Third time's a charm?

Yes, I know, I'm obsessively posting today. My brain is working on overload or something and I can't. stop. thinking! Maybe I should try to write a book, then it would stop.

Anyway, I had a pretty awful day. It started bad, got better, then got worse. Until I came home, ate way too much random food, and walked/ran for like 4 or 5 miles with a friend. I think I vented about everything possible and felt much better. Although I did almost get run over by other people running like 4 times. Did you know it's apparently sidewalk etiquette to yell, "coming up.. on your left/right" to people when you're running? Well, apparently it is. So, now you know.. thank me later. I feel so much better when I actually do something productive with my time. I also sleep like a baby which is SO nice after weeks of 3 hour "naps" in place of sleep. I didn't even go home and scream the f word 40 times like I thought I would. I guess my awful day had an alright end. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, right? Even the awful ones :)

I guess I should get around to the real reason for this post. A friend tagged me in this and I thought I'd share. Lucky you!

There's really nothing to say about it.. pretty much sums itself up. Earlier, I started thinking about my blog. Mainly how much I've changed even since the first couple of posts. Then I realized.. I only started this less than 2 months ago. Have I really changed, grown up, that much in 2 months? Is that even possible? In a way, I don't think this blog has turned out to be what I expected it to. Oddly, I'm really grateful for it. One, because I never realized there are people out there that can actually relate to me on some level, and Two, because really.. who doesn't love to just complain about life sometimes? It's kinda nice to just bitch it out and be done with it. Reading back on it always makes me more thankful for the good days.

If you wasted minutes of your precious life reading this, I apologize :) Happy (almost) Tuesday everyone!

Nothing is wrong when it comes from the heart

I had the weirdest dream last night. That "K" found my blog, then started his own blog to blog about mine. It was one of those dreams that feel so real you actually wake up feeling the emotions from the dream. For a minute, I was tempted to text him. Then I remembered how well ignoring people, and insignificant feelings about people, works for me. Three cheers for bitchy tendencies.

Today is getting somewhat better. Knowing that I never have to step foot in my horrible place of previous employment is like a huge, annoying weight lifted off my shoulders. At least that's one less thing to complain about now, right?

Alright, time for "I don't believe in these but now I read them everyday and it's so scary how closely they relate to my life that I'm actually starting to think they're true" horoscope time! Get excited! You got excited, didn't you?

Today, Aries, you may think about competition and possible future goals. Imagining and dreaming can serve you well. What did you dream about as a kid? Who did you want to become? Are you close to this in your life now? If not, is this all right for you? Take time to think such things through and, if need be, get back on the right track.

Well that's confusing. I guess if I look back on where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.. no, I'm not there. But I am starting to be happy with where I'm at. I might not be moving at the moment but I DO think I'm on the right track. Or on a track, at least. To where, I don't know.. but hey, life's a mystery. If I knew what was gonna happen tomorrow, that would ruin today.

I'm pretty content right now. I'm doing (somewhat) better at being financial responsible, I don't party all the time, and I actually have my priorities in order.. the right order. Growing up is so weird. Don't get me wrong, there's still a WHOLE lotta crazy left in me. I just don't feel the need to exhibit it quite so often and quite so.. extremely? I just feel happy and at peace. Everything's gonna be okay :)

Quote of the day: "Now that it's all over, what did you really do yesterday that's worth mentioning?"
-Coleman Cox

Soundtrack to My Life

It's depressing how much I relate to this song:

Kid Cudi - Soundtrack to My Life

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pourin' outta me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life
The soundtrack to my life

This morning has started terribly. I'm sick and will probably lose my voice by tomorrow. But whateverrr. I hope today gets better.

Too little, too late

So, here I am.. right back in this situation I promised I wouldn't get myself in again. I let someone back in, against my better judgement. And even though I haven't broken, I haven't given in, I'm still freakin frustrated!

They seem to be trying a lot harder this time. Actually, the word I would use is relentless. Which, in a way, almost makes it easier for me to reject. You didn't wanna put that effort forth last time? But it's okay because you do now? Guess what.. too damn bad. You had your chance and now it's gone. I haven't lost anything from this. I hear you're a "great friend" anyway. We'll see about that.

This probably sounds bitter. It's really not though. I'm just fed up with second, third, fourth and fifth chances. Not everyone deserves them. I can let go of the negative feelings but that is not, in any way, justifying or excusing someone doing me wrong. Forgive and forget, relive and regret. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice.. you get the point. There will be no fooling me twice. I've given up on second chances.

This weekend ended up being pretty great after all. Today was a beautiful day and I spent most of it with great friends. I feel really lucky to have them. I wish everyday could be like today. We did a lot of stupid, silly stuff that isn't even worth blogging about. I made dumb choices. What's new there? All in all, I'm happy. Back to the daily grind tomorrow. I dread it a lot less now :)

I Know

This isn't one of my typical posts. I actually never thought I'd EVER be posting about this. But something has really been weighing on my heart lately and I guess it needs to come out. I have faith. I am a Christian. I don't hide it but lately I haven't been very great at showing it either. I've had some pretty bad experiences with, and examples of, "Christians". I guess it's made me bitter towards the idea of faith in general. I believe in God, in being a good person, and living your life to the fullest. I don't take my faith to extremes because I, personally, don't believe that's what faith is about. I would never force my beliefs on someone, whether it be about God or about the best brand of toothpaste. It's just not who I am. You do your thing and I'll do mine. Would I share my ideas and opinions with someone? Sure. But my relationship with God is personal, it is mine. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it or says about it.. it comes down to what I know and feel, in my heart, to be true.

I heard this song and it really just stuck with me. It's kinda how I feel right now I guess.. so, enjoy :)

Where do I begin with what to say?
I've played this conversation in my head so many times
I'm certainly not claiming to know everything
but what I do will save your life

I know, I know that God is able
I know, I know that He still reigns
I know, I know that love has found a way

No matter what it is you're going through
even if you think you're far beyond where hope can see
I know there is a hand that's reaching out for you
because He did the same for me

It wasn't that long ago
when my own world fell apart, it fell apart
and everything here inside of me said to let go
you must let go

I found myself crying out
to the One who knows my heart
He knows your heart
and holding tight to the few things that I know

I know, I know.. that love has found a way


Listening to: I Know - MercyMe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=189yCdO2hk0

When I wish upon a star..

What a week! So far I've worked over 20 hours in the last two days. Which doesn't seem like that much when I say it but, to my body, it feels like a LOT. I've had such a mix of emotions this week. At the beginning of the week I got some bad (also, in a way, good) news in the mail. It had me kinda bummed but in a bittersweet way. Then, I had a great night of conversation with a friend and felt a million times better despite everything that's been going on lately. I also got a text from someone that I swore I'd keep in the past. For some reason, that I've yet to figure out, I decided to let this person back in. I've set boundaries for myself this time though.. I really hope I don't regret this.

So, I know I said I didn't put too much stock in horoscopes.. but I always think it's really interesting when they fit what's going on in my life. This is mine for today:

There's a conservative veil over your emotions, Aries. Issues from the past might arise and rub you the wrong way. You move onward and upward by nature, plowing ahead without thinking of the consequences. Today you might be a bit more sober than usual. Look at what's worked in the past in terms of keeping your fiery emotions intact. Try not to resent the past but learn from it.

Issues from the past have ABSOLUTELY rubbed me the wrong way this week. Yesterday, in particular. I got a really rude text, hateful almost. It hurt my feelings because I've been trying SO hard to be civil with this person and be a mature adult during any interactions with them. And I couldn't understand why they felt the need to be intentionally hurtful to me. Instead of sinking to their level, I politely ended the conversation and tried to put it past me. I should start doing this with anything negative in life. Face it with my head held high and smile through whatever emotions I'm feeling inside. I'm starting to think feelings aren't so bad.. but there's a time and place for them. Especially the negative ones.

During my conversation with my friend, she said something that I've heard before.. but really makes sense right now: "Maybe it's not about finding the right person. Maybe it's about being the right person.."

I'm not looking for the "right" person. I'm not looking for any person. Mainly because I'm too busy right now for myself, much less someone else. But I can honestly say that I'm learning how to "fix" myself. I've been broken and now I'm learning to be whole again. One day at a time. I guess it's a mix between growing up and realizing what I deserve.

My life is not perfect. But right now.. I am perfectly happy.

Happy happy, joy joy!

Today was good. No, today was GREAT.

I had the day off from the job I'm starting to despise, signed up for the gym, got my fitness on with a friend, had yummy sushi & hours of GREAT conversation. I got things off my chest and got a lot of really great advice. That I'm actually planning on taking for a change. Something is different. I just.. feel good. Like my body, my heart, my feelings. Everything feels good. I'm just happy in a way that I can't explain.

And everything in me just wants to shout, "Thank you God! I am SO blessed!" I really, really am. It makes me feel so silly about complaining so much lately. I have so much to be happy and rejoice for! Thank you, God :)

I am happy.