So I've completely been slacking on the blogfront lately. I'm gonna have to do a long catch up post when I'm on my computer and not my phone. Annnnnyway.. I am currently on a mini road trip, to Tennessee I think, with my boyfriend. Weird, right? A month ago, I never would have thought I'd even want a boyfriend. I definitely didn't think I would be at the point with someone that I'd want to spend 3 days straight with them. But I am absolutely, undeniably, totally and completely happy. It's about damn time.
We decided to spend our 3 day, 4th of July weekend out of town.. we didn't make any plans, just packed and left town (it was even his idea, which makes me so incredibly happy because I love spontaneity!) Other than me totally NOT being a morning person and him being crazy hyper.. it's been great so far.
I couldn't be happier :)
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Good
Today was a good day. I guess I should say today IS a good day, though, since it's not over yet. So.. today is a good day. Aside from the little "surge" of emotions here and there, I've been in a pretty good mood today. I spent part of the afternoon at the river with my family, went for a boat ride, and just "lazed" (I need to start using my made up words more) around for a bit. Then I came home, changed clothes and went to the gym. I've decided to extend my "new chapter"/fresh start thing to every aspect of my life, including fitness. I set this goal for myself a while ago but I never really took the time to follow through with it. I've been doing a lot better lately and I'm proud of myself.
So, fingers crossed that nothing comes up, I'm planning on going to Charleston next weekend to look at apartments. I'm not sure what got into me, other than this rush of awkward emotions, and lit the fire under me to finally follow through with my plans to move. I guess I've just been feeling kinda "stuck" lately and I need a change. I'm excited for this. I'm not sure what I'll do when I get there but that's half the fun. Even though I DO know some people there I don't know enough that it will just feel like the same old thing. Besides, my plan is to meet new people and really put myself out there this time to every possibility. I've never moved somewhere new without a boyfriend or having a boyfriend back home and I think it will be good to be in a "new" place with no restrictions. Worst case scenario I'll be lonely and visit home a lot.. 5 hours isn't so far away.
I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I'm not sad, I'm not overly happy.. I just feel good. It's like I've found something inside myself that keeps saying "don't be afraid to do what you want or ask for what you want, do it.. take it.."
It's nice to be back in this place again.. I've missed good :)
So, fingers crossed that nothing comes up, I'm planning on going to Charleston next weekend to look at apartments. I'm not sure what got into me, other than this rush of awkward emotions, and lit the fire under me to finally follow through with my plans to move. I guess I've just been feeling kinda "stuck" lately and I need a change. I'm excited for this. I'm not sure what I'll do when I get there but that's half the fun. Even though I DO know some people there I don't know enough that it will just feel like the same old thing. Besides, my plan is to meet new people and really put myself out there this time to every possibility. I've never moved somewhere new without a boyfriend or having a boyfriend back home and I think it will be good to be in a "new" place with no restrictions. Worst case scenario I'll be lonely and visit home a lot.. 5 hours isn't so far away.
I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I'm not sad, I'm not overly happy.. I just feel good. It's like I've found something inside myself that keeps saying "don't be afraid to do what you want or ask for what you want, do it.. take it.."
It's nice to be back in this place again.. I've missed good :)
Saturday, June 18, 2011
These thoughts, all these thoughts..
You know what I don't understand? Well, other than people who have foot fetishes or wear socks with sandals.. I don't understand the way emotions work. I don't understand why, as humans, we can't just be happy with what we have. Or at least toss it aside and find something else to be happy with.
Exhibit A: Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy but in a different way. Boy waits a really long time to be with girl. Girl decides to give boy a chance. Boy is happy. Girl is not feeling the same way as boy so girl ends things with boy. Boy is sad. Girl knows this is the best decision. Boy says goodbye. Girl wants boy back.
What the heck?! Before I start ranting.. let me continue on with this little scenario. Alright, boy is gone and girl wants him back. Boy comes back and girl is happy. Boy wants to spend time with girl. Girl wants to be alone pretty much ALL the time. Boy gets upset. Girl ends it. Boy is sad but goes away again. Girl, who did not want boy, wants boy back.
This, obviously, is just a hypothetical situation (that, obviously, is a lie) but this whole scenario blows my mind. Why do we want what we can't have? Or why don't we just want what we CAN have when we HAVE it?! I hate this. I hate feelings and emotions with every fiber of my being. Yes, I realize that hate is a feeling and I hate it too.
Whatever it is that takes over.. that little thing there in the back of our minds when our head is saying, "you know this is the right thing, you need to let go" Yeah, you know that thing I'm talking about? Well.. I DO NOT LIKE IT. It's like the head is fighting the heart. For every logical explanation the head comes up with for why you shouldn't do/want/feel something, the heart just counteracts that. But not in simple debate form, no. The heart is a tricky little bastard and pulls out all these memories that you didn't even know you had. Completely irrelevant memories that meant so little at the time that you didn't even notice, or care enough to file them away, but now they're all you think about. The heart attaches every song, whether happy or sad, to that person and keeps replaying those obnoxious songs over and over in your head. The heart makes you type long, heartfelt letters to that person and pour out everything you have. Then, when your head tells you to destroy that letter and never actually send it, the heart makes you wait a day and do it all over again. I'm not sure what I dislike most.. the heart for feeling all this crap in the first place or the head for not being stubborn enough to tell the heart no. It's that simple. It should be anyway. Just say no. Even when it feels like your heart is being ripped into a million tiny pieces, your whole body just feels empty and numb, and you can't think about anything else.. JUST. SAY. NO.
It's simple.. right?
Oh well.. moving on. Tomorrow (technically today) is father's day. I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family. I just wish it wasn't Sunday already. I feel like the weekends go by so much faster than they used to. I dislike that almost as much as the heart. Anyway, I should have some pretty interesting posts coming up if this week plays out anything like I expect it to. Fair warning, a few will probably be containing more angry rants from me about feelings. Disregard this, I'm feeling highly emotional at this time. Nothing the right amount of drugs, alcohol and sex can't fix. Just kidding. Seriously though, I'm kidding.
Pants on, feelings off. Happypants out!
Exhibit A: Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy but in a different way. Boy waits a really long time to be with girl. Girl decides to give boy a chance. Boy is happy. Girl is not feeling the same way as boy so girl ends things with boy. Boy is sad. Girl knows this is the best decision. Boy says goodbye. Girl wants boy back.
What the heck?! Before I start ranting.. let me continue on with this little scenario. Alright, boy is gone and girl wants him back. Boy comes back and girl is happy. Boy wants to spend time with girl. Girl wants to be alone pretty much ALL the time. Boy gets upset. Girl ends it. Boy is sad but goes away again. Girl, who did not want boy, wants boy back.
This, obviously, is just a hypothetical situation (that, obviously, is a lie) but this whole scenario blows my mind. Why do we want what we can't have? Or why don't we just want what we CAN have when we HAVE it?! I hate this. I hate feelings and emotions with every fiber of my being. Yes, I realize that hate is a feeling and I hate it too.
Whatever it is that takes over.. that little thing there in the back of our minds when our head is saying, "you know this is the right thing, you need to let go" Yeah, you know that thing I'm talking about? Well.. I DO NOT LIKE IT. It's like the head is fighting the heart. For every logical explanation the head comes up with for why you shouldn't do/want/feel something, the heart just counteracts that. But not in simple debate form, no. The heart is a tricky little bastard and pulls out all these memories that you didn't even know you had. Completely irrelevant memories that meant so little at the time that you didn't even notice, or care enough to file them away, but now they're all you think about. The heart attaches every song, whether happy or sad, to that person and keeps replaying those obnoxious songs over and over in your head. The heart makes you type long, heartfelt letters to that person and pour out everything you have. Then, when your head tells you to destroy that letter and never actually send it, the heart makes you wait a day and do it all over again. I'm not sure what I dislike most.. the heart for feeling all this crap in the first place or the head for not being stubborn enough to tell the heart no. It's that simple. It should be anyway. Just say no. Even when it feels like your heart is being ripped into a million tiny pieces, your whole body just feels empty and numb, and you can't think about anything else.. JUST. SAY. NO.
It's simple.. right?
Oh well.. moving on. Tomorrow (technically today) is father's day. I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family. I just wish it wasn't Sunday already. I feel like the weekends go by so much faster than they used to. I dislike that almost as much as the heart. Anyway, I should have some pretty interesting posts coming up if this week plays out anything like I expect it to. Fair warning, a few will probably be containing more angry rants from me about feelings. Disregard this, I'm feeling highly emotional at this time. Nothing the right amount of drugs, alcohol and sex can't fix. Just kidding. Seriously though, I'm kidding.
Pants on, feelings off. Happypants out!
Chapter 2
I haven't blogged in a long time. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same.. it's weird. I've been up and down, back and forth with the same relationship for a little while now and it's been taking a toll on me. I can finally say, with total confidence in my decision, it's over. Honestly, I've learned a lot about myself and what I truly want in this whole process. While I'll always love this person, and always hold out hope that he can go back to being one of my best friends someday, he just wasn't "the one". Of course, hurting him hurts me but I have this peace inside of me now that tells me I made the right choice. I know God has a plan for me. I don't know what it is or where it's gonna take me.. but I know I have to do everything in my power to follow that plan, no matter what.
The wonderful job that I fell in love with from the start is proving to be anything but wonderful now. I really like the job itself but the drama from a specific person at said job is just insane. The last 2 weeks have been filled with drama and tension beyond anything I've ever seen. I thought getting a "grown up job" meant I might actually be working with grown ups. Boy, was I wrong! I have, for the most part, been able to get over the drama and not sweat the small stuff. After all, I have bills to pay and I don't go to work to play with my friends. At the end of the day, I leave the drama there and try to come home happy. Some days, I succeed. Other days I fail miserably. It's a work in progress.
For the most part, I'm pretty content. I've set a time frame for some things I want to achieve and I feel like everyday I'm just counting down to those moments. As frustrating as that is, it gives me something to look forward to and I can't complain about that.
One thing really weighing on my heart lately is how much I miss my family. There are moments when I feel so far away, so disconnected. This happens mostly when I get wrapped up in the drama and stress myself to the point of no return. Sometimes I don't feel like myself anymore and I find myself just longing to be around the people that keep me grounded and remind me to stay true to myself. I guess it's pretty easy to take your family for granted sometimes but life has a way of forcing you to think about what really matters. I'm blessed to have an amazing, supportive family. Especially in times like that.
I heard a quote the other day and even though I can't remember it word for word, I took a lot away from it. Basically it said that life is like a book, you have good chapters and you have bad. Well, I'm turning the page in my book. I've come to the end of a chapter filled with insecurity, doubt, and sadness. It's time to start creating a new chapter and that's exactly what I intend to do. I feel confident, powerful, in charge of my life for the first time in.. well, ever. I know what I want and I have the motivation and determination to get it all. I'm done taking life one step at a time.. I'm jumping, skipping, running head-on into life, full force. I'm alive, on fire, full of the will to just live. I can't wait to see where God will take me :)
The wonderful job that I fell in love with from the start is proving to be anything but wonderful now. I really like the job itself but the drama from a specific person at said job is just insane. The last 2 weeks have been filled with drama and tension beyond anything I've ever seen. I thought getting a "grown up job" meant I might actually be working with grown ups. Boy, was I wrong! I have, for the most part, been able to get over the drama and not sweat the small stuff. After all, I have bills to pay and I don't go to work to play with my friends. At the end of the day, I leave the drama there and try to come home happy. Some days, I succeed. Other days I fail miserably. It's a work in progress.
For the most part, I'm pretty content. I've set a time frame for some things I want to achieve and I feel like everyday I'm just counting down to those moments. As frustrating as that is, it gives me something to look forward to and I can't complain about that.
One thing really weighing on my heart lately is how much I miss my family. There are moments when I feel so far away, so disconnected. This happens mostly when I get wrapped up in the drama and stress myself to the point of no return. Sometimes I don't feel like myself anymore and I find myself just longing to be around the people that keep me grounded and remind me to stay true to myself. I guess it's pretty easy to take your family for granted sometimes but life has a way of forcing you to think about what really matters. I'm blessed to have an amazing, supportive family. Especially in times like that.
I heard a quote the other day and even though I can't remember it word for word, I took a lot away from it. Basically it said that life is like a book, you have good chapters and you have bad. Well, I'm turning the page in my book. I've come to the end of a chapter filled with insecurity, doubt, and sadness. It's time to start creating a new chapter and that's exactly what I intend to do. I feel confident, powerful, in charge of my life for the first time in.. well, ever. I know what I want and I have the motivation and determination to get it all. I'm done taking life one step at a time.. I'm jumping, skipping, running head-on into life, full force. I'm alive, on fire, full of the will to just live. I can't wait to see where God will take me :)
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Weekend
I don't even know where to start.. the past week was a little rough. I have to say it did go by pretty quickly but it was still just stressful enough to make me wanna pull my hair out at the end of every day. Next weekend will be a 3 day weekend for me, which means the week is probably gonna drag by at a glacial pace. Oh well.
This weekend was a disaster to say the least. Saturday night I had agreed to go to a bachelorette party with a friend, as moral support. Her new husband's ex was going to be there and I guess she felt like she might need backup in case, for lack of better words, shit went down. Of course, me being me, I agreed to be the good friend and go along. It might not have been so bad had I not gotten sufficiently drunk by 8 pm and said ex wasn't ugly and pregnant. Biting my tongue is not something I'm good at, nor do I enjoy practicing, but I took one for the team and didn't hit the boring, whiny, pregnant girl.
Anyone who has ever partied with me knows I pretty much never get sick. I mean, I might FEEL like I'm going to get sick, but I hardly ever do. Saturday night.. I got sick. And you would think that would be my cue to stop drinking liquor and start drinking water, right? Nope. Apparently, drunk me thought that meant my stomach made more room for drinks. Winning? I don't think so. So, things went downhill quickly and just kept going.. and going.. and going.
Needless to say, I was useless all day today. I got home around 9 am (WAY too early), then passed back out until about 5. I'm still exhausted and not, in any way, ready for work tomorrow. I am starting to get in a nice little routine though, which makes me feel less stressed about Monday. I'm sure it's gonna be as hectic and tiring as Mondays usually are.. but I need a vacation from my weekend. Seriously.
This weekend was a disaster to say the least. Saturday night I had agreed to go to a bachelorette party with a friend, as moral support. Her new husband's ex was going to be there and I guess she felt like she might need backup in case, for lack of better words, shit went down. Of course, me being me, I agreed to be the good friend and go along. It might not have been so bad had I not gotten sufficiently drunk by 8 pm and said ex wasn't ugly and pregnant. Biting my tongue is not something I'm good at, nor do I enjoy practicing, but I took one for the team and didn't hit the boring, whiny, pregnant girl.
Anyone who has ever partied with me knows I pretty much never get sick. I mean, I might FEEL like I'm going to get sick, but I hardly ever do. Saturday night.. I got sick. And you would think that would be my cue to stop drinking liquor and start drinking water, right? Nope. Apparently, drunk me thought that meant my stomach made more room for drinks. Winning? I don't think so. So, things went downhill quickly and just kept going.. and going.. and going.
Needless to say, I was useless all day today. I got home around 9 am (WAY too early), then passed back out until about 5. I'm still exhausted and not, in any way, ready for work tomorrow. I am starting to get in a nice little routine though, which makes me feel less stressed about Monday. I'm sure it's gonna be as hectic and tiring as Mondays usually are.. but I need a vacation from my weekend. Seriously.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Need you to know..
This one is personal. I don't know if he'll see it, doesn't really matter, I just need to say it.
From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I wish I could understand why things are, and always have been, this way between us. You know that I wish things were different more than anything but I've come to accept that it just "is what it is" with us. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it suck? A whole lot. I used to consider you one of my best friends. You were someone I could laugh, cry, be my completely insane self around. Why that could never translate into something more, I honestly don't know. I do know that it breaks my heart though.. to have hurt you, to have lost you, to think that things will never be the same with us again. If I know anything, it's that everything happens for a reason. What reason? That I don't understand.. but one day I will. Until then, it's probably gonna hurt and it's probably gonna suck. But I'm still gonna love you. I'm still gonna be here, be your friend. I will pray every single day for you. I will pray that you're loved, successful, happy beyond imagination. Because you deserve nothing less. I truly don't think anyone could ever understand me like you do, care about you like I do, or realize what we had. I miss you, I love you.
From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I wish I could understand why things are, and always have been, this way between us. You know that I wish things were different more than anything but I've come to accept that it just "is what it is" with us. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it suck? A whole lot. I used to consider you one of my best friends. You were someone I could laugh, cry, be my completely insane self around. Why that could never translate into something more, I honestly don't know. I do know that it breaks my heart though.. to have hurt you, to have lost you, to think that things will never be the same with us again. If I know anything, it's that everything happens for a reason. What reason? That I don't understand.. but one day I will. Until then, it's probably gonna hurt and it's probably gonna suck. But I'm still gonna love you. I'm still gonna be here, be your friend. I will pray every single day for you. I will pray that you're loved, successful, happy beyond imagination. Because you deserve nothing less. I truly don't think anyone could ever understand me like you do, care about you like I do, or realize what we had. I miss you, I love you.
Disconnect
I've made a decision. A few, actually.
First, I deleted my facebook. It seems like such a silly thing to even call a "decision" but if you had any idea how much of my time I actually spend on there, you'd understand that this is a big deal. What made me decide to do this? Drama, temptation and the fact that I'm just plain annoyed with the shallowness of the people I call my "friends" on there. How long have I been saying I want to do better, be better? As if I think my life is going magically fix itself and smack me in the face when everything is all better. Nope. I'm done with the shallowness and immaturity. I don't want, or need, it in my life. I don't know how long this will last.. but I know I already feel better as a result from being "disconnected" with that part of my life.
My second decision, MAKE A DECISION. I know that I want things to be different.. but how? Where do I start? By making the decision to change.. and DOING it. I used to be madly in love with life. Literally wake up smiling. It sounds so cliche.. but I used to have this fire inside. And lately I'm not sure where that's gone. Frankly, I think I've just become scared. Scared to take chances, scared of failure, scared to look like an idiot. I've become so reserved, so self conscious, so worried about "what will people think". It's time to forget that. It's time to ask myself, "what do YOU think?" and I am.
Today I took a chance. I got hurt.. and in the past I would have closed up and acted as if I didn't care. Today I didn't. Did it make a damn bit of difference? Nope. But at least I tried. And you know what.. that IS all that matters. I tried. I put myself on the line, took a chance on looking like a fool, risked getting hurt a little. And it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. I want everyday to be like this. It's a little painful, I'm not gonna lie.. but it's also entirely freeing and exhilarating. I can sleep at night knowing that I put it all out there.. when I got a chance, I took it. That's me from now on. First comes God.. then comes happiness, joy, freedom. I think, deep down, I've been waiting around for someone to come into my life and bring all those things to me. All along, they've been in me.. waiting to come out, all I have to do is just LIVE.
That's my main focus right now. Living my life, putting God first, being happy. Honestly, I think they all go hand in hand. Even though I'm a little bummed.. I'm feeling lighter than I've felt in a long time. Somehow I feel like being disconnected from the wrong things is only pushing me to be connected to right ones. I hope so.. I want that, need that, more than anything right now. I don't understand it.. but I'm happy.
First, I deleted my facebook. It seems like such a silly thing to even call a "decision" but if you had any idea how much of my time I actually spend on there, you'd understand that this is a big deal. What made me decide to do this? Drama, temptation and the fact that I'm just plain annoyed with the shallowness of the people I call my "friends" on there. How long have I been saying I want to do better, be better? As if I think my life is going magically fix itself and smack me in the face when everything is all better. Nope. I'm done with the shallowness and immaturity. I don't want, or need, it in my life. I don't know how long this will last.. but I know I already feel better as a result from being "disconnected" with that part of my life.
My second decision, MAKE A DECISION. I know that I want things to be different.. but how? Where do I start? By making the decision to change.. and DOING it. I used to be madly in love with life. Literally wake up smiling. It sounds so cliche.. but I used to have this fire inside. And lately I'm not sure where that's gone. Frankly, I think I've just become scared. Scared to take chances, scared of failure, scared to look like an idiot. I've become so reserved, so self conscious, so worried about "what will people think". It's time to forget that. It's time to ask myself, "what do YOU think?" and I am.
Today I took a chance. I got hurt.. and in the past I would have closed up and acted as if I didn't care. Today I didn't. Did it make a damn bit of difference? Nope. But at least I tried. And you know what.. that IS all that matters. I tried. I put myself on the line, took a chance on looking like a fool, risked getting hurt a little. And it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. I want everyday to be like this. It's a little painful, I'm not gonna lie.. but it's also entirely freeing and exhilarating. I can sleep at night knowing that I put it all out there.. when I got a chance, I took it. That's me from now on. First comes God.. then comes happiness, joy, freedom. I think, deep down, I've been waiting around for someone to come into my life and bring all those things to me. All along, they've been in me.. waiting to come out, all I have to do is just LIVE.
That's my main focus right now. Living my life, putting God first, being happy. Honestly, I think they all go hand in hand. Even though I'm a little bummed.. I'm feeling lighter than I've felt in a long time. Somehow I feel like being disconnected from the wrong things is only pushing me to be connected to right ones. I hope so.. I want that, need that, more than anything right now. I don't understand it.. but I'm happy.
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