Purpose

Lately, one thing has been on my mind a lot. Purpose.

pur·pose- noun
1.  the reason for which something is done, made, etc
2.  intention

That's a pretty clear definition, right? The reason something is made. What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why did God make me? It's driving me crazy to not have a clear, straightforward answer to these questions. Somehow, when I ask, all I hear is this, "You will see. Wait, and you will see". 22 years on this earth and I have to keep waiting around for answers? Patience sure is frustrating.

Purpose, as clearly stated, is also the reason something is done. In that case, what is the purpose of all the crap I've been going through lately. Something tells me it's about learning a lesson. Cuz, let's be honest, it's almost ALWAYS about learning a lesson. How annoying. I just wish I understood things sometimes. Like feelings. I just don't get em!

For instance, how can you know with all your heart that someone isn't good for you, have the evidence right in front of your face that you shouldn't be with this person, be almost disgusted with their very existence.. and still miss them somehow? I will never understand feelings. Maybe that's why I hesitate to have them.. who knows.

Tomorrow is a pretty big day for me work wise. I won't really say why because I'm feeling a little in a "don't jinx yourself" mood lately.. but hopefully all goes well. Not much else has happened since the weekend. It's been a pretty rough week with crazy weather, barely sleeping, and the guest appearances of some pretty annoying characters in my life. I'm going to Tampa with a friend this weekend and I honestly have no clue how THAT will turn out. If it's anywhere near the wonderful disaster I expect it to be.. look forward to an interesting post at the end of the weekend.

I'm trying something new in the relationship area. I'm giving the nice guy a chance. I'm not sure whether this is a good idea (since I deserve a nice guy) or a really terrible idea (considering the whole drama that just went down, leaving me in the emotional state of a hamster) but I know I need something good in my life. I've prayed about it and this is what I feel now : I've come as far as I can with healing my heart on my own.. now it's time to let love do the rest. No matter what happens, I will have a smile at the end of the day knowing I gave it a chance.

I keep thinking about something I heard once in couples counseling. Yes, couples counseling.. I know. This guy, Jeff, was explaining the difference between the way men and women think. Basically, women are driven by feelings. Our thoughts are a "big ball of wires" that are all attached. So, even when we think about something simple, like sex, there are feelings attached. Men, on the other hand, have a different way of thinking. Mens thoughts are like boxes. They think about one thing at a time and that's what's in the box. Like, let's go back to this example, sex. If a man is focused on, and thinking about, sex.. that's pretty much all he's thinking about. There aren't wires going around in his head thinking about feelings and emotions and romatic thoughts. No, they're thinking about sex and when/where/how they're gonna get it. When that thought is over, they close that box and move on to the next box. Which, in my experience, is usually food or sleep.

I guess this makes a lot of sense. Guys can just have sex without the feelings or attachment because they aren't "wired" to think that way. While women usually associate sex with feelings like love and affection, because that's just how our brains work. I guess I didn't really understand how true this was at the time but now it makes a lot of sense. That's not to say that guys can't have feelings attached to sex and other things. Everyone has feelings. But I definitely think men and women think in completely different ways.

I'm not really sure what made me think of that. I guess because I've just been trying to figure out my feelings lately. It never does me any good because I could spend hours dissecting my feeling and always end up back at square one. I'm learning that's it just easier to focus on what you know you SHOULD do that act on how you feel right away. Growing up is so annoying.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a productive week so far and doing better than I am making sense of life. Happy Thursday :)