Well, okay then..

I am in a TERRIBLE mood today. But it's one of those days where everything goes so wrong that you just have to laugh. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what they say, right? If that's the case, I'm finding myself pretty freakin hysterical right now.

This weekend I'm going to a Lady Gaga concert in Orlando then hanging out with friends there the rest of the time. I'm not sure if I'm starting to get tired of the party scene or just ready for relaxing, quiet weekends again, but I'm not really looking forward to craziness. The last 2 weeks I've just felt tired but still kept going. Now I think I need 3 days of rest just to catch back up. In the words of Garth Brooks, "I'm much too young to feel this damn old".

On a completely unrelated note, I am so glad Robert Pattinson is doing movies other than the Twilight ones. Not that I don't love those movies but I'm glad he's actually a decent actor. I don't, however, care for Kristen Stewart because she just seems socially awkward. Back to my point, I realllllly wanna see his new movie, "Water for Elephants".

It helps that Reese Witherspoon is in it too because I love her as well but it just seems like a good story. If you haven't seen it already, you can watch the trailer here:  http://www.waterforelephants.com/

Along with my "All About Me" post, I'm working on a bucket list type post. On that list, among other things, is improving my vocabulary. Since I didn't stick to the pattern of adding "listening to" on each post, and my "current mood" is usually pretty evident, I'm going to add a "word of the day" to each post. Yeah, I'm that nerdy.

So, courtesy of Dictionary.com, the word of the day is:

oppugn\ uh-PYOON \ verb;

1. To assail by criticism, argument, or action.

2. To call in question; dispute.

You are welcome. Happy Tuesday!

We all have our war

I'm totally having one of those "what the crap am I doing with my life?!" moments. I have all these goals and things I want to accomplish and I'm just slowly rolling through life, doing none of them. What do I expect, success to just hit me in the face? I think it's time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and repeat the following: "Life doesn't work that way, sweetheart. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!"

I mean, I don't think I'm a total failure or anything. I've got my stuff more together than some, actually a lot of, people I know. I'm just not moving fast enough to satisfy myself. This being said, I'm getting my act together, with this in mind:

The only one who can stop me, is me.

The title of this blog is something I keep coming back to. We all have our war. What does that mean to me? We all have something, whether big or small, that we struggle with. Sometimes these are small struggles and sometimes we have multiple battles going on. Whatever gets us down, pisses us off, interrupts our life.. we all have our war. So, what is mine? What beats the hell out of me and kicks me when I'm down? At this current moment.. I do.

Anyone who's followed this blog since the beginning knows that things in my life, especially emotionally, are extremely inconsistent. Not that there's something wrong with me emotionally.. I'm just very up and down, back and forth. I think pretty much everyone is that way at some point though. It's not easy trying to figure out what you want and who you want to be when life's constantly throwing curveballs at you. There are times when I'm overly optimistic and positive through whatever is going on and there are times when I'm the complete opposite. These times, when I beat myself up over things I can't control or fail to measure up to my own standards of myself, I am my own worst enemy.

I'm a pretty lucky person. I'm healthy, happy, have(I think)a pretty good head on my shoulders. I don't have a lot to complain about and I don't like to complain but some days just suck. For whatever reason, sometimes life just ain't grand. I have to learn to deal with these days without breaking myself down entirely.

Every single day is another chance to make yourself better. To start over and become exactly who you want to be. That's how I choose to look at life. If I don't have the day I wanna have today, there's always another day to try again.

Live for today.. hope for tomorrow.

Mash up

Oooooh my gosh what a blur the last 3 days have been. I don't know where my brain is right now, it seems to have wandered off with my mind and there's no telling when they'll come back. Thursday I was so exhausted that I came home right after work and knew I had to take a nap or I'd fall asleep standing up. I set my alarm for 7 pm, since it was 6 pm, thinking I'd get an hour nap and wake up ready to go! I still had to pack for our Tampa trip so I really didn't wanna end up sleeping the night away. Apparently, my alarm went off for a whole hour before I finally woke up. I don't know how this is possible because it was literally about 10 inches from my face and blaring relentlessly. I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed that hour. Anyway, when I woke up and the clocked said 7:57, I freaked out, jumped up and started getting dressed. Apparently I thought it was 7:57 AM and I was going to relive my entire Thursday, thinking I'd be late for an important meeting. I was halfway through jumping in the shower when I realized.. it's Thursday night, idiot. Like I said, lost my mind and my brain went with it.

Friday I didn't work so we left a little earlier for Tampa. The ride there was almost as ridiculous as our night out. Which.. I have been advised not to talk about. Which works because (1) I don't think I wanna talk about it and (2) I don't remember a whole lot of it. Yep, I'm back to that. It's birthday month, gimme a break!

I will say that it was a really good night and, if there's such a thing, I had too much fun. Remember the stupid guy from the last few posts that we hate? (Yes, you hate him too now) Well, of all the people and all the bars in Tampa, I would just so happen to run into HIS best friend. Not only is he his best friend, he's insanely hot. Which, apparently, prompted me to send a drunk text that said something like, "just saw your best friend in Tampa, he's sooooo hottttt". What can I say, I keep it classy.

Since my friend had to work today (Saturday) we drove back early this morning and I was borderline still drunk/about to throw up the whole drive. Not a fun time. All in all, I had enough fun Friday night to even out any shittiness. I came home, passed out for seven hours and basically wasted my Saturday night. Which is probably a good thing since I didn't wanna die from alcohol poisoning this weekend.

Now I am officially exhausted and have so much that I wanna post about but not enough energy to have one clear thought, much less organize multiple ones. Birthday month will kill me..

Purpose

Lately, one thing has been on my mind a lot. Purpose.

pur·pose- noun
1.  the reason for which something is done, made, etc
2.  intention

That's a pretty clear definition, right? The reason something is made. What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why did God make me? It's driving me crazy to not have a clear, straightforward answer to these questions. Somehow, when I ask, all I hear is this, "You will see. Wait, and you will see". 22 years on this earth and I have to keep waiting around for answers? Patience sure is frustrating.

Purpose, as clearly stated, is also the reason something is done. In that case, what is the purpose of all the crap I've been going through lately. Something tells me it's about learning a lesson. Cuz, let's be honest, it's almost ALWAYS about learning a lesson. How annoying. I just wish I understood things sometimes. Like feelings. I just don't get em!

For instance, how can you know with all your heart that someone isn't good for you, have the evidence right in front of your face that you shouldn't be with this person, be almost disgusted with their very existence.. and still miss them somehow? I will never understand feelings. Maybe that's why I hesitate to have them.. who knows.

Tomorrow is a pretty big day for me work wise. I won't really say why because I'm feeling a little in a "don't jinx yourself" mood lately.. but hopefully all goes well. Not much else has happened since the weekend. It's been a pretty rough week with crazy weather, barely sleeping, and the guest appearances of some pretty annoying characters in my life. I'm going to Tampa with a friend this weekend and I honestly have no clue how THAT will turn out. If it's anywhere near the wonderful disaster I expect it to be.. look forward to an interesting post at the end of the weekend.

I'm trying something new in the relationship area. I'm giving the nice guy a chance. I'm not sure whether this is a good idea (since I deserve a nice guy) or a really terrible idea (considering the whole drama that just went down, leaving me in the emotional state of a hamster) but I know I need something good in my life. I've prayed about it and this is what I feel now : I've come as far as I can with healing my heart on my own.. now it's time to let love do the rest. No matter what happens, I will have a smile at the end of the day knowing I gave it a chance.

I keep thinking about something I heard once in couples counseling. Yes, couples counseling.. I know. This guy, Jeff, was explaining the difference between the way men and women think. Basically, women are driven by feelings. Our thoughts are a "big ball of wires" that are all attached. So, even when we think about something simple, like sex, there are feelings attached. Men, on the other hand, have a different way of thinking. Mens thoughts are like boxes. They think about one thing at a time and that's what's in the box. Like, let's go back to this example, sex. If a man is focused on, and thinking about, sex.. that's pretty much all he's thinking about. There aren't wires going around in his head thinking about feelings and emotions and romatic thoughts. No, they're thinking about sex and when/where/how they're gonna get it. When that thought is over, they close that box and move on to the next box. Which, in my experience, is usually food or sleep.

I guess this makes a lot of sense. Guys can just have sex without the feelings or attachment because they aren't "wired" to think that way. While women usually associate sex with feelings like love and affection, because that's just how our brains work. I guess I didn't really understand how true this was at the time but now it makes a lot of sense. That's not to say that guys can't have feelings attached to sex and other things. Everyone has feelings. But I definitely think men and women think in completely different ways.

I'm not really sure what made me think of that. I guess because I've just been trying to figure out my feelings lately. It never does me any good because I could spend hours dissecting my feeling and always end up back at square one. I'm learning that's it just easier to focus on what you know you SHOULD do that act on how you feel right away. Growing up is so annoying.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a productive week so far and doing better than I am making sense of life. Happy Thursday :)

Ice cream and cake and.. Bradley Cooper?

I never thought I'd say this.. but I'm so glad this weekend is over. Don't get me wrong, it has been GREAT. Amazing even. Friday night was one of the best nights I've EVER had out with friends. Add the fact that it was my birthday to that and I don't have a whole lot of complaints about it. I didn't get much sleep Friday night, so Saturday was a pretty lazy day and I didn't accomplish much. Some people came over that night and we hung out for a bit but I think everyone was just too tired from the night before to get wild. It was still a good time though. I did manage to get a few things done today but I've just been in a bummy mood all day. I'm not really sure why, I think I'm just overexhausted. (Is that a word?)

In order to get out of my bummy mood, I decided to text a friend to hang out. We went out for dessert, then to a movie. Apparently, ice cream is the cure for any and all things emotionally related. We saw "Limitless" with Bradley Cooper. If you haven't seen it yet, GO SEE IT. I'm always skeptical about going to see movies in theaters. One, because it's freakin expensive (especially if the movie ends up sucking) Two, because usually (mainly with funny movies) they show the good parts in the previews.. and those are the ONLY good parts. Movies are much like men, they just don't make em like they used to. Anyway, "Limitless", go see it.

I'm regretting eating ice cream at 9:30 at night. Even though I'm tired, I have these random bursts of energy and I don't see me getting much sleep tonight. This weekend, although good and crazy, also brought a lot of closure for me. I FINALLY (waaaaaay overdue) wrapped up the.. uhh, we'll call it an interaction. I'm done with the "non relationship/non friendship/over complicated and stupid" interaction from hell. I've spent a lot of time thinking about more changes I wanna make from here on out. I've had some moments of reflection on the past year. I just feel lighter, if that makes sense. All the small things that have been slowly piling on top of each other in the past few weeks, resulting in me being a walking ball of stress, just don't seem to matter anymore or have been taken care of.

I'm still a bit emotional but not for any specific reason other than I'm a girl and that's what we do, haha. I have to keep telling myself that it's because I'm tired and not to be dramatic. I seem to do much better when I'm honest, and a little mean, with myself. Funny how that works. Tomorrow is a new day and today's problems won't matter anymore :) Well.. actually it's already today, so today's problems do matter but.. okay whatever.

I guess I should probably at least attempt to sleep since I have to wake up early and pretend to be a responsible adult tomorrow. It's just not fair, why can I be 5 years old again? If only.. Happy Monday :)

They say every tear has it's reason

Remember my state of "I don't know"? Well, now I know. God sent me a wake up call that smacked me in the face, hard. Sometimes you have to look at yourself, look at how you love people, treat people, and realize that you deserve to be treated the same way. I'm not saying I've always been my nicest when it comes to guys. I don't make a habit out of hurting people though.

When I care about someone, I'm all in. I don't "fall", I jump. I jump, head and heart first, into it with everything I have. Because I don't think you can really love someone with half of your heart, not the right way at least. So, I think I deserve to be treated the exact same way. This person, he was so closed. Talk about not falling or jumping.. he wasn't even going close to the edge. Which is fine, I'm not one to push. But I've been through a lot in the last few years, relationship wise. I've REALLY thought and really prayed about what I want and especially what I don't want. I do NOT want someone who's emotionally confused.

For a long time, I was completely closed off to the idea of a relationship because I was just not ready. I carried around so much baggage and regret and anger from the past and I knew, until I could let that go and fix me, I didn't need to drag someone else into that. It's nice to love someone else, but you have to love yourself first. Am I completely fixed? No. Do I love myself? Yes. So, I'm ready. I'm not looking, I'm not blindly jumping off the edge.. but I'm ready if it happens.

Now here I am, in my state of "know". I know what I want, what I don't want, what I deserve. I'm okay being by myself until the right person comes along. I'm happy, I'm enjoying my life. And I trust that, at some point, God will send someone who's not only ready to jump too.. but ready to jump with me.

I don't know if he'll see this.. but if he does, this is all I have left to say:

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days.. I get a little bit stronger

Now, I've put him, and the past, in a box. I put the lid on and pushed it way back where it can get covered with new, happy memories. No more confusion, no more tears, just "know" :)

I've come to realize..

With birthday weekend successfully out of the way, I've decided to fill the rest of my weekend with working out, spring cleaning : round 2, and blogging! Today I was thinking about all the things I've learned in the last year, and throughout my life, and have decided to share with everyone. This is a little series of random facts that I like to call.. I'VE COME TO REALIZE.. enjoy :)

I've come to realize.. that money can't buy you happiness.

I've come to realize.. that some guys would rather buy the cow than get the milk for free.

I've come to realize.. old habits die hard.

I've come to realize.. it's a lot easier to say you're going to do something than to actually follow through with it. I've also come to realize that you gain more respect if you talk the talk AND walk the walk.

I've come to realize.. family is the one constant in my life. At the end of the day, if I feel like I have nothing else, I will always have a family who loves me.

I've come to realize.. just because you CAN be with someone, doesn't mean you should. Sometimes you have to understand that you deserve more and know when to walk away.

I've come to realize.. that taking the high road is hard but so, so worth it.

I've come to realize.. communication is just as important as trust in any relationship.

I've come to realize.. I will have friends that I don't talk to everyday but they will always be there for me.

I've come to realize.. I'm a much happier person when I put God first in everything I do.

I've come to realize.. I will change, grow, learn everyday.. but my roots and past will ALWAYS be a part of me. I will learn from my mistakes rather than dwelling on them and I will appreciate the good memories and not focus on the bad.

I've come to realize.. that I am a strong person but love makes me weak.

I've come to realize.. that sometimes I complain too much. I am so very blessed and should always look at the positive side of things.

I've come to realize.. some things never change.

I've come to realize.. sometimes people don't deserve second chances. Forgive, forget, move on.

I've come to realize.. the people closest to you, who you love the most, can sometimes hurt you the worst.

I've come to realize.. staying true to yourself is the only way to live. Don't break yourself trying to bend and fit into someone else's idea of what you should be. EMBRACE who you are, live it, love it!

I've come to realize.. the people who assume they deserve your time/energy, usually don't. The ones who appreciate it are worth it.

I've come to realize.. broken hearts always heal. Love will find a way.

So, there's that. Expect more of these posts, I like them :)