Gaga, changes, bloggers block

So, it's been almost a week since my last post. It's funny to me that, at one time, I couldn't have ever imagined NOT blogging for a week. I used to post three times a day like an addict or something! Life has been throwing stuff at me left and right and, although I'm happy, it's been a stressful few days.

First and foremost, I have to start off with my weekend. Friday night I went to a Lady Gaga concert in Orlando with a friend. I wasn't ever really, well, "gaga" over her like a lot of people are. I liked some of her songs and thought she was a little odd but never really cared much either way. That being said.. I am now obsessed! For some reason, probably because of the strange things I've seen her do, I didn't expect her to be so real. She interacted with her fans and is actually a really great live performer. A few times, I got chills just seeing how many people were there and how into the show they were. It was definitely a  really awesome experience. An experience that we very nearly missed, by the way! We got "lost" and ended up being an hour and a half late. Luckily, we walked in, sat down and she came on 5 minutes later. So, thanks to the perfect timing and great show, Friday night ended up being pretty great.

Saturday we spent pretty much all day at the mall then went to City Walk. Our plan was to buy a pass that got us into all 6 bars/clubs and check each one out. However, when alcohol is involved, things don't always go according to plan. We made it to two places. Thanks to a lovely little drink called a "hurricane" we got completely obliterated. We ended up making new friends (I know what you're thinking, not all guys!) and all went back to our hotel room for an "epic afterparty". What ACTUALLY happened was.. we all drank a little more and passed out. The night was still insanely fun though and now we have friends in Orlando :) Sunday was, most definitely, a day of rest. Maybe not in the way it should have been.. but still.

After reading my last few posts, I've realized that my heart just hasn't been in it lately. Not for lack of things happening, just because most things going on are really personal. I absolutely cannot STAND when people complain about something, expecting you to be understanding and sympathetic, but they won't talk to you about it. It's like this, if I don't know what you're going through.. I don't know how to help you. I get that sometimes you just wanna vent without getting into all the details of something, but I find it extremely annoying when people are vague. So, I've been trying not to do that here. As a result, most of my posts end up being pretty boring and vague anyway.

I guess I'm just in a really weird state of "change" right now. Between a new job, new friends, cutting ties with old "friends".. I'm just learning that things can't, or shouldn't, always stay the same. Change is good. Change is healthy. For me, change is necessary. I have so many things I want to do and, without making some serious changes, those things aren't gonna get done. Here I go.. 1, 2, change.

Dumbbb

First, let's get this outta the way.. word of the day:

This is a word that many of you might be familiar with, I know some of you are really good at it *cough cough*.. this is not, in any way, expanding my vocabulary but I'm in a sarcastic mood today. Deal with it. This word of the day is from Urbandictionary.com

Creeper
person who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. Usually a close friend or relative. You know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. It is not hard to spot the creeper.

Ex: Jeff was the "creeper" in the background.

The last line of this "definition" cracks me up. "It is not hard to spot the creeper" I'm beyond amused right now! It's a pretty true statement though. It is, almost always, NOT hard to "spot the creeper". I'm gonna go ahead and warn you right now that this post has no specific point or train of thought. Don't expect anything super intelligent to come out of this. Actually, now I just wanna spend the rest of this post sharing stupid words and definitions. Nexxxxt..

	"It was in the news feed"
	An excuse you can use after Facebook creeping and getting caught. It always works, though the suspicious individual will likely remain skeptical. Ex: Sarah: "Are you creeping on me? How did you know I commented on that picture?" Derek: "No, it was in the news feed!" "Just sayin'.." a term coined to be used at the end of something insulting or offensive to take the heat off you when you say it. "Don't take this the wrong way" What you say to someone right before you say something that can only be taken one way: badly. "This is actually happening" A phrase for use to highlight an ensuing awkward or unbelievable event. Mentioning that it is 'actually happening' helps to address either the awkwardness or awesomeness in the situation to everyone present. Therefore, can be used as a positive reinforcement to encourage the behaviour or as a negative reinforcement to discourage the offender. Use in positive situation: Three hot women approach man and his friends in a bar and ask if they can join them. Lucky Man: "This is actually happening." Use in negative situation: A friend among a group starts to complain about other members of the group in an irrational and mood-ruining manner. Any other group member: "This is actually happening." "Do you" 1. acting in a way that satisfies you, not caring at all about what others think nor about your actions and/or consequences 2. following your heart 3. possibly the best advice you can give anyone when they have a dilemma Ex: when my friend asked me whether he should hang out with the boys or his girl, I told him to do you. BMS Bitchy Men Syndrome. Male version of PMS. Okay, this is taking too long and I'm too entertained. To avoid getting evil hate stares at work, I'm done for now. Seriously, you should check this site out :)

Re-re-post

Back in the day, when Myspace was the social networking tool of choice, I wrote this on my Myspace blog. About a year ago, I read it again and couldn't believe how much has changed. And.. more than a year later, once again, I'm in awe of  how much has changed since this post but I feel like it's worth sharing, so here it is. The first one is the original and the second is my, almost 3 years later, "reflection". I almost can't even believe I wrote this at 18 years old..  They say you don't know what you had until it's gone. That may be true.. but it is also true that you don't know what you've been missing until it comes into your life. Most of the time we don't realize that with each door that closes, another quickly opens. Sometimes we meet someone & wonder how we've managed to make it so far in life without knowing them, or we finally find that answer to a difficult question that we've been seeking. Often, when we don't even realize that we've been looking, we find something even greater. One ordinary day we find all that we have been searching for and all that we will ever need. In that moment, our entire lives are forever changed. As everything slowly begins to fall into place, we know just how blessed we are. Our eyes open completely and we can see the beauty in all that surrounds us. We learn that there is purpose in our being. Also that whatever may come, we should not fear, but have faith and with that faith, we can overcome all things. We find that we are never alone and learn that we have found a love that never fails. That there really is something, someone greater than us that we cannot see, but that we can hear and feel in our hearts. How amazing, how glorious, how perfect is He.. that has given so much for us, and asks for only our love in return. If we speak and we listen, He will hear and guide us to His loving arms. Although we have made mistakes, lost our way, and denied Him.. He forgives us.. and loves us. Not only that, allows us to share that love with others and surrounds us with others who honor Him and help us to see what we are living FOR. He provides someone to walk with, to love, to honor as well. Through these gifts we see just how much He loves us.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows

_________________________________

It doesn't seem like it's been almost 3 years since I wrote this blog. So much in my life has changed & so many times I've failed to look at the bigger picture & be truly thankful for everything I've been blessed with. I want to always be at the place in my life that I was back then. To wake up everyday & just be grateful.


Even in the last year so many things have happened & I've changed in so many ways that I felt like I had to "let go" of my old self to move on & start over. But maybe some things AREN'T better left in the past. Even if you grow & become a better person from it, maybe you're supposed to keep a little part of who you used to be. I've learned so much in the last year, in the last 6 months, in the last week.. I've realized my dreams, changed my mind, acted selfish & immature, grown up, laugh, cried, been happy, been heartbroken & finally I have learned to be okay with me. It's hard to let go & trust your heart, hard to face the fear of rejection or failure & just go after what you want. But I'd rather have a few scratches & bruises from trying than be unharmed & always wonder "what if.."


My biggest revelation? YOU CAN'T ALWAYS MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. No matter what. You will always be trying & failing. In the end, you have to do what makes YOU happy. Because no one else has to wake up in the morning & wear your regret on their sleeve. Sometimes doing what's "right" isn't right at all & sometimes being "right" isn't the most important thing. Never again will I rule out second chances, or third chances, or more. Because if I feel in my heart, truly believe, that someone is worthy of my love & respect, I will take that chance. Never again will I hold back my feelings, be guarded or shut people out. If I let someone in & get hurt, so be it. Because nothing hurts like knowing later that taking that chance would have changed everything.


This is a new day for me, a new life for me. Not a "new" me.. just a better, stronger, smarter me.

Oh yeah, and..

Wednesday's word of the day:

praxis: PRAK-sis \  noun;

1. Practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills.

2. Convention, habit, or custom.

3. A set of examples for practice.

 

I will probably never use this word. Ever.

Drooling, tears & pancakes

It's just been one of those weeks. You know what I'm talking about. No matter how much sleep you get you're exhausted, barely dragging through each day, and just when you think things can't possibly get any worse.. SURPRISE! Yesterday, as you know, I was just NOT in a good mood. I was tired, everyone was on my last nerve, nothing was going my way. I kinda just kept to myself for most of the day because I knew my negativity was only going to rub off onto anyone that came in contact with me. Until last night..

I don't know WHAT I was thinking. I put myself in a situation that probably would have already ended badly if I had been in a good mood, but only ended extra badly because I was in a totally rotten mood. I had an awkward attempt at hanging out, which led to an awkward conversation, which led to an awkward "non-fight" fight. Which, then, led to me calling a friend and saying, "I might cry but.. wanna go to Ihop?" Because, as everyone knows, pancakes solve problems.

Anyway, I'm shrugging off the awkwardness. I'm not going back to my "I don't care" mindset but definitely entering a "yeah, okay, whatever" one. I'm not mad, angry, or upset. I'm pretty much just indifferent. When dealing with emotions: Indifference is my friend.

Onto the drooling part of this post.. I've been wanting to see the movie "Source Code" and, last night, I finally did. Rating?  I'd give it a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. Honestly though, I'd probably only rate it that high because I'm infatuated with Jake Gyllenhaal. I mean, did you SEE his cute little bottom in "Jarheads"? DROOL. Anyway, I tried to explain the movie to my friend last night and I totally couldn't. It's one of those confusing, "this could never happen in real life.. or could it?" movies where you wait like 45 minutes to even get to the point and then it's basically over. Overall, I'd rate the movie a 4.5 I think. But Jakey will always be a 10 in my book. Cute bottom.. sigh.

 Moving on. I think I've developed a little crush. On a guy who is the absolute definition of a "bad boy". Minus the flawlessly perfect looks. He's still pretty hot though. His personality, however, screams PLAYER all the way. Which is probably why he's so appealing to me. I could never take him seriously, or expect anything from him, but boy he sure is fun to look at. This post is coming dangerously close to "creepy" status.. time for a change of subject!

I'm realizing I REALLY need to kick myself in the butt and start getting some things accomplished! In case you've forgotten, I set some goals for myself in this post last month and have failed to accomplish any of them. What a bum! Now that I'm settling down (a little) from the craziness of "birthday month" maybe I'll participate in some adult activities again. Like getting my life together. We'll see how that goes..

Insight Into Me: Part 1

I am..

spontaneous, silly, adventurous, curious, always asking questions, constantly setting new goals for myself, barely capable of sitting still for more than five minutes, never willing to settle for something that doesn't make me completely happy, trying to figure out this thing called life, hoping I'll figure it out before I die..

My favorite things are:

music, being absolutely ridiculous in public, dancing in the rain, perfect sunny days, wrapping up in a blanket when it's still warm from the dryer, making people smile, seeing the innocence & promise in children, holding hands, getting butterflies, those moments you remember forever, hugs that seem to last so long, getting real letters in the mail, finding money in the pockets of the pants you wore 2 days ago, that feeling when everything is new & exciting with someone & just the thought of that person makes your entire day better, learning from my mistakes & that moment of realization when I understand "this will make me a better person", painting, anything artistic, trying new things, traveling, photography, rollercoasters, really great pizza, italian food, mexican food, food in general :).. baking, cleaning when I'm upset, reading, having a perfectly organized closet, having real, true, deep conversations, every single second with my family, cuddling on rainy days, remembering the good times with old friends, being that person that someone can turn to, laughing, loving, just being..

I love to be happy.

I love to smile & make others smile. I want my joy to be infectious to everyone around me & brighten at least one persons day. Sometimes I have days where I just want to wrap my arms around my knees, lay my head down & cry just because. Some days life is so overwhelming to me & I feel like I've seen so much, been through so much.  Other days I'm in complete awe of how much I still have to experience, how much I WANT to see, do, know..

I'm not an angry, hateful person with the worst intentions. When I hurt someone, even on accident, I can almost guarantee it hurts me ten times worse. I have the absolute worst guilty conscience in the world, so I've resorted to just being honest. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes easy, but most of the time people respect me for it.

I want a best friend. Someone that makes me a better me. That isn't afraid to say "I love you.. but what the hell are you doing?" I'm not perfect. I can be a huge pain in the ass, sometimes I'm annoying just for the sake of being annoying.. but I'm loyal, I'm relentless when it comes to standing behind the people I care about, I give 100% of myself to everything I do. Because I know I deserve 100% back. I will jump into things head & heart first.. I will try, I will fail, I will be hurt. But I will never settle for less than I deserve.

I want the things out of life that I think everyone wants.. to be happy, to be loved, to live. I have a million things I want to accomplish in my lifetime.. & no doubt in my mind that I'm just driven & crazy enough to do them all :)

Ink

For a while, I've been debating on getting a tattoo and/or getting my lip pierced again. Since I'm trying to be a little more grown up and responsible for work, I've kinda given up on the piercing idea for now. I know I want a bird tattoo but not a huge one.. anyway, these are thoughts:

I like where this one is at, if it was a little smaller.

Again, this one is too big, but I really like the design.

I like the idea of white, or skin tone, ink. You don't have to cover it up for work or anything, I might start out with this color.

I also want to incorporate Psalm 46:10 into the design somewhere too.. but I'm too lazy to actually sit down and draw a design on my own. Any ideas?