Happiness

Now that I'm back on the "blogging bandwagon" I'm excited to start posting again. If Mason allows me to share my attention with anything besides him, that is. He seems to want more "mommy time" as he gets older which makes it hard for me to get anything else done. Not that I really mind :)

It seems like the last year has been such a whirlwind. Kyle and I went from being a carefree, adventurous couple who took spontaneous weekend trips.. to exhausted parents of a sweet baby boy who get overjoyed at the thought of "sleeping in" until 7 a.m. There's no doubt about the fact that it's now Mason's world and we  just live in it. Truth is.. we wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how many dirty diapers or sleepless nights we both know just how lucky we are to have such a wonderful little person in our lives. It's crazy how much you can love something so small. And it doesn't stop.. you keep loving them more and more every single day. You love them until it feels like your heart could just explode. (Don't worry, it won't)


Tomorrow Mason will be 11 weeks old. I don't know how the time has gone by so fast. Sometimes I wish I could slow it down, rewind it, relive it. I know he'll keep growing, learning, become stronger and smarter.. but there are days that I wish he could be this small and innocent forever.

I remember being pregnant and being so scared that I wouldn't know how to take care of a baby. I worried and stressed for months about every tiny little thing. Ran through every worst case scenario in my mind. And then when he finally came, and we brought our sweet baby home, somehow we just knew what to do. I'm not saying we're perfect parents. We've probably done certain things wrong and, no doubt, will make plenty of mistakes in the future. But we try. And we've come a long way. For example, I don't check to make sure he's still breathing EVERY time he goes to sleep now.. :)

Things have definitely changed.. but I can't say that I would change anything. I'm happy, blessed, thankful..

Changes

I'm way overdue on updates.

Might as well just get right to it. Since my last post a LOT has changed in my life. The biggest change is a small thing.. but he sure has taken up all the room in our hearts :)

Introducing.. Mason Bryce

Yes. As crazy as it still seems to me.. Kyle & I became parents on April 4, 2012 at 7:21 p.m. God has blessed us with a beautiful, healthy baby boy and we couldn't be more thrilled. Of course, I have to have a proud mama moment and post a ton of pictures now. Enjoy :)

 Mason @ 2 days old in the hospital.. 8 lb, 10 oz baby boy :)

First week home. He was already a snuggle bug!

1 week old.

This smile melts my heart. I would do anything for him.

Stylin!

Most recent picture @ 2 months old.





I can't even stand how cute my kid is! I know you're SUPPOSED to think your baby is cute.. but I am seriously obsessed with him. He's already got us wrapped, that's for sure.

There have been many changes in the last year of my life.. but he is, by far, the best thing that has ever happened to me. You never understand the over-protective love your parents feel for you until you have your own child. And just when you think you can't love them more.. somehow you do. It's a pretty wonderful feeling :)

Since I want to remember this amazing, overwhelming, exciting time in our lives I've decided to start blogging again so I can keep track of things. I doubt it will be anything like my last blogging adventure.. but we'll see how it goes :)

So much to say..

This should be the "I've been m.i.a for months and now I'm just bursting with happiness and joy and wanna talk ALL about it" post that I've been meaning to get to for a while now. But it's not. Those joyful, happy feelings have currently been put on hold. They've been replaced. By worry, anger, hurt, frustration.. feelings that are all too familiar. I'm trying to control my emotions, though (something I NEVER would have done before) and, even though it's REALLY hard to do, it's keeping me sane.. for the moment.

Alright.. snap back to reality. Emotional breakdown aside, things have been pretty good. Crazy, in unimaginable ways, but good. I haven't been partying lately, having crazy, single adventures, or just getting into stupid trouble with my friends. I guess I've been kinda.. detached. From everything. I've been inside this little bubble that consists of working, stressing out, trying to sleep, and working some more. This was, at first, a welcome change.. a slower pace. Now I'm starting to get anxious. I can feel this little voice inside of me screaming, "what's happened to you? WHO ARE YOU?". Little voice, I wish I knew. All I know, is that everything has changed.

I'm holding back.. a lot. If I weren't, this post would make a whole lot more sense. But for now this is all I can do. A weak attempt, I know. I guess I've just become boring now..

Weekend, don't go..

I wish this weekend never had to end. I'll admit, I was a little worried that it might be a rocky weekend.. but it was pretty much amazing. I guess everything is better when you're with your best friend :)

Mushiness aside for a second.. it really was an awesome weekend. Posting pics as soon as we get home!

Changes. Love. Weekend. Roadtrip.

So I've completely been slacking on the blogfront lately. I'm gonna have to do a long catch up post when I'm on my computer and not my phone. Annnnnyway.. I am currently on a mini road trip, to Tennessee I think, with my boyfriend. Weird, right? A month ago, I never would have thought I'd even want a boyfriend. I definitely didn't think I would be at the point with someone that I'd want to spend 3 days straight with them. But I am absolutely, undeniably, totally and completely happy. It's about damn time.

We decided to spend our 3 day, 4th of July weekend out of town.. we didn't make any plans, just packed and left town (it was even his idea, which makes me so incredibly happy because I love spontaneity!) Other than me totally NOT being a morning person and him being crazy hyper.. it's been great so far.

I couldn't be happier :)

Good

Today was a good day. I guess I should say today IS a good day, though, since it's not over yet. So.. today is a good day. Aside from the little "surge" of emotions here and there, I've been in a pretty good mood today. I spent part of the afternoon at the river with my family, went for a boat ride, and just "lazed" (I need to start using my made up words more) around for a bit. Then I came home, changed clothes and went to the gym. I've decided to extend my "new chapter"/fresh start thing to every aspect of my life, including fitness. I set this goal for myself a while ago but I never really took the time to follow through with it. I've been doing a lot better lately and I'm proud of myself.

So, fingers crossed that nothing comes up, I'm planning on going to Charleston next weekend to look at apartments. I'm not sure what got into me, other than this rush of awkward emotions, and lit the fire under me to finally follow through with my plans to move. I guess I've just been feeling kinda "stuck" lately and I need a change. I'm excited for this. I'm not sure what I'll do when I get there but that's half the fun. Even though I DO know some people there I don't know enough that it will just feel like the same old thing. Besides, my plan is to meet new people and really put myself out there this time to every possibility. I've never moved somewhere new without a boyfriend or having a boyfriend back home and I think it will be good to be in a "new" place with no restrictions. Worst case scenario I'll be lonely and visit home a lot.. 5 hours isn't so far away.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I'm not sad, I'm not overly happy.. I just feel good. It's like I've found something inside myself that keeps saying "don't be afraid to do what you want or ask for what you want, do it.. take it.."

It's nice to be back in this place again.. I've missed good :)

These thoughts, all these thoughts..

You know what I don't understand? Well, other than people who have foot fetishes or wear socks with sandals.. I don't understand the way emotions work. I don't understand why, as humans, we can't just be happy with what we have. Or at least toss it aside and find something else to be happy with.

Exhibit A: Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy but in a different way. Boy waits a really long time to be with girl. Girl decides to give boy a chance. Boy is happy. Girl is not feeling the same way as boy so girl ends things with boy. Boy is sad. Girl knows this is the best decision. Boy says goodbye. Girl wants boy back.

What the heck?! Before I start ranting.. let me continue on with this little scenario. Alright, boy is gone and girl wants him back. Boy comes back and girl is happy. Boy wants to spend time with girl. Girl wants to be alone pretty much ALL the time. Boy gets upset. Girl ends it. Boy is sad but goes away again. Girl, who did not want boy, wants boy back.

This, obviously, is just a hypothetical situation (that, obviously, is a lie) but this whole scenario blows my mind. Why do we want what we can't have? Or why don't we just want what we CAN have when we HAVE it?! I hate this. I hate feelings and emotions with every fiber of my being. Yes, I realize that hate is a feeling and I hate it too.

Whatever it is that takes over.. that little thing there in the back of our minds when our head is saying, "you know this is the right thing, you need to let go" Yeah, you know that thing I'm talking about? Well.. I DO NOT LIKE IT. It's like the head is fighting the heart. For every logical explanation the head comes up with for why you shouldn't do/want/feel something, the heart just counteracts that. But not in simple debate form, no. The heart is a tricky little bastard and pulls out all these memories that you didn't even know you had. Completely irrelevant memories that meant so little at the time that you didn't even notice, or care enough to file them away, but now they're all you think about. The heart attaches every song, whether happy or sad, to that person and keeps replaying those obnoxious songs over and over in your head. The heart makes you type long, heartfelt letters to that person and pour out everything you have. Then, when your head tells you to destroy that letter and never actually send it, the heart makes you wait a day and do it all over again. I'm not sure what I dislike most.. the heart for feeling all this crap in the first place or the head for not being stubborn enough to tell the heart no. It's that simple. It should be anyway. Just say no. Even when it feels like your heart is being ripped into a million tiny pieces, your whole body just feels empty and numb, and you can't think about anything else.. JUST. SAY. NO.

It's simple.. right?

Oh well.. moving on. Tomorrow (technically today) is father's day. I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family. I just wish it wasn't Sunday already. I feel like the weekends go by so much faster than they used to. I dislike that almost as much as the heart. Anyway, I should have some pretty interesting posts coming up if this week plays out anything like I expect it to. Fair warning, a few will probably be containing more angry rants from me about feelings. Disregard this, I'm feeling highly emotional at this time. Nothing the right amount of drugs, alcohol and sex can't fix. Just kidding. Seriously though, I'm kidding.

Pants on, feelings off. Happypants out!