain why I think things will be different this time. I just have this gut feeling that I need to give this another try. Maybe it will be the biggest mistake I've ever made, maybe I'll learn a valuable lesson from it, maybe it will be something good. I hope it's good. Right now, it feels good.. so we'll see.

I have a few days to escape from it all.. tomorrow is my cousin's 21st birthday and we're going on a much needed mini vaca. I'll be sure to post lots of pics :) Happy early weekend!

The first cut is the deepest

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden...”



Things are not always what they seem. Sometimes things are great, sometimes they suck. Right now, they suck. I made a mistake. But not just a little, "oops I meant to only call my boss a bitch in my head but I said it out loud while she was in the room" mistake. I'm talking about a "I made a choice, and made a statement with that choice, and now I'm gonna look like a complete ass going back on that choice" mistake. But something tells me it's worth it. Oddly enough, it's the same voice that's telling me to run away and run fast.

For the most part I don't care.. about anything. Don't care if you love me, hate me, wanna marry me. I don't care about guys or their feelings. Especially feelings, those are OFF LIMITS. But I have my moments. Times when I'm insecure beyond belief, when my feelings (yes, feelings) get hurt, when I feel absolutely worthless. These moments, however rare, get to me. When something gets to me, I shut down. I don't want to, can't, deal with things. I feel seconds away from a severe panic attack at all times. I don't do good with bad.

In the past, I've handled these "dark moments" in really bad ways, really stupid ways. Very few people have ever seen me in this state and it's not pretty. I'm basically a disaster. For some reason, I feel like I'm going to have one of these moments by the end of the week. Partly due to my mistake, mainly due to life in general right now. I'm taking it one step at a time, breathing, praying, trusting myself to get through/over this.

Darkness aside, I have a confession to make. I'm annoyed with this, disgusted even. Here goes..

Dear Dumb Boy,

I knew you were bad news all along. Yet, I went around and around this vicious cycle with you. Against my better judgement, I kept you around. Until I decided you just weren't worth it anymore. Honestly, I started to care. I didn't wanna care and pushing you away seemed a lot easier. I didn't really think it mattered anyway. So, I let it go, got over it, dunzo. And what happened? Out of NOWHERE I started to miss you, to think maybe I made a mistake. Apparently you thought about it too and realized maybe you cared a little. Now, I'm screwed. I care. Yeah, you win.. I CARE. This can only end terribly.

Here I sit, in my little bubble of darkness, mad as heck that I care about someone. I'm blaming most of this moodiness on the fact that it's 4:30 a.m. and I still haven't been to sleep. I'm going to work in 3 hours, on NO sleep, in hopes that I'll actually be able to sleep tomorrow night

Crap, I care.

Birthday Smirthday

You never lied to me not once

Its not your fault that I cant trust

Its in my past, its in my path and I can't go there

Making a mess out of this game

To see it all go up in flames

So tired of being ruthless and wreckless

Time to be your only one

To almost be you're way too young

Time to crash into the sun

Time to be your 21

Time to dream that love with last

Time to drive my car too fast

Time to walk before I run

Time to be your 21

 

I don't believe in love and I

I pull it to the wall

I tasted sweetness there to laugh so hard as it falls

And I could push you there if you don't stop me

Push you there if you don't stop me

Please stop me

 

Its gut wrenching sometimes

Its life threatening sometimes

Seems like nothing can wash it all away

(Alexz Johnson - Time to be Your 21)

So, in 10 days, I'll be 22 years old. I guess you could say I'm looking forward to my birthday. In all honesty, it probably won't even feel like a birthday, I'm just ready for some cake. (Luckily, my cousin's birthday is this Friday, one week before mine. Two weeks of cake? Happy birthday to ME!)

I stand by my belief that after your 21st, birthdays just lose their appeal. I'm extremely tempted to have my 21st again.. but that probably won't happen. I'm far too boring for a 22 year old.

In the spirit of birthdays, specifically mine, this is my birthday wishlist post. Most of the things I want are things that I can, and probably will eventually, buy for myself. But let's face it, who doesn't love gifts and free stuff? Here's to wishing. (I'll keep adding more, check back if you care)

Kindle. Contrary to popular belief, not only can I, I like to read.

Season DVDs. Sadly, I'm now addicted.

Floor pillows. Not these specific ones, just really huge pillows. Just cuz.

Texts from Last Night book. For rainy days. And because I'm easily entertained.

So these are things I want. Among other things. And, of course, world peace and all that stuff.

Back to life.. 

I don't know what I'm doing. Emotionally, I mean. Other than really confusing myself. I've cut some people out. Now I'm thinking maybe I let go of someone that I shouldn't have. Because, even though I feel.. no, I KNOW this person can't possibly be good for me, I feel like I need them now. More than anything I wanna say "even though it's awful, screwed up, and makes no sense.. we're SO good together". That's not something that's easy to have with someone.. and not something I thought I'd want. Maybe I don't.. maybe I just can't let myself want that right now. I don't know what I want. Am I really about to be 22?

Fooling Around On Wanda

Let me start by saying, if I had a band, I would absolutely name it "Fooling Around On Wanda". Just so you know. Anyone wanna start a band?

Okay. So the past 2 days can only be summed up in one word : uuuuuuuuuueeeeerrrraggggghhwaaaaahh! I imagine this word to sound something like a mix of a baby screaming, a dying moose, and Snooki from "Jersey Shore". That was my day. Nothing's really happened, I just haven't felt good and everyone seems to be especially great at getting on my nerves. Add to that the fact that my abs are SOOOO sore from this retarded workout I did and yesterday I had a rude awakening. Literally, I got woken up in a very rude manner. Yeah, I'm having a little pity party right now. Deal with it.

I find myself, once again, in the middle of drama. Someone else's drama. Why, you ask? Good question. I try to mind my own business, to stay out of the middle of things, to play nice with everyone. I am Switzerland; neutral, taking no sides. Yet, I always seem to end up right in the line of fire, without a weapon or a plan. Not this time, nope. I refuse to even attempt making peace with both sides, or even one side for that matter. I'm gonna sit this one out, and all future "ones" too. Thanks.

I wanna randomly blab about life and fun and such.. but I actually have a ton of work to do.. at work. Go figure. More blab soon :)

Music I LOVE right now:

Son of a Bad Man -they're a local band, in Jacksonville, FL. & I absolutely adore them :) My fave songs are "Open Your Eyes" & "You Got Me"

Mumford and Sons -I actually like all of their songs, current fave is "The Cave"

Wakey! Wakey! -"Dance So Good" is probably one of my favorite songs of all time.

Insomnia

It's 1:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. Actually, I couldn't sleep. So I decided to post, yet another, boring post. Except that I waited like half an hour before I finally got around to it and now I'm barely able to keep my eyes open or focus while I type. Yet, I continue to add to this pointless little waste of "cyber space". Is "cyberspace" one word, or two?

Tiger Woods is on one of these late night, comedy talk shows. He's so boring. I really don't understand how someone so poised and proper could get a wife, much less get a ton of women to cheat on her with. I guess money can't buy you personality but it CAN buy you hoes. By the way, did you guys know that the "wah wah wah" sound (most commonly used when someone gets an answer wrong or fails at something) is called "sad tuba"? Now you do. Why you would need to know that, I'm not sure. But now you do and you are welcome. I think I'm delirious.

Sometimes I have flashbacks. I call them flashbacks anyway. They're usually just really, really dumb memories of really, really stupid things I've done with my friends. This one, however, was God's way of making me re-live (in my mind) one of my top ten worst moments in high school. Since I have nothing better to talk about, you obviously have nothing better to do if you're still reading this, I will share my short story with you.

I was a cheerleader in high school. It was, in no way, as glamorous as they make it seem in the movies. Cheerleading is actually on that top ten list too.. baaaack to my story. When I was a freshman, and cheerleading was a little bit glamorous in my mind, we got to wear our uniforms to school on game days. As a freshman, I'm not even gonna lie, I felt too cool for school on those days. They could lie and say they didn't, but so did everyone else.

As a freshman, I also had a HUGE crush on a Senior. For the longest time I was pretty sure he didn't even know I existed.. for the longest time he probably DIDN'T. I don't really remember how it happened that we finally "met" officially but it did. Since he was older, we didn't really hang out with the same people outside of school but we'd have random, flirty conversations when we'd see each other in the halls. I didn't really think it was actually going anywhere.. but he was fun to look at.

Fast forward.. one day, wearing my cheerleading uniform since it was a game day, I saw him in the hall between classes. Of course, I was feeling super cute and walked right up to him. I was super confident and flirty. I even surprised myself a little. Anyway, I decided to walk away on a good note. Looking super cute, feeling super confident. That's what I did, walked away. I even did the little turn around, look back and smile move at one point. And he smiled too.. like, this really big, cheesy smile. Almost like he was about to laugh.. and then I realized he WAS laughing.

At this time, let me explain the term "bloomers". Also called "cheer panties", they're pretty much just that. Basically like underwear that you wear under your uniform (over your underwear) to keep anything from showing, I guess. They always seemed kinda pointless to me because, other than thongs, they basically did the same job as underwear. Except they had elastic that cut off your circulation halfway through the night.

Back to the laughter.. as he's laughing, he's motioning for me to come back. Well, of course I went.. all giddy and wondering what he could possibly have to say. I go bouncing back over, huge smile on my face, and he leans over and whispers, "your skirt is stuck in your bloomers". Yeah, apparently he was down with the cheer lingo. In that moment I gave a whole new meaning to the word MORTIFIED. I could have died. Yes, the bloomers (although skin tight) "covered" everything.. but this was still like the equivalent of your skirt being stuck in your undewear or toilet paper on your shoe (which happens to be one of my mini fears).

I think I avoided him for a month. Obviously he didn't seem to mind seeing a little bit of booty in between classes since he still talked to me after that. We even hung out after we'd both graduated and I'm pretty sure, in a drunk moment, I asked him about it. We laughed and that was that.

I have no idea what made me think of that but that was my flashback of the night. And now I'm even more tired. Hope you've been slightly entertained. The end, goodnight, peace out.

Rent, spent, tent.. vent?

People.
^piss me offfff!

I have come to understand that there will ALWAYS be people in your life that want to get you down. Whether even THEY realize it or not. Jealousy is a nasty disease and some people are just SICK. What's worse? Sometimes these jealous people are close to you, your "friends". Some people just can't hack it when other people are happy or have things they want. Guess what? I work hard to have the things I have (and when I don't, I go without the things I want. It's called REAL LIFE). If you don't, that's YOUR fault. I don't put up with crap or settle for less than exactly what I want. I deserve to be happy. If you don't, YOUR PROBLEM. Leave me out of your negative issues, Debbie Downer :)

Moving on. This week has brought a lot of clarity to me. I've kinda been in my own little world for most of it, floating around in Happypants land, without a worry in the world. Since my mom is outta town on vacation (Yeah, thanks for just up & leaving your KID.. without telling her where you're going, checking in, or even offering to take her with. RUDE!) I've been house sitting for her and have had a LOT, lot of very chill, alone, down time. Other than having to work during the day, it's kinda felt like a little vaca of my own. I've also done a mini version of spring cleaning in my room/area of her house and that's been.. interesting. I stumbled across a box of pictures, letters, essentially unwanted memories. Let's just say that I've been praying for that "burn party" and cold weather ever since.

For whatever reason, I'm just in one of my "can't get me down" moods. Not sure why, but NOT gonna complain :)  Hope everyone is having a great week!

PS: I kinda realized this blog title is much like my month of January. Rent spent, might be living in a tent. Okay, I thought it was funny..