Confession

I haven't blogged in a while and I don't really know why. I have so much going on in my life right now.. but for some reason, every single time I log on and find myself face-to-face with this blank screen, I'm at a loss for words. I guess I've done such a good job at keeping everything bottled up inside lately that it just doesn't wanna come out now. At some point, I know it will.. and chances are it won't be pretty.

It seems like everything that's happened has been over the span of several months, not just 14 days. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like everything has come together, exactly as I wanted it to be. I have a new, grown up job that I LOVE. I'm finally learning who should, and shouldn't be, a part of my life. I'm starting to figure out how to do this growing up thing. After a long and extremely hard year of joy, pain, changes, loss.. I'm finally where I've wanted to be. Aside from being finished with school, I've basically accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish for myself. I have everything I wanted. So why do I have this sinking feeling? Why does it feel like something is missing?

I don't want to complain or sound ungrateful.. especially now. I know that I am SO blessed. I have seen and done more in my short life than most people even imagine. Every single day I wake up healthy, with a supporting family that never fails to show me love or praise my achievements. I have most everything I could ever want and more than I need. Yet, somehow, there's this emptiness that just won't go away. Like a hole inside of me that nothing can fill.

That's hard for me to say. I don't like to be sad, especially not publicly. I WANT to be happy, always, and I want to bring positive energy to other people. How can you do that when you have all this dark, heavy, negative weight on the inside.. dragging you down? It's not like I'm always sad, walking around crying all the time, or anything. I hang out with my friends, laugh, smile, enjoy my life. In fact, most of the time, I'm pretty content. I really have no reason not to be. I have good days and bad days just like everyone. Yes, most of the time, I'm okay.

The rest of the time.. I'm not. It's hard to explain. It's almost like this force, taking over my body and leaving me totally drained. When I'm in this state, I am either sad or just totally numb. And no matter what I do, how hard I pray for it to stop, it doesn't go away. It's not a moment of self pity.. I realize that I have SO much to be happy for. It's not just hormones or an emotional reaction to something. It's this constant feeling of "I'm sad and I don't know why". Sometimes so sad that it's painful and causes me to be physically sick.

It's extremely hard for me to talk about this, even to people close to me. I guess part of the reason is because I haven't wanted to admit it. I hate being weak. I hate feeling frustrated or helpless. I don't want to EVER need help. But maybe I do.. maybe there's strength in accepting your weaknesses. Maybe talking about it will shed some light on where these feelings are coming from, or help me to deal with them. Sometimes they're so overwhelming that "dealing" with them seems impossible. I wanted to "put it all out there" for the purpose of figuring out more about myself.. maybe this is the next step.

I don't know where to go from here. But I know that I haven't give up yet.. and that has to be a good sign, right?