Today was good. No, today was GREAT.
I had the day off from the job I'm starting to despise, signed up for the gym, got my fitness on with a friend, had yummy sushi & hours of GREAT conversation. I got things off my chest and got a lot of really great advice. That I'm actually planning on taking for a change. Something is different. I just.. feel good. Like my body, my heart, my feelings. Everything feels good. I'm just happy in a way that I can't explain.
And everything in me just wants to shout, "Thank you God! I am SO blessed!" I really, really am. It makes me feel so silly about complaining so much lately. I have so much to be happy and rejoice for! Thank you, God :)
I am happy.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Is someone getting the best of you?
The last two times I've been "in love", it's been complicated and a damn struggle just to get through simple moments. Sure, there were times that I was happier than ever and couldn't see myself without the person I was with. There were also times, too many to count, that I thought to myself, "What the HELL am I doing?! It isn't worth this.. it should NOT be this hard!"
Love, or even like, should not be complicated. Being with someone should just be easy, or at least not feel emotionally draining all the time. I think so anyway.
So, here it is.. I'm choosing not to settle for complicated, stressful happiness. I think I'll just live my life with joy and occasional moments of overdramatic moodiness.. and just let my "easy" come find me. No more complicated sounds nice.
Love, or even like, should not be complicated. Being with someone should just be easy, or at least not feel emotionally draining all the time. I think so anyway.
So, here it is.. I'm choosing not to settle for complicated, stressful happiness. I think I'll just live my life with joy and occasional moments of overdramatic moodiness.. and just let my "easy" come find me. No more complicated sounds nice.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Mama said there'd be days like this
Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for
Cuz nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
I love music. Especially how the perfect songs seems to find me at just the right time. It IS time for a change. I'm so tired of the same thing, the same people, the same places. I'm so tired of being TIRED and always complaining because I'm not happy with this repetitive carousel of bullshit that is my life recently.
I've been trying to decorate my apartment for the last 4 months. I've either been too busy, too broke, or planning on moving away. Since I decided to stay here, at least long enough to figure out what I want, I figured I should finally start the decorating process again.
So yesterday, I woke up, drove for a while, and went shopping. All day, by myself. It was one of the best days I've had in a really long time. I didn't have to rush, worry about anyone else, or stress about ANYTHING. I spent 2 hours in one store, just looking at everything, planning out ideas in my head. And no one bitched about it or got in my way. It was kind of perfect.
I think that's the change I need. To be somewhere different, not worrying about making anyone else happy. Just making myself happy. At least I'm moving in that direction. Right?
On a more frustrating note, I am an idiot. I think I want something, then I get it, and I find a way to ruin it for myself. Except in this case, I'm not sure I'm ruining it entirely on my own. Ugh. Damn. Blahhhh! I don't like caring. It's messy and almost always ends badly. At this point I should probably stop typing and start sleeping. Week from hell part 2, starting.. now.
Mood: Blah. Shut up.
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for
Cuz nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
I love music. Especially how the perfect songs seems to find me at just the right time. It IS time for a change. I'm so tired of the same thing, the same people, the same places. I'm so tired of being TIRED and always complaining because I'm not happy with this repetitive carousel of bullshit that is my life recently.
I've been trying to decorate my apartment for the last 4 months. I've either been too busy, too broke, or planning on moving away. Since I decided to stay here, at least long enough to figure out what I want, I figured I should finally start the decorating process again.
So yesterday, I woke up, drove for a while, and went shopping. All day, by myself. It was one of the best days I've had in a really long time. I didn't have to rush, worry about anyone else, or stress about ANYTHING. I spent 2 hours in one store, just looking at everything, planning out ideas in my head. And no one bitched about it or got in my way. It was kind of perfect.
I think that's the change I need. To be somewhere different, not worrying about making anyone else happy. Just making myself happy. At least I'm moving in that direction. Right?
On a more frustrating note, I am an idiot. I think I want something, then I get it, and I find a way to ruin it for myself. Except in this case, I'm not sure I'm ruining it entirely on my own. Ugh. Damn. Blahhhh! I don't like caring. It's messy and almost always ends badly. At this point I should probably stop typing and start sleeping. Week from hell part 2, starting.. now.
Mood: Blah. Shut up.
If a heart could smile..
..then mine definitely is right now :)
I don't really know how this happened. It's like a mix between those "what I wanted was RIGHT THERE all along" and "well, this is new.." feelings.
Whatever it is. It somehow just feels right. It's hard to explain, which makes me feel like I shouldn't even try.. I should just go with it. So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna stop thinking and start feeling. What could go wrong..
Have to add a "Haha" for that last line. Even as I tell myself to stop thinking, every possible way that this could go wrong is running through my mind. But I'm taking a chance. "Do one thing every day that scares you." Well okay then, here I go..
Mood: Hopeful :)
I don't really know how this happened. It's like a mix between those "what I wanted was RIGHT THERE all along" and "well, this is new.." feelings.
Whatever it is. It somehow just feels right. It's hard to explain, which makes me feel like I shouldn't even try.. I should just go with it. So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna stop thinking and start feeling. What could go wrong..
Have to add a "Haha" for that last line. Even as I tell myself to stop thinking, every possible way that this could go wrong is running through my mind. But I'm taking a chance. "Do one thing every day that scares you." Well okay then, here I go..
Mood: Hopeful :)
Friday, February 18, 2011
Ashes, ashes.. we all fall down
Friday, welcome back! Oh, how I've missed you!
This has been one long, crazy, stressful week. Even though it seemed to drag on forever, looking back I can't remember most of it without it all blurring together. I'm just glad it's over. Yesterday involved more tears and ended in laughter because I just didn't know what else to do. Today basically involved a lot of thinking, "come on 5:30, come on.."
I'm supposed to be taking a test tomorrow at 9:30 a/m for work. Except that you have to pay for it 5 days in advance.. and I forgot to. So now I can't take it for 2 more weeks and I don't get to wake up super early on a Saturday. Oh, bummer :) I don't know how I'll ever get over it..
So, I'm thinking of taking a trip to Tampa tomorrow for some shopping and selfish time. And ending the trip with some crazy time.. but first I'm sleeping in as late as possible. I suddenly got a lot happier :)
I have a three day weekend and I'm determined to get in trouble. Here we go..
This has been one long, crazy, stressful week. Even though it seemed to drag on forever, looking back I can't remember most of it without it all blurring together. I'm just glad it's over. Yesterday involved more tears and ended in laughter because I just didn't know what else to do. Today basically involved a lot of thinking, "come on 5:30, come on.."
I'm supposed to be taking a test tomorrow at 9:30 a/m for work. Except that you have to pay for it 5 days in advance.. and I forgot to. So now I can't take it for 2 more weeks and I don't get to wake up super early on a Saturday. Oh, bummer :) I don't know how I'll ever get over it..
So, I'm thinking of taking a trip to Tampa tomorrow for some shopping and selfish time. And ending the trip with some crazy time.. but first I'm sleeping in as late as possible. I suddenly got a lot happier :)
I have a three day weekend and I'm determined to get in trouble. Here we go..
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Round and round we go..
I'm about to bore your pants off. Are you ready?
The last 2 days, I've had to be up at 5:30 a.m. for work. The last 3 nights, I haven't been able to sleep before 12 a.m. I've been tired, moody, emotional, and all around crazy. I decided that since I can't get any sleep, I might as well get stuff done. Don't worry, I'm not gonna bore you with all the stuff I did.. but it was a lot. To reward myself, for getting stuff done and for eating better (by better I mean less.. cuz I'm too lazy to buy groceries haha), I decided to have a huge ass bowl of ice cream. And it was soooo good! The only problem is that I had this ice cream at 10:30 at night and now I'm on this crazy sugar high. I'm thinking that's probably a side effect of not drinking for almost 3 weeks. I've been sober for SO long that I'm now getting hopped up and crazy on ice cream. I'm so disgusted with myself right now, in a totally hilarious way.
So the last 4.5 hours of my work day weren't too eventful. We were short staffed, I guess, and I ended up working with infants.. again. I'm not crazy about changing diapers. I'm also not crazy about snot, spit up, or sticky hands. But I don't have much longer there.. I can deal. On a positive note, I can now do pretty much anything while holding a baby. Clean up a mess, make a bottle, feed another baby, change a tire, save the world. I'm pretty much amazing.
Therefore, I have made a decision. If I make it through this week without throwing a kid across a classroom (not likely at this point).. I'm rewarding myself this weekend. BIG TIME. With craziness, preferrably super drunk, Vegas style craziness. At this point I'm willing to settle for sober silly.. but Vegas crazy is what I'm shooting for. 2 more days, 2 more days, 2. more. days!
The last 2 days, I've had to be up at 5:30 a.m. for work. The last 3 nights, I haven't been able to sleep before 12 a.m. I've been tired, moody, emotional, and all around crazy. I decided that since I can't get any sleep, I might as well get stuff done. Don't worry, I'm not gonna bore you with all the stuff I did.. but it was a lot. To reward myself, for getting stuff done and for eating better (by better I mean less.. cuz I'm too lazy to buy groceries haha), I decided to have a huge ass bowl of ice cream. And it was soooo good! The only problem is that I had this ice cream at 10:30 at night and now I'm on this crazy sugar high. I'm thinking that's probably a side effect of not drinking for almost 3 weeks. I've been sober for SO long that I'm now getting hopped up and crazy on ice cream. I'm so disgusted with myself right now, in a totally hilarious way.
So the last 4.5 hours of my work day weren't too eventful. We were short staffed, I guess, and I ended up working with infants.. again. I'm not crazy about changing diapers. I'm also not crazy about snot, spit up, or sticky hands. But I don't have much longer there.. I can deal. On a positive note, I can now do pretty much anything while holding a baby. Clean up a mess, make a bottle, feed another baby, change a tire, save the world. I'm pretty much amazing.
Therefore, I have made a decision. If I make it through this week without throwing a kid across a classroom (not likely at this point).. I'm rewarding myself this weekend. BIG TIME. With craziness, preferrably super drunk, Vegas style craziness. At this point I'm willing to settle for sober silly.. but Vegas crazy is what I'm shooting for. 2 more days, 2 more days, 2. more. days!
Brand new
Today is a new day. Yesterday's problems are gone, though not forgotten, and I'm determined to find something to be positive about. The fact that today is Wednesday, halfway through the week, is a good start. Also, tomorrow is Thursday.. payday and one day closer to Friday. I thought this week would be the hardest week of work by far, just because all of the days have been long hour days. Honestly, though, if I spend less time bitching and more time in a kind of spaced out, work mode.. before I realize it, the day is halfway over. The down side to that is when I realize the day is halfway over, I start to count down the hours and they seem to pass by a little slower. I've resolved to keep myself busy and avoid looking at the clock when possible. However, I have just failed at that and now know that my day is more than halfway over! 5.5 hours down, 4.5 to go. Then, I'm freeeee to do whatever I want. Within the boundaries of the law of course :)
I guess I'm actually in a pretty decent mood after all. I had a good little pep talk last night from someone who, surprisingly, never fails to make me feel better. I never thought I'd be close with this person but I'm happy, and feel extremely lucky, to have them in my life. Sometimes people can really surprise you I guess.
Although I meant surprise in a good way about that person, people can also surprise you in bad ways. Usually, the people closest to you. I'm really disappointed right now. I realize that people have busy schedules and life sometimes makes it difficult to stay connected on a regular basis. But I'm feeling really, really disconnected right now. What makes it worse is that I think it's more from a lack of concern than a busy schedule. But hey, people are assholes. Maybe this person should be permanently disconnected from my life. I try to be a good friend and do everything possible to always be there for my friends. Too much nice can bite you in the ass sometimes, though. Maybe this is life's way of telling me to stop bending over backwards for people who aren't worth it. Even if it's not.. I'm done.
Even though I'm super tired, I'm feeling really creative lately. I wish I could channel negative energy into just plain energy and get some of the ideas rolling around in my head going. Design is such a great outlet for my moodiness and, more often than not, I'm always happier when I feel like I've accomplished something.
I have hope for today :)
I guess I'm actually in a pretty decent mood after all. I had a good little pep talk last night from someone who, surprisingly, never fails to make me feel better. I never thought I'd be close with this person but I'm happy, and feel extremely lucky, to have them in my life. Sometimes people can really surprise you I guess.
Although I meant surprise in a good way about that person, people can also surprise you in bad ways. Usually, the people closest to you. I'm really disappointed right now. I realize that people have busy schedules and life sometimes makes it difficult to stay connected on a regular basis. But I'm feeling really, really disconnected right now. What makes it worse is that I think it's more from a lack of concern than a busy schedule. But hey, people are assholes. Maybe this person should be permanently disconnected from my life. I try to be a good friend and do everything possible to always be there for my friends. Too much nice can bite you in the ass sometimes, though. Maybe this is life's way of telling me to stop bending over backwards for people who aren't worth it. Even if it's not.. I'm done.
Even though I'm super tired, I'm feeling really creative lately. I wish I could channel negative energy into just plain energy and get some of the ideas rolling around in my head going. Design is such a great outlet for my moodiness and, more often than not, I'm always happier when I feel like I've accomplished something.
I have hope for today :)
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