Earth to Heather..

Wow. I had the most intense dream. It was one of those dreams that just felt SO real. It involved a very long, very nice phone call with my ex (of course that was a dream) and I finally got very real with someone in my life that I've been secretly harboring some negative feelings about. The down side to the dream feeling so real is that when I woke up, after fighting with this person in my dream and FINALLY telling them off, I was REALLY pissed at this person. It took me a few minutes to realize that it didn't really happen. I'm not a huge "sign" person.. but this time I think I might consider the possibility of this meaning I need to have a talk with this person. At least so I feel a little better.

After finally calming down and not wanting to kill them.. I just randomly decided to check my horoscope. To me, they're kinda like fortune cookies. I don't really expect anything in them to actually happen, but I kinda like seeing how close they are to my life at the moment. Sometimes it's scary, like today:

For a while now, you've wanted to change something about your lifestyle or behavior toward the people you love, Aries. You want your life to go in a new direction, but you don't want to upset the people around you. Maybe your friends and family want the same thing for you. Do away with your preconceived notions about things and let yourself go with this idea.

This could not be more dead on. Another "sign" maybe? This is too much to think about within the first 15 minutes of being awake.

Speaking of being awake, I'm a little bummed that I'm awake before 2 p/m on a weekend. I hate being a grown up! When I was a teenager, I could sleep til 4 in the afternoon.. where have those days gone?! It probably has something to do with the fact that I was asleep before 11:30 last night like a total loser. But I was exhausted. I sure hope my life picks up in the crazy, "how am I even still functioning with all the madness going on right now?" way.. & soon!

So I'm awake. I blame the stupid bird outside my window that just kept cawing relentlessly. I kept rolling over, thinking, "shut up!" and he just kept on. When I finally reached the point of not being able to go back to sleep, he stopped. Figures. It's like he was saying, "You're awake. I win, bitch" I hate birds.

I think I'll go on an adventure today. I'm not sure where. But I need to do something other than work, laundry, clean, study, complain. I used to LOVE just waking up in the morning, packing a bag and taking off somewhere for the day. Even just thinking about it makes me smile.. awesome mood, here I come :)

Strip me

Today was going so great. I had to be at work at 7:30, on only 3 hours of sleep, but I only had to work 3.5 hours at the annoying job. Then off to the fun job (a month ago, I never would have IMAGINED I'd be calling it "fun" or preferring it over anything else) It probably helped that I was drinking mountain dew like a crack addict all morning. For whatever reason, my spirits were high this morning and I was finally in a normal, bubbly, happy mood.

Then I called the annoying job to get my work schedule for next week. I was pretty excited to find out I got Monday off.. until I heard that I had to work 10 hours everyday for the rest of the week. For some reason, I just lost my shit. Probably because I've been sick, running on 3 hours of sleep, coming down off a mtn dew high, and the thought of how exhausted I'm gonna be next week is already making me wanna pull my flippin hair out. I'm probably being a tad dramatic. At the same time, I don't think anyone really realizes that 10 hours at this job is not the same as 10 hours at a normal job. If I had even the option to take an hour break and escape, it might be different. But I don't. Therefore, it sucks.

But what-the-hell-EVER. It's Friday and I'm gonna sleep myself stupid this weekend. I hope.

I heard this song last night and somehow it just seemed relevant to my life. Even if it's not, I like it. If you don't.. I don't care :)

Happy Friday!


Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little awards
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things I don’t need
That’s like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
Ill be alright
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

I dont need a microphone
To say what I been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
Thats always on eleven
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away

If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
I’m still the same
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

Cuz when it all boils down
At the end of the day
Its what you do and say
That makes you who you are
Makes you think about,
Think about it
Doesn’t it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

Mood: ThankGodThisWeekIsOVER
Listening to: Strip Me - Natasha Bedingfield

If you ever loved somebody, put ya hands up..

I can't believe I'm about to compare my life to Jersey Shore. New low? If you're not familiar with the show you probably won't know what I'm talking about. You also won't know how low my new low is.. which is good for me, I guess.

In this particular episode, Sam & Ronnie get in a fight (big shocker there) and she decides to leave the house. And he says, "you're just gonna walk away from all of this?"

For some reason, this reminded me of my ex. Normally, I despise things that remind me of him. Except this was like one of those moments where you're watching someone else go through something that you went through and you want so badly to say, "I was where you're at.. look at me! I survived, I got over it.. you can too!"

He even put me in the same situation. He hurt me, then made ME feel like the bad guy for "walking away". Even said almost the same thing, "So, you're just gonna leave?" which turned into a fight, as always. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I wish I would have said this:

"Yes, I am going to leave. I am going to take my things, wish you well, and walk out of that door. Knowing that I did everything possible to make things right with you. I have tried time and time again to "fix" things, to make you happy, to become who you want me to be instead of who I really am. I am done trying, I am leaving, because YOU are toxic to me, to my life. Goodbye.."

I didn't say that though. I tried to "fix" things again. I let him break me down a little more, allowed him to blame everything on me. Yeah, I guess it WAS my fault you cheated on me. Cuz if I was "there" for you, you never would have turned to someone else. Maybe if you had been "there" for me.. I would have felt more compelled to do the same. I get that it's in the past now. But sometimes those "things I never said" really get to me. Maybe that's why, instead of silently taking the blame for anything now, I'm defensive and fight to be heard. Cuz I've always had to.

I realize I'm not great with feelings. There's a reason for that. But I'm dealing with it. Granted, alcohol and breaking hearts might not have been the best form of "dealing" but it worked at the time. Lately I've just felt so much more at peace with everything, feelings included. I have this dark-cloud-over-my-head feeling that shit's about to get messy in the feelings department. Great.

Aside from my little random self realizations.. tonight was pretty great. I'm not gonna blog about it because I wouldn't know where to start. But I will blog about the dumbest conversation I've had (this week) with my best friend:

"So, I don't know why it bothers me.. but he 'poked' me on facebook. And he's poking other girls too! And, like, they're not even hot girls. I'm not going around poking tons of people. If you're gonna poke other bitches, they at least need to be hot. It's just annoying"

"Ohh.. facebook drama"

..and then a bunch of random talking about 'poking' people and how annoying it is to get in 'poking wars' with them. I wonder if 'poking' or facebook are gonna be around when I have kids. I bet one day I'll be telling them, "Well, one day, daddy poked mommy on facebook and then.."

Smh. I need sleep. Weekend = more eventful posts, promise :)

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Theory of a Deadman - Not Meant to Be (Only cuz it's on the radio, I swear I'm not being depressing right now!)

Is this real life?

Ohhh my gosh! Second day of working 10 hours with no break.. is it really only Tuesday? Short day tomorrow and I. CAN'T. WAIT!

On an extremely happy note.. I MIGHT be getting another job again. I know, I just got this one.. but I'll be making WAY more money, working less hours, and NO BABIES. What whaaaat! Much, much thanks to Amanda, my hero of the week!

Today wasn't terrible but that news definitely put me in a better mood. I actually managed to get a little sleep last night so today didn't seem to last forever. Well, yeah it did.. but at least I wasn't practically falling asleep all day. I'll probably be up all night tonight since I slept so much. I also kinda don't care if I'm tired tomorrow since I only work like 4.5 hours at one job, then drive to another one (which I can totally do nothing at) and actually have a calm day. I'm still sick but I'm happy so I don't even care.

I'm thinking about adding videos to my blog. When my life actually gets interesting again, obviously.


So, obviously that was on Tuesday. What a shittastic couple of days this has been. On Tuesday night, I got sick. VERY sick. Luckily, I have a great mom (who drives me ABSOLUTELY insane) that realizes what a huge baby I turn into when I'm sick. After throwing up for 2 hours and me passing out on the bathroom floor, she drove an hour to come take care of me. After 6 more hours of throwing up, we chalked it up to food poisoning and suffered through the next day.

I haven't been to work in 2 days, which has been nice but also kinda sucks. I'm dreading going in tomorrow. Especially since I think I'll have to tell my boss I got another job. This has been a rough week, I'm so glad it's almost over. Jersey shore tonight with the crew, I need this :)

Death

I am officially sick. Probably food poisoning. Feels more like dying a slow, painful death. Ugh.

I get a little bit stronger

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

I should be asleep. Since I have to be up in less than 5 hours and I'm STILL sick. As usual, when I need to sleep, I can't. There are worse problems to have I guess..

This weekend was pretty great. Nothing crazy happened. Which is, I think, what made it so nice for a change. Aside from being sick, I've been in a kinda blah mood lately. Probably due to extreme stress and lack of sleep. It was nice to have down time without worrying about being somewhere in 5 minutes or making someone happy.

Saturday the weather wasn't great so I went shopping then to dinner and a movie with my best friend. It was calm (somewhat.. aside from the random outbursts of laughter and "retard dances" because we're idiots) and totally drama free. After, we watched another movie at home. I made a good choice regarding a stupid guy, we had a nice pep talk, I blogged and finally passed out around 4 a/m. And today, Sunday, I spent time with my family and watched football. Even though this weekend was relaxing and I finally got a little rest.. I'm STILL not ready for Monday :( I don't know that I'll EVER be ready for a Monday.

I think my last post was very therapeutic for me. I needed to get that out. Even just reading it again makes me feel better. I don't have a perfect plan for my life. I'm not on the fast track to success. But I'm happy. I'm making the most of right now. And that makes me smile. That's really all I ever want for myself, happiness and to make the most of everyday. Sick, tired, stressed.. I'm still pretty happy right now :)

Mood: Content
Listening to: NOTHING, CUZ I NEED TO BE ASLEEP!
(But if I was listening to a song.. it would be:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk)

-Okay, I lied. Now I'm listening to that song. And thennn.. sleep :)

Reflection

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. About my goals, plans for my life. And he said, "I didn't realize you had your shit together and planned out like that" Yeah, most people don't know that about me. I guess because most people don't really "know" me.

I'm not really on the same path as most people my age, as most of my friends. Looking back, I never really was. I've always been one to do things my own way and figure things out for myself. Trial and error, rather than learning from someone else's mistakes.

I'm not in school right now. Not because I'm stupid or because I'm a slacker. Because, honestly, I don't see the point in wasting the time or money when my heart just isn't in it. When I was in art school in SC, I threw myself into it. It was what I wanted to do, it was my passion, something I loved. And I did great. I don't feel that right now. I WANT to throw myself entirely into school and my career.. someday. Right now, I wanna be young and live my life. I still think education is important. And eventually, I'll get done with school when the time is right for ME.

That doesn't mean I'm not still learning. Education is important.. but so is experience. I'm learning what it means to struggle. Which, luckily, I have never had to do before. What have I learned about struggling, about barely getting by? IT. SUCKS. Plain and simple. But it's worth it. Because that feeling of knowing that I can support myself and stand on my own two feet.. you can't learn that in a classroom. I learn something new every single day. So, even if I'm not in school, I'm officially taking "Life Lessons 101"

As much as I hate bringing him into my life now.. this post reminds me of a conversation, one of the last, that I had with my ex. He told me that I was "too independent" and no one would ever want me because of it. That no one wanted to be with someone who didn't need them. For a while, I believed him. Until I realized what I wanted in someone. I don't want someone who NEEDS to be with me.. I want someone who WANTS to be with me, who chooses me over everyone else. Not someone who needs me for emotional, financial, or any other kind of support. Someone who simply chooses to love me because of who I am. I also learned that there are people, like him, that need to be needed. His problem with me wasn't that I was "too independent". It was that he wanted a doormat, which I most definitely am not. Your loss, buddy.

Yes, I am independent. I have never thought of that as a bad thing and probably never will. I have had an EXTREMELY blessed life. I've been spoiled beyond belief and given/experienced more than most people could even imagine. And I'm so grateful for it. But I wanted, and needed, to know how it felt to do things for myself. Now I'm figuring that out one day at a time. Truth? It's hard. Sometimes REALLY hard. At times, I've had more money than I knew what to do with. I've also been so broke that I lived off of ramen noodles for an entire week. I always thought "broke college kid" was kind of an empty stereotype. Everyone joked about being broke and barely making ends meet but it never really happened, not to me or my friends. Hello, wake up call. It happens.

Even though it's been a long process, I'm learning to balance being young and being responsible. Yeah, I've spent a ton of money partying and hanging out with my friends. But I've made amazing memories and had awesome times with wonderful people. I can never get these years back. One day when I'm married, with kids, an SUV, and the white picket fence.. I won't think, "I shouldn't have wasted all that money when I was younger" I will think, "Thank God I LIVED. Thank God I was young and stupid. Thank God I had to struggle.. because now I so appreciate everything I have"

I'm on my own path. I still have hopes, goals, dreams. I'm just enjoying getting there. I'm living in the moment, this moment.. that, I fear, will pass by way too quickly.

Totally unrelated.. I have officially ended things with "K". If you can call it ending when it never really started. Anyway, it's over. I realized that I want something more. I deserve something more. I want someone in my life that I care about, who cares about me. Not someone that makes me their entire life, but that shares my life with me and appreciates who I am.. flaws and all. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. But I'm never gonna be ready as long as I'm wasting energy on losers that aren't worth it. Especially when we both know it's not going anywhere. Maybe it'll suck not having someone to come over at 2 a/m, even just to sleep next to me. But I think I need to be lonely. I need to miss having someone. Then, when I'm ready and that person does come along, I'll appreciate what I have so much more.

I think I might be growing up. Not gonna lie, it kinda scares the shit out of me. But I'm happy. I'm not holding anything back, I'm not missing out on anything. I'm waking up, most days, looking forward to what's next for me. I'm moving on, excited for something new.. this is gonna be good :)